I ain’t dead yet

I’ve taken a serious break from blogging. I think it’s been over a year since I wrote here. We’re still around, stuff has been happening, and I’ll try and catch the Interwebs up on what’s been going on with my relationship, and my dick.

Someone was kind enough to leave me feedback:

It’s been more than four years. Can we get a quick update? I’m a straight male, but I so enjoy reading about your dynamic. Thanks!

That dynamic really is the core of why I’ve not been blogging. I’ve been increasingly frustrated with it. It always felt like I was just not “getting enough”, and then I second-guessed myself, and so it went. Part of my issue was that I had absolutely no-one to model M/s for me, at least not the type of M/s I have in mind. The team-based, collaborative kind, not the adversarial “beat up on the slave” kind.

For the tease and denial, I kept failing every few weeks or so, having a ruined orgasm without permission, and that brought me down, too.

Negative energy all around, and something needed to change for the better.

The below is going to be the short version. I won’t retell every moment of frustration or hope here.

Mistress Sky (she’s got a web presence) released her “Unequal Partnership” book in April. I read it, and I knew that this was what I wanted. I reached out to her asking her to mentor us in D/s, and Bear said he wanted a chance to read the book first. That took us to September before he was through with it, and we started talking to Mistress Sky.

It’s been a real eye-opener for me. For the first time, I have someone who can model M/s for me, and where I can learn what a good, functioning M/s relationship can look like.

In a nutshell, the leading partner or Master or Dominant or whatever you want to call that creates a framework, “holds” the implementing partner / submissive / slave, and is particularly invested in long-term planning and constantly checking the health of the relationship.

That is, in a nutshell, not Bear. I, at this point, just want him to get to his truth. If he wants to and can be that, I’d be ecstatic. If he can’t or won’t, I’ll love him no less for it – and I’ll have to figure out how I get my needs met, then.

We’ve had one couples session so far, Bear has had one session with her, I’ve had two “submissive training” sessions with her, and we have another couples session coming up.

She had us read another book, “Building the team” by Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny. It’s a gem, really full of wonderful ideas.

Out of that came Bear telling me that he had never understood what I meant by wanting to be equal partners and having a D/s relationship, but that he got it now, and that this was part of why he had always been so reluctant to commit to D/s. Now he tells me, 18 years in, right? Oy gevalt. And, positive thoughts, hope, it can only get better from here.
Edit: I want to add to this. The “oy gevalt” comes across as me being solely on the receiving end here. And I’m not. I’ve chosen to be with Christopher for 18 years, because I had things to learn, which I learned and am learning in that relationship. And I am looking forward to how our relationship will change, even as the prospect of change can be scary.

One of the slightly jarring things that came out of my last session with Mistress Sky was her flat-out stating that she could not teach Bear how to be a Master. He is standing in his own way, and until he moves past (or blasts through or whatever) and is able to be “fully present” – her expression for engaging emotionally without reservation – she won’t be able to teach him Mastery.

We’ll continue the couples sessions with Mistress Sky though, we’re seeing our vanilla therapist again, and I’m hopeful that Bear can get to me. He is my beloved and I am his, I have no doubts about that at all. He’ll just have to let himself step in front of the mountain of fear he has erected.

I’ll probably blog a little about the concepts Mistress Sky taught me, or will teach me, in my sessions with her. I’m not sure how much of it is still going to be submissive training while we work through relationship stuff. She tells me she wants to “continue to show up for” me, and I am immensely grateful for it.

She had us watch two TED talks by Dr. Brene Brown, and I am seeing the “shame” dynamic in particular everywhere right now. In our relationship, in our relation to our kids (heartbreaking, that), in Bear’s reactions to being questioned, in my own reaction to having trouble with a difficult task or being in a group of strangers. Shame shows up and says “you are not good enough” and “who do you think you are anyway”, and while those are not new concepts to me, right now I’m at a point where I can really hear this and can make changes based on it. I highly recommend watching these. One on vulnerability, and one on shame.

One of the concrete changes I’m making is that I will be clear in wanting to establish community. I never really engaged with the local D/s or kink community, despite sending out feelers, mainly because Bear was very reluctant. I am going to change that. Community is important. I’ll always invite Bear to be part of this, and I hope he will be. We’ll be at Bound in Boston and the Spring Flea, so if you’re going to either one of those and would like to say hi and connect, please do! I’m on Fetlife as “Schnoff”.

I’ve vowed to be better at communicating my needs, in a way that doesn’t set Bear off. I’m making progress. Mistress Sky is helping us with that.

Bear has been way more engaged in relating to me as his submissive partner than he ever has been in our time together. It’s making me happy and giving me a lot of hope. I’m calling him Sir way more often in response.

On the orgasm denial side of things, I’ve asked Bear to please help me out. Being obedient is something I can do for a few weeks, and then my willpower runs out, and I have a ruined orgasm. I said that a couple paragraphs ago, didn’t I.

To my delight, this time around, he said yes. He likes the idea of a chastity device, now. I’m over the moon. Imagine being able to obey and not needing super-Schnoffan willpower for it! I reached out to Dietmar and will be ordering a Securo-Cage 2, essentially a bell for the bell-end, just as soon as I can figure out exactly what I am supposed to be measuring, here.

I think that does for a quick catch-up. Lots of stuff happening. Lots of good stuff. Also scary stuff, because this puts the exact form our relationship will take up in the air. This change is good, though. Way better than me killing the relationship in pain and confusion and fear.


Tumblr response: What’s with this chastity thing?

Tumblr served up text amidst the usual smut, and because that text is about chastity, I am interested and wanted to respond. Tumblr also really doesn’t do responses very well, so I’ll respond here.

bound-indulgence muses on what the point of chastity might be, and talks about his own preferences to leave subs out of a chastity cage. And then he wonders whether he’s alone with that. Go read that and come back.

First off: You’re most certainly not alone. Bear dislikes chastity cages completely. So I don’t ever wear one. We don’t even own one.

He loves denial, though. He wants me coming only with his permission (which I have a spotty record of), and he usually allows an orgasm anywhere between 6 weeks and  4 months apart, though it’s been much shorter, too. He wants to be unpredictable.

If I ever forced his hand to sticking me in a cage, Bear’d be miserable – though less miserable than if I came without permission all the time. I want him happy, not miserable. Learning how to obey him in this has been a very fulfilling journey that also has applications in other aspects of my life. I may blog about that in a bit more depth, separately.

I’ll go and quote some of bound-indulgence’s post and reply directly

To me, pictures of a cock locked up in some cheesy looking plastic device, is a turn off.

I think you’ll find complete agreement with that even with people who do use chastity devices a lot. Cheesy plastic devices are terrible. They pinch, they look like shite, they break. They’re cheap. So they’re a decent option to let someone figure out whether chastity is for them, before they spring for the Lexus or custom-built BMW: Bespoke metal devices made of steel or titanium.

Two good examples of craftsmen/artists who create these are Steelworxx in Germany and Steelwerks in Canada. The former is the Lexus, the latter is the custom BMW. Steelwerks have suggestions for typical devices on their site, and really, anything goes. You can get something completely custom that fits like a glove.

Thumper has blogged a ton about different kinds of devices, so that’d be the first stop for geeking out about chastity devices.

Small penises don’t turn me on

Completely valid, and I’m with you. Some love small dicks, others love big dicks. Different strokes for different folks.

chastity may shrink the penis

Experience says it really doesn’t. See Thumper again, he’s been doing this for years and isn’t sized any differently than he was. It can leave permanent marks or leave semi-permanent indentations.
The psychological impact is profound, and maybe that’s what you’re keying on with “the penis shrinks.” It can sure seem that way.

He should earn orgasms, but I think its hot when he’s finally allowed to cum.

Well, I’d have to agree, only because I don’t want to never come again :). And Bear certainly agrees. When that magical point in time called “finally” arrives really depends on the whims of the Dom, and I think it also depends on what the actual living situation looks like. Is this a “see each other and have a session” kind of deal, or is it a “live together” kind of deal? I think the amount of time to “finally” will vary greatly depending on the relationship between Dom and sub. And of course the Dom’s wishes.

You want your sub to earn an orgasm and if he’s done that, let him come during the session: More power to you!

Bear wants my orgasm to be something that he decides upon at a whim, that I cannot earn or predict. Also completely valid.

There are as many variations to this game as there are people. Some don’t want anything to do with denial, others want periods of hours, or maybe days, yet others prefer a few weeks, yet others months, and some want to go a year or years. There’s no wrong answer here, only what gets everyone involved off – figuratively speaking for the sub that is :),

My last thought is one I’ve taken from Tom and quoted a few times on here already: Chastity with device and denial without device are completely different kinks. Device chastity is about control, or the lack thereof for the sub; denial without device is about obedience. Control in that case is with the sub, not the Dom. The desire to obey, and to follow through on that, can be a powerful expression of devotion.




December Picture Post

BEAR here.

OK, one thing learned is that holidays get in the way of willpower to do this thing monthly, but instead of just saying that it is going to happen “whenever”, I am going to try and still stick to the schedule (knowing I have already missed a month) and see what happens.

When I was taking my photography classes, one of the assignments was to do a piece of product photography reproducing a magazine ad photograph as closely as possible. I had decided to recreate a picture of a tripod ball and plate wrapped with ribbon and hanging from a tree. well, I can’t hang him from a tree exactly, but I can wrap him in ribbon. In retrospect, I should have used more ribbon, especially around the balls. That being said:


(and to you too)

Click to view photos in the gallery.


Pillow talk

Bear, while we’re basking after he pounded me into the mattress: “I’m not going to let you come this time.”

“Okay,” I say.

“I want to explain to you why,” Bear says. “Whenever you come like you did, I feel like I better give you an orgasm soon, like it might have been too long for you. And I want it to be completely my choice. I don’t want to be influenced in any way. So I’m going to let you come when I want to.”

I take a breath. “That makes me very excited and happy,” I say, as if the jutting erection between my thighs isn’t testimony enough.

Later that same day, we are kidding around, and our conversation goes back to the sex we had that day.

“I enjoyed that very much,” I say. “I hope you did too.”

“Eh,” Bear says. “I had an orgasm. Big deal.” He looks over at me sideways and grins slyly.

Unf. I know exactly what he’s getting, and I can’t have it, and I love it.


BDSM Photo fun for October

BEAR here.

So schnoff and I have sort of made a pact that as part of his blogging that he would post a summary/insight into his journey on here not just for his and your pleasure, but also I am finding I gain new insights into his path as well. In return, I will work on some photography to share with you guys each month. It’s a win, win, win situation. 🙂

So here is what I have been working on for the past few weeks off and on. I call it “Multiplicity” or “The Many Moods of Schnoff”. Yes, you are not seeing quadruple. He is in this picture 4 times in various poses. There was quite a bit of post work in this one because it is a composite photo with several layers and it took quite a bit of effort. I have an animated GIF as well, but it is a bit large in file size, so I won’t be able to share that with you until I figure out where to host the file.

I hope you enjoy!