I ain’t dead yet

I’ve taken a serious break from blogging. I think it’s been over a year since I wrote here. We’re still around, stuff has been happening, and I’ll try and catch the Interwebs up on what’s been going on with my relationship, and my dick.

Someone was kind enough to leave me feedback:

It’s been more than four years. Can we get a quick update? I’m a straight male, but I so enjoy reading about your dynamic. Thanks!

That dynamic really is the core of why I’ve not been blogging. I’ve been increasingly frustrated with it. It always felt like I was just not “getting enough”, and then I second-guessed myself, and so it went. Part of my issue was that I had absolutely no-one to model M/s for me, at least not the type of M/s I have in mind. The team-based, collaborative kind, not the adversarial “beat up on the slave” kind.

For the tease and denial, I kept failing every few weeks or so, having a ruined orgasm without permission, and that brought me down, too.

Negative energy all around, and something needed to change for the better.

The below is going to be the short version. I won’t retell every moment of frustration or hope here.

Mistress Sky (she’s got a web presence) released her “Unequal Partnership” book in April. I read it, and I knew that this was what I wanted. I reached out to her asking her to mentor us in D/s, and Bear said he wanted a chance to read the book first. That took us to September before he was through with it, and we started talking to Mistress Sky.

It’s been a real eye-opener for me. For the first time, I have someone who can model M/s for me, and where I can learn what a good, functioning M/s relationship can look like.

In a nutshell, the leading partner or Master or Dominant or whatever you want to call that creates a framework, “holds” the implementing partner / submissive / slave, and is particularly invested in long-term planning and constantly checking the health of the relationship.

That is, in a nutshell, not Bear. I, at this point, just want him to get to his truth. If he wants to and can be that, I’d be ecstatic. If he can’t or won’t, I’ll love him no less for it – and I’ll have to figure out how I get my needs met, then.

We’ve had one couples session so far, Bear has had one session with her, I’ve had two “submissive training” sessions with her, and we have another couples session coming up.

She had us read another book, “Building the team” by Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny. It’s a gem, really full of wonderful ideas.

Out of that came Bear telling me that he had never understood what I meant by wanting to be equal partners and having a D/s relationship, but that he got it now, and that this was part of why he had always been so reluctant to commit to D/s. Now he tells me, 18 years in, right? Oy gevalt. And, positive thoughts, hope, it can only get better from here.
Edit: I want to add to this. The “oy gevalt” comes across as me being solely on the receiving end here. And I’m not. I’ve chosen to be with Christopher for 18 years, because I had things to learn, which I learned and am learning in that relationship. And I am looking forward to how our relationship will change, even as the prospect of change can be scary.

One of the slightly jarring things that came out of my last session with Mistress Sky was her flat-out stating that she could not teach Bear how to be a Master. He is standing in his own way, and until he moves past (or blasts through or whatever) and is able to be “fully present” – her expression for engaging emotionally without reservation – she won’t be able to teach him Mastery.

We’ll continue the couples sessions with Mistress Sky though, we’re seeing our vanilla therapist again, and I’m hopeful that Bear can get to me. He is my beloved and I am his, I have no doubts about that at all. He’ll just have to let himself step in front of the mountain of fear he has erected.

I’ll probably blog a little about the concepts Mistress Sky taught me, or will teach me, in my sessions with her. I’m not sure how much of it is still going to be submissive training while we work through relationship stuff. She tells me she wants to “continue to show up for” me, and I am immensely grateful for it.

She had us watch two TED talks by Dr. Brene Brown, and I am seeing the “shame” dynamic in particular everywhere right now. In our relationship, in our relation to our kids (heartbreaking, that), in Bear’s reactions to being questioned, in my own reaction to having trouble with a difficult task or being in a group of strangers. Shame shows up and says “you are not good enough” and “who do you think you are anyway”, and while those are not new concepts to me, right now I’m at a point where I can really hear this and can make changes based on it. I highly recommend watching these. One on vulnerability, and one on shame.

One of the concrete changes I’m making is that I will be clear in wanting to establish community. I never really engaged with the local D/s or kink community, despite sending out feelers, mainly because Bear was very reluctant. I am going to change that. Community is important. I’ll always invite Bear to be part of this, and I hope he will be. We’ll be at Bound in Boston and the Spring Flea, so if you’re going to either one of those and would like to say hi and connect, please do! I’m on Fetlife as “Schnoff”.

I’ve vowed to be better at communicating my needs, in a way that doesn’t set Bear off. I’m making progress. Mistress Sky is helping us with that.

Bear has been way more engaged in relating to me as his submissive partner than he ever has been in our time together. It’s making me happy and giving me a lot of hope. I’m calling him Sir way more often in response.

On the orgasm denial side of things, I’ve asked Bear to please help me out. Being obedient is something I can do for a few weeks, and then my willpower runs out, and I have a ruined orgasm. I said that a couple paragraphs ago, didn’t I.

To my delight, this time around, he said yes. He likes the idea of a chastity device, now. I’m over the moon. Imagine being able to obey and not needing super-Schnoffan willpower for it! I reached out to Dietmar and will be ordering a Securo-Cage 2, essentially a bell for the bell-end, just as soon as I can figure out exactly what I am supposed to be measuring, here.

I think that does for a quick catch-up. Lots of stuff happening. Lots of good stuff. Also scary stuff, because this puts the exact form our relationship will take up in the air. This change is good, though. Way better than me killing the relationship in pain and confusion and fear.

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Tumblr response: What’s with this chastity thing?

Tumblr served up text amidst the usual smut, and because that text is about chastity, I am interested and wanted to respond. Tumblr also really doesn’t do responses very well, so I’ll respond here.

bound-indulgence muses on what the point of chastity might be, and talks about his own preferences to leave subs out of a chastity cage. And then he wonders whether he’s alone with that. Go read that and come back.

First off: You’re most certainly not alone. Bear dislikes chastity cages completely. So I don’t ever wear one. We don’t even own one.

He loves denial, though. He wants me coming only with his permission (which I have a spotty record of), and he usually allows an orgasm anywhere between 6 weeks and  4 months apart, though it’s been much shorter, too. He wants to be unpredictable.

If I ever forced his hand to sticking me in a cage, Bear’d be miserable – though less miserable than if I came without permission all the time. I want him happy, not miserable. Learning how to obey him in this has been a very fulfilling journey that also has applications in other aspects of my life. I may blog about that in a bit more depth, separately.

I’ll go and quote some of bound-indulgence’s post and reply directly

To me, pictures of a cock locked up in some cheesy looking plastic device, is a turn off.

I think you’ll find complete agreement with that even with people who do use chastity devices a lot. Cheesy plastic devices are terrible. They pinch, they look like shite, they break. They’re cheap. So they’re a decent option to let someone figure out whether chastity is for them, before they spring for the Lexus or custom-built BMW: Bespoke metal devices made of steel or titanium.

Two good examples of craftsmen/artists who create these are Steelworxx in Germany and Steelwerks in Canada. The former is the Lexus, the latter is the custom BMW. Steelwerks have suggestions for typical devices on their site, and really, anything goes. You can get something completely custom that fits like a glove.

Thumper has blogged a ton about different kinds of devices, so that’d be the first stop for geeking out about chastity devices.

Small penises don’t turn me on

Completely valid, and I’m with you. Some love small dicks, others love big dicks. Different strokes for different folks.

chastity may shrink the penis

Experience says it really doesn’t. See Thumper again, he’s been doing this for years and isn’t sized any differently than he was. It can leave permanent marks or leave semi-permanent indentations.
The psychological impact is profound, and maybe that’s what you’re keying on with “the penis shrinks.” It can sure seem that way.

He should earn orgasms, but I think its hot when he’s finally allowed to cum.

Well, I’d have to agree, only because I don’t want to never come again :). And Bear certainly agrees. When that magical point in time called “finally” arrives really depends on the whims of the Dom, and I think it also depends on what the actual living situation looks like. Is this a “see each other and have a session” kind of deal, or is it a “live together” kind of deal? I think the amount of time to “finally” will vary greatly depending on the relationship between Dom and sub. And of course the Dom’s wishes.

You want your sub to earn an orgasm and if he’s done that, let him come during the session: More power to you!

Bear wants my orgasm to be something that he decides upon at a whim, that I cannot earn or predict. Also completely valid.

There are as many variations to this game as there are people. Some don’t want anything to do with denial, others want periods of hours, or maybe days, yet others prefer a few weeks, yet others months, and some want to go a year or years. There’s no wrong answer here, only what gets everyone involved off – figuratively speaking for the sub that is :),

My last thought is one I’ve taken from Tom and quoted a few times on here already: Chastity with device and denial without device are completely different kinks. Device chastity is about control, or the lack thereof for the sub; denial without device is about obedience. Control in that case is with the sub, not the Dom. The desire to obey, and to follow through on that, can be a powerful expression of devotion.

 

 

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December Picture Post

BEAR here.

OK, one thing learned is that holidays get in the way of willpower to do this thing monthly, but instead of just saying that it is going to happen “whenever”, I am going to try and still stick to the schedule (knowing I have already missed a month) and see what happens.

When I was taking my photography classes, one of the assignments was to do a piece of product photography reproducing a magazine ad photograph as closely as possible. I had decided to recreate a picture of a tripod ball and plate wrapped with ribbon and hanging from a tree. well, I can’t hang him from a tree exactly, but I can wrap him in ribbon. In retrospect, I should have used more ribbon, especially around the balls. That being said:

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME!

(and to you too)

Click to view photos in the gallery.

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Pillow talk

Bear, while we’re basking after he pounded me into the mattress: “I’m not going to let you come this time.”

“Okay,” I say.

“I want to explain to you why,” Bear says. “Whenever you come like you did, I feel like I better give you an orgasm soon, like it might have been too long for you. And I want it to be completely my choice. I don’t want to be influenced in any way. So I’m going to let you come when I want to.”

I take a breath. “That makes me very excited and happy,” I say, as if the jutting erection between my thighs isn’t testimony enough.

Later that same day, we are kidding around, and our conversation goes back to the sex we had that day.

“I enjoyed that very much,” I say. “I hope you did too.”

“Eh,” Bear says. “I had an orgasm. Big deal.” He looks over at me sideways and grins slyly.

Unf. I know exactly what he’s getting, and I can’t have it, and I love it.

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BDSM Photo fun for October

BEAR here.

So schnoff and I have sort of made a pact that as part of his blogging that he would post a summary/insight into his journey on here not just for his and your pleasure, but also I am finding I gain new insights into his path as well. In return, I will work on some photography to share with you guys each month. It’s a win, win, win situation. 🙂

So here is what I have been working on for the past few weeks off and on. I call it “Multiplicity” or “The Many Moods of Schnoff”. Yes, you are not seeing quadruple. He is in this picture 4 times in various poses. There was quite a bit of post work in this one because it is a composite photo with several layers and it took quite a bit of effort. I have an animated GIF as well, but it is a bit large in file size, so I won’t be able to share that with you until I figure out where to host the file.

I hope you enjoy!

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Oh look, lint (September)

Navel-gazing, mostly, in September, I’d say. Plus some frottage. Oh the frottage. Unf.

Oh, and I’ve been really enjoying unixslut’s journal / tumblr. Go read it. It’s great stuff.

Week 4 and 5 of denial

Things felt a bit surreal. This is the navel-gazing part. I’d become acutely aware at odd times of this denial thing. Usually, I fully accept and take for granted that I don’t come, that being horny and desperate is my normal, nay desired state. Weeks 4 and 5, I saw it “from the outside” for brief periods, as it were: What on earth am I doing? Why wouldn’t I want to come whenever I want to?
Lest you think this developed into full-blown angst, it didn’t. I just acknowledged those feelings and thoughts and went on with my day. Eventually, they’d be replaced again by my usual enjoyment of denial play.

Week 6 and 7 of denial

I felt desperate sometime during week 6. So desperate for an orgasm that I was ready to genuinely beg, to do anything at all just so I might come. Unfortunately, when I was in that state, it was around midnight, and Bear was dead tired. So I didn’t beg. I whimpered. I shifted around. I moaned. And eventually I fell asleep, and the next day I was still desperate, but not so desperate as to beg for release; and the day after that, I felt considerably calmer.

Sometime during those two weeks, Bear wanted a frot session. I got him very close before I was close myself. Bear didn’t react when I told him I was close. I had half-hoped for an orgasm, but instead I brought him to orgasm with my hand, while my cock was bobbing to the side.

Bear made a point of praising me for having gotten him that close before I had to remove my cock, then teased my cock some more, and finally allowed me to hump his leg for a while. I was just about mindless at that point, nuzzling into him and rubbing my cock against his thigh and not thinking. I was sensation and desperate desire and obedience all at once, with just a small layer of conscious thought on top.

That Bear did this was immensely helpful to me. Yes, of course, there’s the sheer pleasure of it: Being praised and teased feels great. It also changes my behavior. Every time I please Bear well, and do not come myself, and Bear makes a point of giving me “positive reinforcement” for that behavior – praise, additional teasing and stimulation, whatever other scooby snacks, to borrow Thumper’s phrase, might be appropriate – I can feel my desires shifting. It changes motivation, it’s a form of behavior modification, if you so will. Sure, I’ll always be desperately horny – but increasingly desperate for sensation, not for orgasm. My desire is to concentrate on Bear’s pleasure, because that is linked to my own pleasure.

This is a gradual thing. I’m not going to be the story-book submissive that only thinks of his Master’s pleasure overnight, or maybe ever. I do know that every time Bear praises me for getting him off without coming myself, it gets easier to do that again next time.

I’ve observed that when Bear teases me while I please him, and brings me close repeatedly, even the last layer of conscious thought evaporates. It’s a wonderful state to be in, though I get to it too rarely for my own liking. I think this is what people mean when they speak of “sub space.” I avoid the term myself, but that’s only because I am suspicious of coining special terms like “sub space” and “sub drop”, which may obscure more than they illuminate. That suspicion comes from me and my particular sense of language, and does not reflect on anybody else’s use of those terms.

 Week  8 of denial

Okay I’m cheating, we’re in October. At the end of week 8, Bear wanted another frot session. I didn’t know whether I could make it through it, as I felt considerably hornier than I had a week and a half ago. Bear told me that he had been thinking of letting me come. He also told me that I was not allowed to come before he had. Hot. I love hearing that.

I made a point of keeping my foreskin over part of my glans, particularly over my frenum, to reduce sensation. I focused on Bear’s face, I focused on what gave him pleasure, rather than kinking about what I was doing to myself, how denied I was (ooo baby), or anything of that nature. I wanted to be able to get him to orgasm without getting to orgasm myself. I considered thinking about Dungeons and Dragons game mechanics, but that distracted me from Bear’s pleasure. As geeky a solution as that might be to impending orgasm, it was not really an option. I used my PC muscles (“kegeled”) a few times as I got close, which did back me off from the brink just far enough. Bear had a very satisfying orgasm, and I was just on the cusp of needing to stop all stimulation to my own cock.

Afterwards, we lay side by side. Bear was enjoying the after-glow, and my cock was twitching involuntarily. I really, really wanted some more stimulation from Bear. Which I didn’t get. I also didn’t want to disturb his afterglow.

Later that day, I told Bear that I had hoped he would tease me some more.

“Oh,” he said. “Sorry, I was enjoying the afterglow.”

“That’s perfectly alright,” I said, and meant it.

“I’ll make it up to you later with some baby oil,” Bear said.

At the end of the day, I went to bed while Bear stayed up a while longer. I figured he had changed his mind about stroking me, or forgotten about it. Far from it. At around 1AM, when he came to bed, he woke me up. He ordered me on my back, flipped back the covers, and stroked me for a few minutes, playing with hand positions to find the ones that would make me whimper and arch my back and writhe. Then he kissed me good night, I babbled submissive thankful things, and we went to sleep.

On ruined orgasms

I have a chip on my shoulder about the idea of ruined orgasms. This is another of those things with me and words. I can’t help myself. This might be a way for me to exorcise those normative demons.

So, when I read someone say – and I’m not going to call out particular people, that’s not what this is about: “I’ve been denied for two months, and I had two ruined orgasms in that time,” I twitch. I have a knee-jerk reaction. “You’re doing it wrong!” An orgasm is an orgasm, ruined or otherwise. The clock starts over. And anyway, come on, even a “ruined” orgasm (note the airquotes) is pleasurable, just not as pleasurable.

And, goshdarnit, all those things are true – for me only. That is how Bear and I roll. If I come without permission, even though “ruined”, the clock starts over. I’ve been working hard to get better at that, and I am proud and happy I got to 11 weeks at least once.

All you people out there in kinkland who have been denied for a long time, with one or a bunch of ruined orgasms in between: Rock on. This is what you do, and it’s just as keen as what I do. And I’ll keep reminding myself of that. Where on Earth do I get off even thinking about judging other people’s sexual lives? Written down, it’s ludicrous. Begone, normative demons. Bother me no more.

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For me? Really?!?

My new collar arrived. Bear is out, getting peppers for a home-made Frank’s Red Hot clone. I can’t wait for him to come back home.

So, wait what? This weekend, Bear wanted to fuck me. I asked him whether he wanted to leash me, as well, and he said yes he would. Using the collar I made some 14 years ago, which recently came out of the toy chest again. And which I’ve since cleaned up. That was Verdigris on there, ya’ll, and a big shout-out to the leatherworker’s group on Fetlife who helped me figure out how to clean it.

That was a really good fuck. One of the most intense ones I ever experienced. Maybe because I was wearing ball weights at the time, maybe because it had been 11 weeks since I last came, maybe because Bear was using the leash to give him leverage and I was leaning into the collar for all I was worth – or a combination of all of the above and it being a nice Sunday.

So, after, when it came time to shower, and then take a nice bubble bath after the shower, the collar had to come off, of course. It being leather. And I asked Bear: “Would you be interested in a collar that can stay on for a shower or bath?” And he said: “That’s just what I had been thinking!”

Ah yeah. Believe you me you did not have to tell me twice. I found a few options online, and Bear picked out a Ruffwear Headwater collar. A dog collar rather than a fetish one, and I find that quite appropriate, given where we are now in our relationship and play. Said collar just arrived, and did I mention I’m all but bouncing around the house?

I’m really glad the old collar came out again and we got to make some good memories with it, after all the hurt I had associated with it before. I am and always will be associating a collar with being owned, with being Bear’s pet. I get and fully accept that to him (qualifier “right now”, and yeah, that qualifier is in my mind), this is just play. I’m good with that, as he is good with the fact that to me, it’s more than just play.

Bear, incidentally, later commented that he was surprised how much leverage the leash gave him, and that he really enjoyed being able to thrust hard without having to put so much work in. I love hearing that. It gives me what I want – a collar – while giving pleasure to Bear. Doesn’t get better than that.

Ah, and because it’s the done thing, I believe: I came today. 11 and a half weeks since last time. We had a frot session not unlike this one, with the difference that there was no way I was going to get Bear off without coming. It wasn’t the same for him when I took my cock out, so I told him that if I kept going and got him off, I’d come. He decided he wanted that. More than A-OK by me. The orgasm itself was intense and I made quite the mess.

He checked in with me a few hours later to ask whether that had upset me. Hell No. I kink on my orgasm being controlled by Bear, and on being obedient to him. That means long-ish denial periods right now, but it could also mean coming frequently whenever he wants me to, and I am equally fine with both. Though I am happy that I had the chance to last for 11+ weeks and prove that I can be obedient past the 7-week mark.

I don’t feel any “post-orgasm funk”, in fact I was horny again 30 minutes later. In no way do I mean to diminish the experiences of those men who have a hard time for a few days after coming – and I am glad I don’t seem to be among them.

[I’ts-been-5-minutes-since-I-posted-this-update]

The Red Hot Clone is simmering on the stove, and once Bear was no longer busy, I came in with collar and leash in my mouth and knelt. He grinned and put the collar on me, and I had the same butterflies I had 14 years ago when he first collared me. It’s comfortable and he really likes the way it looks. I’m hard and happy. Don’t ask me why I put so much stock in this symbol – all I know is that I do.

 

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