“I could never do that.” That’s what I’ve read from people who use chastity devices when discussing orgasm denial without the use of a device. “I could never keep my hands off of myself.”
Fresh off a 100 day+ denial period, I concede: They are right. I can’t keep my hands off of myself. I constantly stroke and squeeze and caress, and I love nothing better than to be erect and yearning for pleasure.
Anyone who’s read this blog for a bit knows that I, repeatedly, go too far in that self-stimulation, and come without permission. Again, and again. That might just be reason to throw in the towel and lock steel on and around the dick.
Except that it isn’t. Every time I go too far, I get that bit closer to a more obedient self, by letting go of another form of stimulation. As Bear remarked in February, when I could not warn him in time of my orgasm: “You looked like it really pained you that you came when I didn’t intend for you to.”
And it does. I want to be a good boy (or dog, take your pick), and coming when I’m not supposed to doesn’t mesh with that self-image.
At the same time, letting go of ways of stimulating myself is hard when there’s nothing between me and my dick but training and good intentions. I had to come from shoving a dildo up my ass to let go of ass-play that stimulates my prostate. And I had to experience coming suddenly when I thought I still had a bit of time to enjoy pleasure, so I would be okay with warning Bear earlier. And before that, I had to know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that when I stroke myself there’s no way to avoid orgasm reliably. So that I could let go of stroking myself, and ask Bear to bring me to orgasm when he intends me to come, so I don’t associate my own hands with orgasm.
This is complicated by my getting more and more sensitive. I recently came watching some interactive porn (Skyrim mods, actually), because it reminded me of a scene between Bear and myself: And I wasn’t touching myself. But I was wearing quite a bit of cock jewelry. What used to be entirely safe a year ago may not be safe now. My point of no return has shifted considerably. It no longer takes me 20 minutes to come.
I could have been taught all these things, and told all these things, and it wouldn’t have made a bit of difference. This is something I needed to experience, and ongoing, need to experience, so that I can learn where my boundaries are. What can I do safely, and what can’t I. And so I can be emotionally okay with not getting those kinds of pleasure that carry too much risk. Had they just been forbidden me, I’d have rebelled.
In that way, every mistake was necessary. Maybe it’s the kink equivalent of startup mentality: Fail, find out why you failed, adjust, don’t make that mistake again.
To the guys “who could never do that:” You can, if you’re okay with failure. Your deep-seated desire to please and obey will see you through, though you’ll end up with a never-ending, if eventually flattening, learning curve.
And if you want a chastity device instead, embrace that. Just don’t think you don’t have options.
4 thoughts on “A look back: 2 years or so of denial play”
I forget –why is it that you’re not into chastity devices? You seem to enjoy other cock toys…but not chastity?
If Bear kept you locked up, you wouldn’t be able to cheat, period.
Enjoy your summer!
Thank you for the question!
I don’t know whether I’m into chastity devices. I have no experience with them at all.
More to the point, though, Bear by far prefers orgasm denial without a device. He kinks on obedience first and foremost. He was close to going to a device a few times, but he always made it clear that’s not what he wanted. That actually helped me become more obedient. I don’t want to be the reason Bear has to go to a form of play he enjoys less.
You have two related but separate kinks here.
With device, it seems to me, is more about the control. The kink is that there’s a device in the way that’s hard to remove. And you see that in all the “inescapable chastity” fantasies out there (side note: No such thing in a world where power tools, or even just metal files, exist).
Without device is play that’s more about obedience, about following orders.
Tom wrote about this about two years ago: https://vanillaedge.wordpress.com/2013/08/24/device-or-denial-apples-or-oranges/
Schnoff has it right on. I prefer that he is obedient. Yes, hardware forces the issue, more or less, but for me, I want to know that he desires to be good. Early on, this hurt us badly. He had mistake after mistake and I got incredibly frustrated, however with time, I was able to let go of the mistakes, because well humans are humans and it’s important to me to know that he is trying and improving and that he truly desires to be mine and under my restrictions.
Oh, that’s right! I forgot Bear wasn’t really into it.
But might make an interesting (and appropriate) punishment when there’s a ‘slip up!’ ;-D