August

August’s been a month of changes. For starters, Bear wants me to write a monthly recap. And he’ll do a bit of fetish photography each month, which is a hobby he’s been wanting to get into but that daily life always seems to get in the way of.

I’ve been wearing the collar Bear picked out for me a lot. Has it only been two weeks since that arrived? I have been wearing it most every day. It comes off when we have guests or leave the house, and Bear puts it back on me sometime during the evening, sometimes earlier. When the snap closes, I feel submission settling over me like a mantle. Our relationship is evolving, and I think the collar plays a big role.

Bear is unconcerned with our daughter seeing me in the collar, and she has not asked about it. I think Bear’s more relaxed attitude has a lot to do with our daughter having turned 18 earlier in the year.

She has in recent months expressed curiosity about our private lives, by exclaiming “I don’t want to know!” I’m respecting her and our right to privacy, and am not volunteering. Last year, she had asked me once why I brought breakfast to Bear every day. I explained that I did that because both Bear and I enjoyed it, and that it gave us a chance to be together for a moment in the morning before our busy lives take us out of the house for the day. All of which is true. Saying any more than that would have been out of line, I feel. That said, I’m sure she has connected the dots by now.

I had asked Bear, after he had gotten me the collar, how he felt about seeing it on me. He said he wasn’t quite ready to share. Fair enough. I in turn was feeling things wearing the collar, and wasn’t quite ready to share yet, either.

A week or so later, Bear told me that we “needed to figure out” what the collar meant. I thought “to figure out” was an active process, and so I started asking a bunch of questions, and annoyed Bear with that.

The next day, I picked back up: But with a different tack. “What does “to figure out” mean?” I asked Bear. “Is that an active process or a passive one?”
I didn’t get my meaning through immediately, and got a “what, more questions?” reaction. With some perseverance, I managed to tell Bear what I meant. For me, “to figure out” is very active. It means, in this context, to explore by talking. It turns out what Bear meant by it was to “sit with it and see how it feels,” a more passive and introspective process. Which is fine by me. Years ago, I couldn’t have asked the right question, and would probably have been upset that Bear wanted to figure something out and then was not willing to talk. Now, at least I knew not to assume that my reading of “to figure out” is identical to Bear’s.

No, that’s not my collar :).

I feel more submissive when wearing Bear’s collar. It’s a constant presence, and a very powerful symbol. It’s snug around my neck, with a little more than one finger’s width of play. When my neck muscles contract, the collar offers resistance. And so, I may feel a warm submissive glow at the oddest of times, such as when eating lunch: Because the movement of my neck muscles while chewing and swallowing means the collar “grips” me around the throat. When Bear grips me around the throat, I melt in a puddle of submissive goo. This is but a faint shadow of that – and a powerful reminder.

Bear has become more demanding and commanding. Shortly after the collar arrived, he gave me some simple commands – “undress me”, “suck me off”, “strip for me.” I enjoyed it greatly and obeyed with as much grace as I could muster. After, Bear wanted reassurance: He asked me whether it was okay that he was demanding. I laughed. It’s more than okay. It’s wonderful. It’s what I want.

I asked Bear whether he wanted a verbal acknowledgement of his commands. He said yes, he would like that. So now, when he commands me, I reply with “Yes, Sir.” That’s new. I had not been allowed to address Bear as “Sir” or “Master” before. He’s enjoying the “Sir”.  For me, it’s a learning curve. Sometimes I will forget to acknowledge a command and simply obey wordlessly. That will come with time.

In the past, Bear insisted that he was not my Master, mainly because of our failed attempt at D/s 14 years or so ago. At the same time that me saying “you are not my Master” when we were discussing our relationship gave him a jolt. I asked Bear how he stood with that now. He says he’s “evolving.”

We’ve discussed marking me permanently. Bear thinks a PA is hot, and impractical. He doesn’t like the risk of urinary track infections, and the fact that it would change the way I piss. He thinks a frenum piercing may be more practical. All of that is just idle discussion right now.

Bear told me it was “too bad” that I couldn’t wear the collar while at work. I’ve been giving that some thought. A somewhat-practical idea would be to dress more conservatively: A shirt with a wider-than-necessary collar and a tie. A more practical idea may be a metal collar that looks like jewelry. He likes the “Talena” neck ring, and pointed out that we can’t afford it right now.

I’ve always been free to expose myself to Bear whenever I wanted. I really enjoy seeing his hand on my cock, not just feeling it there. The last time I folded the covers back, Bear told me that this felt odd to him. He wanted me to ask for permission to “present yourself”, as he put it. So I put the covers back in place and asked for permission: “May I present myself, Sir?”

This was difficult for me. I felt a momentary resistance to acting that way. It’s more submissive, and more humbling, than what I have been used to. A part of me really didn’t want to go there. I have had occasion to ask for permission to present myself a few times since, and it’s getting easier bit by bit. If I were to take a grand view – and boy am I prone to do that – I’d say I was molding myself into a more submissive husband.

I’ve been struggling with feeling horny and needy all the time. I’ll have an erection several times a day, and when Bear touches my chest or belly, I’ll get hard. That’s usually as far as it goes, and I am left with an aching need to be teased. This isn’t new, but for some reason, I’ve been having a harder time than usual with the concept of it, with the thought that this is my normal state. That feeling sated and not horny is going to be a rare exception once every few months, and not last longer than half an hour, maybe a few hours tops. It’s humbling to be at Bear’s mercy for pleasure, and to be that desperate for any attention and touch he may give me. The “thunder shirt” helps.

Full circle then to the beginning of the post: How do we both feel about the collar, now that it’s been on me for 3 weeks or so?

Bear says that I act noticeably more submissive towards him when I wear the collar, and that he enjoys that. Also, the collar makes him feel less awkward when he gives me a command.

I feel like I have closure, finally. As I’ve mentioned a few times in this blog, we tried an Owner / pet relationship when we first met. We had a collaring ceremony, and then we moved together, and it didn’t work out. Bear didn’t know what to do with a collared husband, and I felt hurt and neglected, and I didn’t know how to communicate that, nor did Bear know how to hear me, or how to talk about his own struggles. We’ve worked through this, we’ve had years of relationship therapy and learned how to talk openly and vulnerably with each other. I’ve forgiven Bear, and he says he has felt forgiven for about a year, now.

And, I didn’t have closure, not fully, until now. What we are building now is the kind of relationship I have wanted all along. I feel like Bear is fulfilling the promise he made to me 14 years ago. And that gives me closure. I can finally let go of the old hurt. I love how this phase of our relationship feels, and I revel in every challenging moment when I learn to submit more deeply to Bear.

We are not Master and pet. And I predict we will be, as Bear is “evolving” and as I learn to submit, and as we figure out what “Master and pet” means to us, now.