Panties, and gender roles

I was reading Lion’s entry on being forced to wear frilly panties and the humiliation that causes him, and that got me thinking about deep-rooted sexism in our society. That’s not a particularly original thought, to be sure. I figured I might as well blog about it anyway and see where I am at with it.

Lion had this to say:

My view is that the reason I am embarrassed is that  being discovered would make me different and inappropriate. The political issue of women being free to dress in male clothes and men humiliated by wearing women’s clothes is a longstanding  sexism issue. I definitely didn’t choose to address that.

So there’s “violating societal norms”, and the embarrassment that stems from that, and “violating gender norms”. And then there’s the whole “men who dress in women’s clothes aren’t real men” thing, which is where the sexism comes in.

What a mess. I’m not sure I can untangle this in my own mind.

Personally, I own frilly panties and love them. I’m not embarrassed by them. To the contrary, I feel sexy and empowered and desirable in them. And definitely very male.

This might be simpler for me because I am (for all intents and purposes) gay, and so “violating societal and gender norms” kinda comes with the territory.

Yay me, right? But not so fast. Bear recently mentioned he wanted to pick out clothes for me, and my first response after “yes Sir” was to make sure he didn’t mean he was going to pick out women’s clothes for me. I had to be reassured. Because that would be embarrassing.

And I can’t figure out exactly whether that’d be embarrassing because I am violating societal and gender norms, or because it’d make me less of a man somehow. I want to say the former and not the latter, that I could run around in what’s widely considered “women’s clothes” – as long as the cut is male and fits my body well, obviously, who wants to wear dumpy stuff – and feel just as male and empowered. And I’m not sure that’s so. I don’t know that I’ll find out, either, because the “draw stares by violating societal norms” awkwardness / shame would be too great.

I don’t have any great insights, other than that I’d encourage people to be a little “different and inappropriate”. Within reason.

Frilly panties – they are no more inappropriate than boxer shorts while not visible in public, and just as inappropriate when visible. That’s a safe one. They’re sexy, so go right for it.

A dog rope collar – I wear one all the time, but I stopped wearing it to work or when socializing with colleagues. I got a few “what the hell dude” comments, and decided it was less than professional to wear, even under a dress shirt, or even when in casual wear but still during a work-related function. Outside of work, strangers always ignore the thing or will give a “that’s so cool” compliment, and my friends mostly ignore the thing, and a few have commented because they are curious. I tell them it means exactly what they think it means, and that’s usually as far as it goes. So if you’re wondering whether you can wear a collar in public – you can.

Those are safe expressions of individuality. I’d love for men to be able to wear more colorful clothes and more types of clothes. “Be the change you want to see in the world,” I know. Maybe if I achieve Fuck You Money or retire, but until then, I care too much about what that might mean professionally.

In the meantime, the best I can do is be aware of when I’m embarrassed, acknowledge there’s likely an element of sexism in it, because one simply cannot escape this shit, and do my best to not feed that element of sexism.

What are your experiences with wearing clothing that doesn’t conform to gender norms? And how hard do you believe we should think about this stuff?

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A nerdy orgasm denial game

Ever since we started daily check-ins for orgasm control, I’ve had a much easier time obeying Bear and not coming without permission.

And, I still am mostly useless for hours at a time, while I play with my dick. Some way of putting a limit on that is needed, or I won’t get anything done around here when I feel unreasonably horny. The standard answer is “lock it away”, and that’s in the cards, sometime December.

In the meantime, I’ve suggested a nerdy game to Bear. It involves D&D dice!

At the end of the day, roll a D20.

1: Don’t stroke the next day.

2-19: Bring yourself to the edge this many times the next day, don’t come.

20: Don’t stroke for the next 1D10 days.

I’ve gotten much better at getting myself to the edge and not over, as well. I am using my ball sack as an additional indicator. When it gets tight to my body, it’s time to slow down and pay attention and stop just as I can feel the very beginning of emission;  wait until the sack is relaxed and loose again before starting another edge.

The idea here is to get close to orgasm, but not too close, so that I can still let my hands rest on my dick and balls and not come.

I had suggested an ultra-nerdy “obedience modifier” to Bear for the Natural 20 result: Don’t stroke for 1D10 + obedience modifier days, where obedience modifier is taking the number of days since I last came, and treating it like a D&D stat. As I am writing this, for example, that’d be 30 days since I came, hence a modifier of +10.

That escalates rather quickly, and Bear doesn’t want to put me in a situation where I can’t succeed. So, no obedience modifier. Maybe when the cage arrives, we’ll revisit that 1D10.

Bear is still thinking about this game, as in, whether he wants to go ahead with it. I have to say I love the idea of getting a little D&D into my dick play.

If you have played games with orgasm denial or chastity, I’d love to hear about your experience. What did you do, and what was it like for you and your partner?

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Sir and pet

Since my last “here’s everything that happened since 2016” post, there’s been good progress. Bear told me that he wanted to talk about my being his pet again, since he felt awkward every time the topic came up. A few days later, we sat down and discussed it. He is now my Sir, and I am his pet. It’s been — I don’t even know how long since we last tried that. Over a decade, I think.

To fill that with life, we have some “touchpoints” throughout the day. Hitting them consistently is a team effort.

In the morning, while still in bed, we check in with each other, ask how each other’s night was, and make a point to touch.

I make breakfast for Bear and serve him coffee kneeling (and if the weather is warm enough, naked) – that’s not changed, we’ve been doing that.

We embrace before Bear goes to work.

When Bear comes back from work, we check in with each other, ask how each other’s day was.

In the evening, just before getting into bed, we embrace. Bear tells me “I share myself with you, pet” and I tell him “I give myself to you, Sir.”

Once we’re in bed, Bear checks in with me to ask me how I have been doing with orgasm control that day.

I love the emotional connection this gives us. The structure is incredibly helpful to deal with the fact that we both have jobs and sometimes busy lives and it’s easy to let D/s be swamped by the day-to-day. Having specific points in the day to reassure each other of our love for each other and our roles in the relationship is truly lovely.

Bear has made a point of telling me what he wants me to do that day. It’s becoming quite common for him to say something along the lines of “Make sure to pay this bill today, pet”; or “I want you to fix the button on this shirt for me, pet.” I’m thriving on it.

Our couples therapist, T., asked Bear why he wanted control, and he answered “to feel safe”. She cautioned Bear that having control and having control over someone are two very different things, and if dominance – “control over” – is not true to his self, going down that path will be dis-empowering, not empowering.

He’s still feeling his way along, for sure. He asked for my support, and he has it. We’re in this together. Regardless of where this leads. Bear may find that having “control over” is truly in his nature, or he may find that he just wants control to feel safe, and “control over” is not something that really works for him. Either outcome is fine. To get there, he’ll need to experience what “control over” feels like. So far he seems to like it. Yesterday, he told me he might want to pick my clothes for me, now and then.

Mistress Sky, who is helping us tremendously with D/s mentoring, told us in our last meeting with her that she doesn’t have a read yet on where Bear stands with regards to D/s, either. And then she went on to say that, although she’s only seen me for submissive training twice, she’s asked me to give myself to her both times, and I did, and hence I am a “true submissive.” I’ll leave the implications that there might be “false submissives” to the side. She also keeps telling us that “Sir and his pet are so beautiful together.”
The positive reinforcement is welcome, actually, even as I recognize it for what it is. She is sincere in what she says, and I can do with hearing that what I’m after is good and wholesome and desirable.

I’m feeling better right now than I have been in years. The daily emotional connection and daily touch fills a need, as does being the pet in a D/s relationship. I can’t rightly explain this, and – I don’t want to live in a completely equal partnership. I am so much happier when I have a partner I can give myself to. There’s a part of me still that says “you’re out of your gourd” – I am in my late 40s and quite capable, so what am I doing wanting to be someone’s pet? And I can’t deny that when I live as a submissive man, I am happy and fulfilled, and when I don’t, I am degrees of miserable.

How does that jive with me saying that whatever Bear’s truth is, I am good with it, and I want him to get to it? Simply by wanting him to feel empowered and happy, and accepting all possible outcomes for our relationship. If being Sir to my pet is not in his true nature, our relationship will change. It may, very likely, end in that case, as Bear is in no way okay with non-exclusive relationship arrangements. And if that’s what needs to happen so we can both live true to ourselves, then that will be more than okay: It’ll be necessary and good.

I do hope that’s not how this ends, of course, and that Bear is most true to himself by being dominant. That’d be amazing. Also, truthfully, the easiest way forward. A breakup after 18 years together would hurt, and might get quite messy.

On the orgasm control side of things, the daily check-ins and touchpoints help a lot. I find that I crave that positive reinforcement more than I crave orgasm. I want to hear that “good boy” from Bear at the end of the day. I’ve been edging (getting myself close to orgasm and then not coming), and yesterday, with my body wanting release oh-so-very-badly, my own voice pops into my head and says “No! No!” sharply, followed by “Be a good boy.” And I was, and stopped before I came; and when I later told Bear about it, he smiled and praised me. Ah. Bliss.

 

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A look back: 3 years

Bear and I started with orgasm denial some 3 years ago. What we do and how we do has changed in that time.

Bear got comfortable teasing me. He used to feel terrible about teasing me, and then denying me an orgasm. What kind of person does that? Turns out, a loving, giving kind of person. He’s completely comfortable now and loves teasing me and hearing me whimper. He’s good at knowing when I get close, and I’ve gotten good at letting him know when I get close.
Most of the time, now, when I make him come, he’ll get me close two or three times during it, then leave me hard and aching. I ain’t complaining, for sure. More to the point, I feel deeply grateful every time he does this to me. If gratitude is the secret to a happy life, I should be all set.

The amount of time between orgasms is slowly getting longer. It used to be one every 2 to 3 weeks. Then it was one every 6 to 7 weeks. And now – I don’t know. I don’t have enough data. When I last came, it was after 12 weeks and a bit, and I’m hoping I won’t come again this year. Only because the year started with multiple orgasms that I wasn’t allowed to have, and I feel like I have something to prove, here.

My attitude towards denial is changing. Or maybe I should say, my attitude towards failure is changing. “Failure is bad” is getting replaced with “experimentation and failure are good, they are part of learning”. Of course I want to be obedient and don’t want to fail. It’s more about the mindset I have when I do, inevitably, fail. And how I can use that failure productively.

Bear’s dislike of chastity devices hasn’t changed. His reasoning has solidified. A chastity device would “let you off the hook”, and he doesn’t want that. I am to do my best to obey, and struggle with being horny. If there’s a device in the way, my obedience is not as meaningful to him.

While there aren’t chastity devices in our play, and likely never will be, Bear did add things over time.
I am pierced now with a Prince Albert, which feels incredible. It’s also a reminder of our dynamic that makes me happy every time I look at it. Best thing that’s been done to my cock, ever.
I am wearing a cock ring while in the house, which I am to take off when I leave the house. I keep forgetting, and Bear keeps taking it away from me for that. He’s telling me I should make checking for the cock ring part of putting on the seat belt. That way I won’t forget to take it off. I’m confident that’ll work – eventually.
And I wear Bear’s collar whenever I can. Which is in the house, out of the house, but not for customer visits. I left it on a few times and got puzzled comments, so I’m erring on the side of “less bold accessorization” now. It’s a rope dog collar, so it’s not extremely obviously a BDSM thing.

 

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Don’t stroke today

Early this year, up until the first week of February, I did not hold to my agreement with Bear. I’d stroke myself, giving in to a yearning for pleasure. And I’d tell myself I’d be fine, I wouldn’t ejaculate. And of course I did. Regardless of how clever I thought I was or how well I thought I could judge my excitement, I’d eventually go too far, take my hands away, and then 10 seconds later or so,  my cock would start pumping and there’d be a puddle. That must have happened three times in that short time.

And worse, I didn’t tell Bear about this, because I dreaded his response: That he felt disappointed in me. That’s the nuclear option of punishments, that is. There’s nothing I can do to redeem myself, and it feels awful.

Not that it gets any better by keeping him in the dark, but tell that to my brain.

I was so so tired of this pattern. I do well, I think I have myself in hand finally, Bear can be proud of me, and then, well, then it turns out I don’t have nearly as much self-control as I thought I had. And it feels like I’m back to square one. Though I know it’s not square one, it’s all part and parcel of learning.

At that point I had the idea to break  down the enormous, daunting task of obeying Bear for months and years, to just one day: Don’t stroke today. I even created it as a recurring task in Wunderlist. It felt good ticking it off every night.

I eventually did tell Bear about my lapses. He was not amused, as you might imagine. Even less about the fact that I hadn’t told him, and worse, had started playing word games: “The last time you let me orgasm was 15 weeks ago, Sir.” It was the praise I received for that statement that finally got me to see what I was doing, and to come clean.

We did talk about the emotional impact of his disappointment, and how my dread of that played into my silence. Not that that’s an excuse for my staying silent.

I kvetched that it wasn’t fair that half a year of obedience would be wiped out, in his view, by one moment of disobedience. But then, as I told him a day or so later after reflection, not fair is part and parcel of our dynamic. He has every right to not be fair.

During that discussion, Bear said, with incredulity in his voice: “But I just let you come!”

I gave a little laugh. “Yeah, 6 weeks ago.”

“That’s what I said,” Bear said. “That’s just.”

I mumbled something.

“Do you disagree?” Bear asked.

“No, Sir, I don’t disagree,” I said.

In retrospect, that moment was insanely hot.

In my frustration at not getting a handle on obedience, I asked, somewhat plaintively, if we couldn’t use a device sometimes. When I’m having a particularly rough time of it, say.

“I worry that’d let you off the hook,” Bear said. “You could just rely on the device, and not need to be obedient any more.”

He has an excellent point.

The “don’t stroke today” task worked well for a few months. At which point I, again, came without permission, about 6 weeks after Bear let me come. So, it didn’t work any better or any longer than anything else I’ve tried.

Bear has, quite possibly, let me off the hook after all. About 5 weeks ago he told me: “I’ve thought about it, and I want you to use the prostate toy you have to ejaculate. For health reasons. I don’t want our play to cause issues with your prostate. I used to think I didn’t want you doing that, because I’d no longer control your orgasms. But thinking on it, I still control your orgasm if I order you to do this. Even if I’m not present.”

I’ve managed to do that once, so far. I took 50 minutes of tapping my prostate with a “Pure” toy by NJoy. I ejaculated, while limp. It’s an odd sensation. Bear wants me to ejaculate every one to two weeks that way, and so far, I haven’t been able to do that again. I’ve given up in exhaustion after an hour and a half a few times.

I think that ejaculating that way may just reduce the urge to come enough that I won’t have my reptile brain taking over again. That’s why I say he may just let me off the hook after all.

 

In thinking about all this – the obedience, the disobedience, my constant struggle to turn the latter into the former – I realized that I have two (mostly unconscious) core beliefs that make this task infinitely harder:

“Failure is bad.”
“I am not good enough.”

I’ll sit with that. Be mindful of it, as it were. Disbelieving those statements can only be good, in all areas of life.

 

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Tumblr response: What’s with this chastity thing?

Tumblr served up text amidst the usual smut, and because that text is about chastity, I am interested and wanted to respond. Tumblr also really doesn’t do responses very well, so I’ll respond here.

bound-indulgence muses on what the point of chastity might be, and talks about his own preferences to leave subs out of a chastity cage. And then he wonders whether he’s alone with that. Go read that and come back.

First off: You’re most certainly not alone. Bear dislikes chastity cages completely. So I don’t ever wear one. We don’t even own one.

He loves denial, though. He wants me coming only with his permission (which I have a spotty record of), and he usually allows an orgasm anywhere between 6 weeks and  4 months apart, though it’s been much shorter, too. He wants to be unpredictable.

If I ever forced his hand to sticking me in a cage, Bear’d be miserable – though less miserable than if I came without permission all the time. I want him happy, not miserable. Learning how to obey him in this has been a very fulfilling journey that also has applications in other aspects of my life. I may blog about that in a bit more depth, separately.

I’ll go and quote some of bound-indulgence’s post and reply directly

To me, pictures of a cock locked up in some cheesy looking plastic device, is a turn off.

I think you’ll find complete agreement with that even with people who do use chastity devices a lot. Cheesy plastic devices are terrible. They pinch, they look like shite, they break. They’re cheap. So they’re a decent option to let someone figure out whether chastity is for them, before they spring for the Lexus or custom-built BMW: Bespoke metal devices made of steel or titanium.

Two good examples of craftsmen/artists who create these are Steelworxx in Germany and Steelwerks in Canada. The former is the Lexus, the latter is the custom BMW. Steelwerks have suggestions for typical devices on their site, and really, anything goes. You can get something completely custom that fits like a glove.

Thumper has blogged a ton about different kinds of devices, so that’d be the first stop for geeking out about chastity devices.

Small penises don’t turn me on

Completely valid, and I’m with you. Some love small dicks, others love big dicks. Different strokes for different folks.

chastity may shrink the penis

Experience says it really doesn’t. See Thumper again, he’s been doing this for years and isn’t sized any differently than he was. It can leave permanent marks or leave semi-permanent indentations.
The psychological impact is profound, and maybe that’s what you’re keying on with “the penis shrinks.” It can sure seem that way.

He should earn orgasms, but I think its hot when he’s finally allowed to cum.

Well, I’d have to agree, only because I don’t want to never come again :). And Bear certainly agrees. When that magical point in time called “finally” arrives really depends on the whims of the Dom, and I think it also depends on what the actual living situation looks like. Is this a “see each other and have a session” kind of deal, or is it a “live together” kind of deal? I think the amount of time to “finally” will vary greatly depending on the relationship between Dom and sub. And of course the Dom’s wishes.

You want your sub to earn an orgasm and if he’s done that, let him come during the session: More power to you!

Bear wants my orgasm to be something that he decides upon at a whim, that I cannot earn or predict. Also completely valid.

There are as many variations to this game as there are people. Some don’t want anything to do with denial, others want periods of hours, or maybe days, yet others prefer a few weeks, yet others months, and some want to go a year or years. There’s no wrong answer here, only what gets everyone involved off – figuratively speaking for the sub that is :),

My last thought is one I’ve taken from Tom and quoted a few times on here already: Chastity with device and denial without device are completely different kinks. Device chastity is about control, or the lack thereof for the sub; denial without device is about obedience. Control in that case is with the sub, not the Dom. The desire to obey, and to follow through on that, can be a powerful expression of devotion.

 

 

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Feel the Bern

Still on our road trip, while in an AirBnB in southern CA up on a hill with an amazing view, after I had made and served breakfast, Bear had me put on the cock and ball leather harness I so like, and some see-through panties. Then he snapped some pictures, while fondling me.

When he was done with picture taking, and I was still standing in the middle of the room, he came back with a tube of masturbation cream in his hand. I liked where this seemed to be going. He had some cream in his right hand, and he hugged me with one arm while smearing it over my balls with the other. That was a little odd, he doesn’t usually go for the balls, but I didn’t think anything of it.

Then the smell hit me. Not masturbation creme. Ben Gay. The tube had just been there to throw me off.

At first, there was pleasant warmth, then heat. I liked that a lot so far. Happy moans. And then the pain started. My balls, already stretched by the leather harness, turned an angry red. Pained moans.

Then Bear pushed me down onto my knees and told me to suck his cock. I didn’t need to be told twice. I gave him pleasure the best way I know how with my lips, tongue and hands, all the while very aware of my pained, burning balls and my straining cock.

Halfway through, Bear asks me how I’d like to make him come: By masturbating him, or by sucking him off?

I thought about it for a second and came off his cock long enough to say: “I don’t know that I can answer that, Sir.”

Which was the truth. I knew that if I masturbated him, he’d like it a lot, and I’d get a chance of being teased myself. And if I sucked him off, he’d like that a lot, and my cock would probably not get any further attention. And, kneeling in front of him sucking him off felt very right.

“Okay,” Bear said. “I’ll decide when I’m closer.”

Then he started fucking my mouth, holding my head with his hands. When I’d gag, he would slow down long enough for the reflex to pass, then resume his pace. When he came, it was deep in my throat, and he pulled my face into his crotch, ignoring the gag reflex he was triggering.

I thanked him, and when he moved away, stood up again. Truth be told, I was hoping that masturbation cream would see some use yet after all. My balls had settled down a bit and were still aching and red, but no longer intensely painful. Bear was moving around the room continuing his morning routine. After a minute or so, he looked over, saw me standing there, and said “you can get dressed again.”

“Yes, Sir,” I said, looked at the untouched puddle of pre in my slit with longing, and took off the cock and ball harness and got dressed.

This scene was exciting and painful and uncomfortable while it happened, and gets hotter every time I think back on it. Bear tells me he enjoyed causing me discomfort, and he will use Ben Gay on my balls again. I can hardly wait.

 

As for the subject of this post: It was right there! I had to!

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