4 submissive concepts

I am in “submissive training” or, probably more accurately and less formally, in “submissive mentoring” with Mistress Sky, and she taught me 4 submissive concepts during our first session together. I find them immensely useful, more so as the weeks go by, and wanted to share.

Being alert. Specifically, being aware of my surroundings, and noticing things that might benefit Bear, and thus us. And then taking action on that, not being shy. That might be noticing something that I think Bear may like, and making him aware of it. That might be noticing something that can be improved in our household or our lives, and doing something about it.
– I can get a whole lot better at this. This will be a constant opportunity for improving myself.

Honesty. Not so much the dictionary definition of “don’t tell a lie,” but showing my true inner self, honestly. That takes a ton of trust, and feeling safe enough to do that. In some cases, the “true inner self” can surprise the submissive, once it comes out.
– I’d say we’re doing well here. No surprises yet, though. Who knows what’s in store.

In the first instance. To react to Bear’s dominant energy with my own submissive energy, first and foremost. He tosses the ball, I toss it back. To give a concrete example, say Bear orders me to get him a drink. First and foremost, “yes Sir.” And then, if needed, “what kind of drink”, or “I’m in the middle of something, can it wait 2 minutes”, or whatever other minutiae and questions may come up. But first, react submissively to my dominant partner.
– Oh dear, “in the first instance”. I am so so good at analyzing and picking apart and thinking it through, I really struggle with this. And I am getting better at this. I enjoy the opportunity to practice.

Being fully present. To give my full attention, for sure, but more than that. To be fully present emotionally. To connect with Bear from the heart, to hold nothing back. To be emotional first, analytical and in the head second.
– I’m pretty happy with where I’m at here. There’s room for growth to be sure. When I feel myself growing distant from Bear, I recall this and see that I can use a small gesture or turn of phrase to bring us closer together again.

I hope these can be as useful to you as they are to me. If they help you, leave a comment and let me know how it went!

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Panties, and gender roles

I was reading Lion’s entry on being forced to wear frilly panties and the humiliation that causes him, and that got me thinking about deep-rooted sexism in our society. That’s not a particularly original thought, to be sure. I figured I might as well blog about it anyway and see where I am at with it.

Lion had this to say:

My view is that the reason I am embarrassed is that  being discovered would make me different and inappropriate. The political issue of women being free to dress in male clothes and men humiliated by wearing women’s clothes is a longstanding  sexism issue. I definitely didn’t choose to address that.

So there’s “violating societal norms”, and the embarrassment that stems from that, and “violating gender norms”. And then there’s the whole “men who dress in women’s clothes aren’t real men” thing, which is where the sexism comes in.

What a mess. I’m not sure I can untangle this in my own mind.

Personally, I own frilly panties and love them. I’m not embarrassed by them. To the contrary, I feel sexy and empowered and desirable in them. And definitely very male.

This might be simpler for me because I am (for all intents and purposes) gay, and so “violating societal and gender norms” kinda comes with the territory.

Yay me, right? But not so fast. Bear recently mentioned he wanted to pick out clothes for me, and my first response after “yes Sir” was to make sure he didn’t mean he was going to pick out women’s clothes for me. I had to be reassured. Because that would be embarrassing.

And I can’t figure out exactly whether that’d be embarrassing because I am violating societal and gender norms, or because it’d make me less of a man somehow. I want to say the former and not the latter, that I could run around in what’s widely considered “women’s clothes” – as long as the cut is male and fits my body well, obviously, who wants to wear dumpy stuff – and feel just as male and empowered. And I’m not sure that’s so. I don’t know that I’ll find out, either, because the “draw stares by violating societal norms” awkwardness / shame would be too great.

I don’t have any great insights, other than that I’d encourage people to be a little “different and inappropriate”. Within reason.

Frilly panties – they are no more inappropriate than boxer shorts while not visible in public, and just as inappropriate when visible. That’s a safe one. They’re sexy, so go right for it.

A dog rope collar – I wear one all the time, but I stopped wearing it to work or when socializing with colleagues. I got a few “what the hell dude” comments, and decided it was less than professional to wear, even under a dress shirt, or even when in casual wear but still during a work-related function. Outside of work, strangers always ignore the thing or will give a “that’s so cool” compliment, and my friends mostly ignore the thing, and a few have commented because they are curious. I tell them it means exactly what they think it means, and that’s usually as far as it goes. So if you’re wondering whether you can wear a collar in public – you can.

Those are safe expressions of individuality. I’d love for men to be able to wear more colorful clothes and more types of clothes. “Be the change you want to see in the world,” I know. Maybe if I achieve Fuck You Money or retire, but until then, I care too much about what that might mean professionally.

In the meantime, the best I can do is be aware of when I’m embarrassed, acknowledge there’s likely an element of sexism in it, because one simply cannot escape this shit, and do my best to not feed that element of sexism.

What are your experiences with wearing clothing that doesn’t conform to gender norms? And how hard do you believe we should think about this stuff?

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A nerdy orgasm denial game

Ever since we started daily check-ins for orgasm control, I’ve had a much easier time obeying Bear and not coming without permission.

And, I still am mostly useless for hours at a time, while I play with my dick. Some way of putting a limit on that is needed, or I won’t get anything done around here when I feel unreasonably horny. The standard answer is “lock it away”, and that’s in the cards, sometime December.

In the meantime, I’ve suggested a nerdy game to Bear. It involves D&D dice!

At the end of the day, roll a D20.

1: Don’t stroke the next day.

2-19: Bring yourself to the edge this many times the next day, don’t come.

20: Don’t stroke for the next 1D10 days.

I’ve gotten much better at getting myself to the edge and not over, as well. I am using my ball sack as an additional indicator. When it gets tight to my body, it’s time to slow down and pay attention and stop just as I can feel the very beginning of emission;  wait until the sack is relaxed and loose again before starting another edge.

The idea here is to get close to orgasm, but not too close, so that I can still let my hands rest on my dick and balls and not come.

I had suggested an ultra-nerdy “obedience modifier” to Bear for the Natural 20 result: Don’t stroke for 1D10 + obedience modifier days, where obedience modifier is taking the number of days since I last came, and treating it like a D&D stat. As I am writing this, for example, that’d be 30 days since I came, hence a modifier of +10.

That escalates rather quickly, and Bear doesn’t want to put me in a situation where I can’t succeed. So, no obedience modifier. Maybe when the cage arrives, we’ll revisit that 1D10.

Bear is still thinking about this game, as in, whether he wants to go ahead with it. I have to say I love the idea of getting a little D&D into my dick play.

If you have played games with orgasm denial or chastity, I’d love to hear about your experience. What did you do, and what was it like for you and your partner?

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Sir and pet

Since my last “here’s everything that happened since 2016” post, there’s been good progress. Bear told me that he wanted to talk about my being his pet again, since he felt awkward every time the topic came up. A few days later, we sat down and discussed it. He is now my Sir, and I am his pet. It’s been — I don’t even know how long since we last tried that. Over a decade, I think.

To fill that with life, we have some “touchpoints” throughout the day. Hitting them consistently is a team effort.

In the morning, while still in bed, we check in with each other, ask how each other’s night was, and make a point to touch.

I make breakfast for Bear and serve him coffee kneeling (and if the weather is warm enough, naked) – that’s not changed, we’ve been doing that.

We embrace before Bear goes to work.

When Bear comes back from work, we check in with each other, ask how each other’s day was.

In the evening, just before getting into bed, we embrace. Bear tells me “I share myself with you, pet” and I tell him “I give myself to you, Sir.”

Once we’re in bed, Bear checks in with me to ask me how I have been doing with orgasm control that day.

I love the emotional connection this gives us. The structure is incredibly helpful to deal with the fact that we both have jobs and sometimes busy lives and it’s easy to let D/s be swamped by the day-to-day. Having specific points in the day to reassure each other of our love for each other and our roles in the relationship is truly lovely.

Bear has made a point of telling me what he wants me to do that day. It’s becoming quite common for him to say something along the lines of “Make sure to pay this bill today, pet”; or “I want you to fix the button on this shirt for me, pet.” I’m thriving on it.

Our couples therapist, T., asked Bear why he wanted control, and he answered “to feel safe”. She cautioned Bear that having control and having control over someone are two very different things, and if dominance – “control over” – is not true to his self, going down that path will be dis-empowering, not empowering.

He’s still feeling his way along, for sure. He asked for my support, and he has it. We’re in this together. Regardless of where this leads. Bear may find that having “control over” is truly in his nature, or he may find that he just wants control to feel safe, and “control over” is not something that really works for him. Either outcome is fine. To get there, he’ll need to experience what “control over” feels like. So far he seems to like it. Yesterday, he told me he might want to pick my clothes for me, now and then.

Mistress Sky, who is helping us tremendously with D/s mentoring, told us in our last meeting with her that she doesn’t have a read yet on where Bear stands with regards to D/s, either. And then she went on to say that, although she’s only seen me for submissive training twice, she’s asked me to give myself to her both times, and I did, and hence I am a “true submissive.” I’ll leave the implications that there might be “false submissives” to the side. She also keeps telling us that “Sir and his pet are so beautiful together.”
The positive reinforcement is welcome, actually, even as I recognize it for what it is. She is sincere in what she says, and I can do with hearing that what I’m after is good and wholesome and desirable.

I’m feeling better right now than I have been in years. The daily emotional connection and daily touch fills a need, as does being the pet in a D/s relationship. I can’t rightly explain this, and – I don’t want to live in a completely equal partnership. I am so much happier when I have a partner I can give myself to. There’s a part of me still that says “you’re out of your gourd” – I am in my late 40s and quite capable, so what am I doing wanting to be someone’s pet? And I can’t deny that when I live as a submissive man, I am happy and fulfilled, and when I don’t, I am degrees of miserable.

How does that jive with me saying that whatever Bear’s truth is, I am good with it, and I want him to get to it? Simply by wanting him to feel empowered and happy, and accepting all possible outcomes for our relationship. If being Sir to my pet is not in his true nature, our relationship will change. It may, very likely, end in that case, as Bear is in no way okay with non-exclusive relationship arrangements. And if that’s what needs to happen so we can both live true to ourselves, then that will be more than okay: It’ll be necessary and good.

I do hope that’s not how this ends, of course, and that Bear is most true to himself by being dominant. That’d be amazing. Also, truthfully, the easiest way forward. A breakup after 18 years together would hurt, and might get quite messy.

On the orgasm control side of things, the daily check-ins and touchpoints help a lot. I find that I crave that positive reinforcement more than I crave orgasm. I want to hear that “good boy” from Bear at the end of the day. I’ve been edging (getting myself close to orgasm and then not coming), and yesterday, with my body wanting release oh-so-very-badly, my own voice pops into my head and says “No! No!” sharply, followed by “Be a good boy.” And I was, and stopped before I came; and when I later told Bear about it, he smiled and praised me. Ah. Bliss.

 

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