I want to come. I prefer not to. I think I’m better off when I don’t, on balance.
After the last time I came (after 5 weeks and 5 days, for those of us completely obsessed with counting time), I started thinking about whether chastity made me a “better submissive.”
Certainly, chastity makes submission better for me. It takes me about 4 days to get back to a place where I have at least a background buzz of sexual arousal going on most if not all the time. This makes serving Bear more pleasant for me, and it makes going through my day more pleasant for me. Peaks of desperate arousal included, which seem to happen more during the first two weeks after orgasm.
That’s not the same as “a better submissive”, though. The only yard stick for that is Bear. So I asked him: Am I a “better submissive” when I am denied? Because there’s nothing I like quite so much when denied than talking about my denial. Well, or, truthfully, being teased. That’s better. But still, talking ranks pretty high up there.
Bear’s answer was: “Yes. You’re more eager to please me when you’re denied.”
I was glad to hear it. I had thought that was the case, and it’s good to get affirmation.
I feel I should take a short detour here. The entire idea of a “good” or “better” submissive is entirely subjective, and, at least in my world, can only be judged from one perspective: That of the dominant partner. If your dominant tells you you’re doing good, then you are. On the Interwebs at least, there is a (vocal) subgroup of people that will declare what does and does not a submissive make. Who believe they can chime in on whether you can call yourself slave, or whatever other title floats your houseboat. Who believe they can make distinctions between those who are real, because, for example, they would allow their hair to be shorn, and those who are simply posers in for their own gratification. All while asserting that they do not, in any way, advocate a “One True Way.”
Screw all that. Your relationship is the only yardstick that counts. If you’re happy, and your dominant tells you you’re doing great, then you are the best damn submissive you could possibly be.
Right, off the soapbox again. That wasn’t very sexy, but it may come in handy to someone stumbling over this blog: So I’d rather put it there than leave it implied.
I am glad Bear is into chastity, and kept insisting on making this part of our relationship, even when it didn’t really work for a year. I am glad that what we’re doing now is working: No orgasms that Bear didn’t explicitly give permission for, since early August. (Though, the whole “prostate milking” thing, more on that in a bit.) I enjoy chastity in our relationship, and I want that to remain a part of it. If it wasn’t, I’d miss it greatly.
“Prostate milking”, at least with a vibrator, is off the table again. I had originally suggested it, because of concern for prostate health, and I’m not comfortable with how it turns out in practice. While I don’t experience a full orgasm in any way, there is a refractory period after I ejaculate. And there is a period of lessened desire, which can last a few days.
That’s far too close to “coming without permission” for me to be comfortable. No more of that.
I am planning on getting an njoy pure wand, for the pleasure as well as regular prostate massage. I still want to be healthy. Given that the few studies on prostate health and ejaculation link very frequent ejaculation to increased prostate health, and that even with “milking”, I wouldn’t ejaculate more often than every 10-14 days, I am on balance not convinced it’s going to make a difference to my health. Prostate massage has been shown to make a difference, and that I (hope) I can do easily without even getting close to breaking our agreement.
And now it’s time for me to make Bear’s breakfast. Eagerly.