Being a DOM 101

Hi, this is BEAR here. Schnoff gave me access a while back to make comments and posts of my own and just have not posted, up until now that is. We had discussed in the past that having some posts from the DOM point of view on a sub’s blog would be useful, so I thought I would start things out with a simple 101 post on what it’s like being a dom in a steady monogamous relationship. As Schnoff has said many times on here, we have both gone through a lot of learning and really did know very little about what we were doing. These are some of the most important points I have learned along the way.

1. You don’t have to conform. – When we started the D/s play in our relationship, I had this idea of what a “dom” should be and that was actually quite damaging. It gave me a framework mindset of what I somehow should or shouldn’t do as a dom. It made me feel incredibly inadequate in my role. I knew I wanted to be dominant, but I didn’t see how I could live up to what I thought a dom “should be”. It took me realizing that being a dominant could happen in a lot of small ways. I didn’t have to be “Mr. Domlipants” strutting around wearing leather undergarments, although that may be nice.

2. It’s OK to want and even better to demand. – At first I had difficulty with simply saying “I want”. Even though we had in the past talked extensively on our desires and Schnoff even said repeatedly that these things were OK, I somehow felt that it was not correct to expect him to fulfill my desires. I consider myself a pretty polite person. I guess a part of me didn’t quite believe it was OK to want. It took me a while to realize and trust Schnoff enough to feel comfortable making demands of him. In fact, I quickly found out once I began that he needed me to do that and by doing it I was not only fulfilling my needs, but his as well. That was quite a revelation. Saying it is all good and fine, but it took me actually experiencing it to understand how it works, and I bet a lot of people starting out are experiencing the same anxieties.

3. Small, simple things can be D/s things. – When we started, I had this idea of how a dom was supposed to be as I said in 1. Along with that, I had the idea that simple tiny expectations could not be D/s play. Some of the things that Schnoff does for me today, I think a vanilla couple would look at them and say, “that’s not kink.” It is if I say it is. In other words, we do things like when we shower, I tell Schnoff to scrub me. Not just my back, but all over. It’s a simple thing really, but I demand it of him and he is happy to oblige. It fills his need to serve even though it is so simple. Other things like this include bringing me breakfast in bed or simply asking me where to park the car when he is driving, although we have gotten away from this recently. These are all just a few examples. Why are they D/s play? Again, because I say so.

4. Trust is important. – Schnoff has commented on our denial play as of recently and this is still pretty new for us. One thing that really held us back from real denial play, even though we had tried it early on, was trust. It took a while to figure out that I feel loved when Schnoff obeys and he had difficulty obeying because he is very touch centric, which means that it was difficult for him to “find the line” as it were between self pleasure and when to stop before he reached a point of orgasm. I won’t talk about that much because he certainly has done so enough on here, What changed? We came up with rules that enabled him to more consistently avoid reaching orgasm, and I won’t deny that we had to adjust the rules a bit to accommodate longer denial periods and higher sensitivity. Before when he would fail, I would feel upset, disobeyed and hurt. Now because we have taken these steps, I feel loved and obeyed, even if he slips because I know and TRUST him that he truly wanted to obey.

5. Talking is important too. – It may seem obvious, but I think many people don’t talk enough in general and that becomes inherent in our D/s lives as well. Often times if Schnoff or I have anxiety about something, we discuss it. No need to guess, and the answers may not jump right out at you either, but discussing it helps tremendously. We had to learn this in our everyday life by getting counseling and those skills have been a huge benefit in our D/s life too. There is no need to guess. Guessing is for birthday gifts and one off surprises, not for in any kind of relationship and especially not in a D/s relationship. None of us are telepathic. These are the 5 most important things I think that really truly helped me along in being the Dom to Schnoff’s submissive side. I will comment on more things later on as I am sure other things will come to mind as well.

What simple things have you as a Dom or sub found that have changed your D/s life?