4 submissive concepts

I am in “submissive training” or, probably more accurately and less formally, in “submissive mentoring” with Mistress Sky, and she taught me 4 submissive concepts during our first session together. I find them immensely useful, more so as the weeks go by, and wanted to share.

Being alert. Specifically, being aware of my surroundings, and noticing things that might benefit Bear, and thus us. And then taking action on that, not being shy. That might be noticing something that I think Bear may like, and making him aware of it. That might be noticing something that can be improved in our household or our lives, and doing something about it.
– I can get a whole lot better at this. This will be a constant opportunity for improving myself.

Honesty. Not so much the dictionary definition of “don’t tell a lie,” but showing my true inner self, honestly. That takes a ton of trust, and feeling safe enough to do that. In some cases, the “true inner self” can surprise the submissive, once it comes out.
– I’d say we’re doing well here. No surprises yet, though. Who knows what’s in store.

In the first instance. To react to Bear’s dominant energy with my own submissive energy, first and foremost. He tosses the ball, I toss it back. To give a concrete example, say Bear orders me to get him a drink. First and foremost, “yes Sir.” And then, if needed, “what kind of drink”, or “I’m in the middle of something, can it wait 2 minutes”, or whatever other minutiae and questions may come up. But first, react submissively to my dominant partner.
– Oh dear, “in the first instance”. I am so so good at analyzing and picking apart and thinking it through, I really struggle with this. And I am getting better at this. I enjoy the opportunity to practice.

Being fully present. To give my full attention, for sure, but more than that. To be fully present emotionally. To connect with Bear from the heart, to hold nothing back. To be emotional first, analytical and in the head second.
– I’m pretty happy with where I’m at here. There’s room for growth to be sure. When I feel myself growing distant from Bear, I recall this and see that I can use a small gesture or turn of phrase to bring us closer together again.

I hope these can be as useful to you as they are to me. If they help you, leave a comment and let me know how it went!

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Sir and pet

Since my last “here’s everything that happened since 2016” post, there’s been good progress. Bear told me that he wanted to talk about my being his pet again, since he felt awkward every time the topic came up. A few days later, we sat down and discussed it. He is now my Sir, and I am his pet. It’s been — I don’t even know how long since we last tried that. Over a decade, I think.

To fill that with life, we have some “touchpoints” throughout the day. Hitting them consistently is a team effort.

In the morning, while still in bed, we check in with each other, ask how each other’s night was, and make a point to touch.

I make breakfast for Bear and serve him coffee kneeling (and if the weather is warm enough, naked) – that’s not changed, we’ve been doing that.

We embrace before Bear goes to work.

When Bear comes back from work, we check in with each other, ask how each other’s day was.

In the evening, just before getting into bed, we embrace. Bear tells me “I share myself with you, pet” and I tell him “I give myself to you, Sir.”

Once we’re in bed, Bear checks in with me to ask me how I have been doing with orgasm control that day.

I love the emotional connection this gives us. The structure is incredibly helpful to deal with the fact that we both have jobs and sometimes busy lives and it’s easy to let D/s be swamped by the day-to-day. Having specific points in the day to reassure each other of our love for each other and our roles in the relationship is truly lovely.

Bear has made a point of telling me what he wants me to do that day. It’s becoming quite common for him to say something along the lines of “Make sure to pay this bill today, pet”; or “I want you to fix the button on this shirt for me, pet.” I’m thriving on it.

Our couples therapist, T., asked Bear why he wanted control, and he answered “to feel safe”. She cautioned Bear that having control and having control over someone are two very different things, and if dominance – “control over” – is not true to his self, going down that path will be dis-empowering, not empowering.

He’s still feeling his way along, for sure. He asked for my support, and he has it. We’re in this together. Regardless of where this leads. Bear may find that having “control over” is truly in his nature, or he may find that he just wants control to feel safe, and “control over” is not something that really works for him. Either outcome is fine. To get there, he’ll need to experience what “control over” feels like. So far he seems to like it. Yesterday, he told me he might want to pick my clothes for me, now and then.

Mistress Sky, who is helping us tremendously with D/s mentoring, told us in our last meeting with her that she doesn’t have a read yet on where Bear stands with regards to D/s, either. And then she went on to say that, although she’s only seen me for submissive training twice, she’s asked me to give myself to her both times, and I did, and hence I am a “true submissive.” I’ll leave the implications that there might be “false submissives” to the side. She also keeps telling us that “Sir and his pet are so beautiful together.”
The positive reinforcement is welcome, actually, even as I recognize it for what it is. She is sincere in what she says, and I can do with hearing that what I’m after is good and wholesome and desirable.

I’m feeling better right now than I have been in years. The daily emotional connection and daily touch fills a need, as does being the pet in a D/s relationship. I can’t rightly explain this, and – I don’t want to live in a completely equal partnership. I am so much happier when I have a partner I can give myself to. There’s a part of me still that says “you’re out of your gourd” – I am in my late 40s and quite capable, so what am I doing wanting to be someone’s pet? And I can’t deny that when I live as a submissive man, I am happy and fulfilled, and when I don’t, I am degrees of miserable.

How does that jive with me saying that whatever Bear’s truth is, I am good with it, and I want him to get to it? Simply by wanting him to feel empowered and happy, and accepting all possible outcomes for our relationship. If being Sir to my pet is not in his true nature, our relationship will change. It may, very likely, end in that case, as Bear is in no way okay with non-exclusive relationship arrangements. And if that’s what needs to happen so we can both live true to ourselves, then that will be more than okay: It’ll be necessary and good.

I do hope that’s not how this ends, of course, and that Bear is most true to himself by being dominant. That’d be amazing. Also, truthfully, the easiest way forward. A breakup after 18 years together would hurt, and might get quite messy.

On the orgasm control side of things, the daily check-ins and touchpoints help a lot. I find that I crave that positive reinforcement more than I crave orgasm. I want to hear that “good boy” from Bear at the end of the day. I’ve been edging (getting myself close to orgasm and then not coming), and yesterday, with my body wanting release oh-so-very-badly, my own voice pops into my head and says “No! No!” sharply, followed by “Be a good boy.” And I was, and stopped before I came; and when I later told Bear about it, he smiled and praised me. Ah. Bliss.

 

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I ain’t dead yet

I’ve taken a serious break from blogging. I think it’s been over a year since I wrote here. We’re still around, stuff has been happening, and I’ll try and catch the Interwebs up on what’s been going on with my relationship, and my dick.

Someone was kind enough to leave me feedback:

It’s been more than four years. Can we get a quick update? I’m a straight male, but I so enjoy reading about your dynamic. Thanks!

That dynamic really is the core of why I’ve not been blogging. I’ve been increasingly frustrated with it. It always felt like I was just not “getting enough”, and then I second-guessed myself, and so it went. Part of my issue was that I had absolutely no-one to model M/s for me, at least not the type of M/s I have in mind. The team-based, collaborative kind, not the adversarial “beat up on the slave” kind.

For the tease and denial, I kept failing every few weeks or so, having a ruined orgasm without permission, and that brought me down, too.

Negative energy all around, and something needed to change for the better.

The below is going to be the short version. I won’t retell every moment of frustration or hope here.

Mistress Sky (she’s got a web presence) released her “Unequal Partnership” book in April. I read it, and I knew that this was what I wanted. I reached out to her asking her to mentor us in D/s, and Bear said he wanted a chance to read the book first. That took us to September before he was through with it, and we started talking to Mistress Sky.

It’s been a real eye-opener for me. For the first time, I have someone who can model M/s for me, and where I can learn what a good, functioning M/s relationship can look like.

In a nutshell, the leading partner or Master or Dominant or whatever you want to call that creates a framework, “holds” the implementing partner / submissive / slave, and is particularly invested in long-term planning and constantly checking the health of the relationship.

That is, in a nutshell, not Bear. I, at this point, just want him to get to his truth. If he wants to and can be that, I’d be ecstatic. If he can’t or won’t, I’ll love him no less for it – and I’ll have to figure out how I get my needs met, then.

We’ve had one couples session so far, Bear has had one session with her, I’ve had two “submissive training” sessions with her, and we have another couples session coming up.

She had us read another book, “Building the team” by Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny. It’s a gem, really full of wonderful ideas.

Out of that came Bear telling me that he had never understood what I meant by wanting to be equal partners and having a D/s relationship, but that he got it now, and that this was part of why he had always been so reluctant to commit to D/s. Now he tells me, 18 years in, right? Oy gevalt. And, positive thoughts, hope, it can only get better from here.
Edit: I want to add to this. The “oy gevalt” comes across as me being solely on the receiving end here. And I’m not. I’ve chosen to be with Christopher for 18 years, because I had things to learn, which I learned and am learning in that relationship. And I am looking forward to how our relationship will change, even as the prospect of change can be scary.

One of the slightly jarring things that came out of my last session with Mistress Sky was her flat-out stating that she could not teach Bear how to be a Master. He is standing in his own way, and until he moves past (or blasts through or whatever) and is able to be “fully present” – her expression for engaging emotionally without reservation – she won’t be able to teach him Mastery.

We’ll continue the couples sessions with Mistress Sky though, we’re seeing our vanilla therapist again, and I’m hopeful that Bear can get to me. He is my beloved and I am his, I have no doubts about that at all. He’ll just have to let himself step in front of the mountain of fear he has erected.

I’ll probably blog a little about the concepts Mistress Sky taught me, or will teach me, in my sessions with her. I’m not sure how much of it is still going to be submissive training while we work through relationship stuff. She tells me she wants to “continue to show up for” me, and I am immensely grateful for it.

She had us watch two TED talks by Dr. Brene Brown, and I am seeing the “shame” dynamic in particular everywhere right now. In our relationship, in our relation to our kids (heartbreaking, that), in Bear’s reactions to being questioned, in my own reaction to having trouble with a difficult task or being in a group of strangers. Shame shows up and says “you are not good enough” and “who do you think you are anyway”, and while those are not new concepts to me, right now I’m at a point where I can really hear this and can make changes based on it. I highly recommend watching these. One on vulnerability, and one on shame.

One of the concrete changes I’m making is that I will be clear in wanting to establish community. I never really engaged with the local D/s or kink community, despite sending out feelers, mainly because Bear was very reluctant. I am going to change that. Community is important. I’ll always invite Bear to be part of this, and I hope he will be. We’ll be at Bound in Boston and the Spring Flea, so if you’re going to either one of those and would like to say hi and connect, please do! I’m on Fetlife as “Schnoff”.

I’ve vowed to be better at communicating my needs, in a way that doesn’t set Bear off. I’m making progress. Mistress Sky is helping us with that.

Bear has been way more engaged in relating to me as his submissive partner than he ever has been in our time together. It’s making me happy and giving me a lot of hope. I’m calling him Sir way more often in response.

On the orgasm denial side of things, I’ve asked Bear to please help me out. Being obedient is something I can do for a few weeks, and then my willpower runs out, and I have a ruined orgasm. I said that a couple paragraphs ago, didn’t I.

To my delight, this time around, he said yes. He likes the idea of a chastity device, now. I’m over the moon. Imagine being able to obey and not needing super-Schnoffan willpower for it! I reached out to Dietmar and will be ordering a Securo-Cage 2, essentially a bell for the bell-end, just as soon as I can figure out exactly what I am supposed to be measuring, here.

I think that does for a quick catch-up. Lots of stuff happening. Lots of good stuff. Also scary stuff, because this puts the exact form our relationship will take up in the air. This change is good, though. Way better than me killing the relationship in pain and confusion and fear.

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Feel the Bern

Still on our road trip, while in an AirBnB in southern CA up on a hill with an amazing view, after I had made and served breakfast, Bear had me put on the cock and ball leather harness I so like, and some see-through panties. Then he snapped some pictures, while fondling me.

When he was done with picture taking, and I was still standing in the middle of the room, he came back with a tube of masturbation cream in his hand. I liked where this seemed to be going. He had some cream in his right hand, and he hugged me with one arm while smearing it over my balls with the other. That was a little odd, he doesn’t usually go for the balls, but I didn’t think anything of it.

Then the smell hit me. Not masturbation creme. Ben Gay. The tube had just been there to throw me off.

At first, there was pleasant warmth, then heat. I liked that a lot so far. Happy moans. And then the pain started. My balls, already stretched by the leather harness, turned an angry red. Pained moans.

Then Bear pushed me down onto my knees and told me to suck his cock. I didn’t need to be told twice. I gave him pleasure the best way I know how with my lips, tongue and hands, all the while very aware of my pained, burning balls and my straining cock.

Halfway through, Bear asks me how I’d like to make him come: By masturbating him, or by sucking him off?

I thought about it for a second and came off his cock long enough to say: “I don’t know that I can answer that, Sir.”

Which was the truth. I knew that if I masturbated him, he’d like it a lot, and I’d get a chance of being teased myself. And if I sucked him off, he’d like that a lot, and my cock would probably not get any further attention. And, kneeling in front of him sucking him off felt very right.

“Okay,” Bear said. “I’ll decide when I’m closer.”

Then he started fucking my mouth, holding my head with his hands. When I’d gag, he would slow down long enough for the reflex to pass, then resume his pace. When he came, it was deep in my throat, and he pulled my face into his crotch, ignoring the gag reflex he was triggering.

I thanked him, and when he moved away, stood up again. Truth be told, I was hoping that masturbation cream would see some use yet after all. My balls had settled down a bit and were still aching and red, but no longer intensely painful. Bear was moving around the room continuing his morning routine. After a minute or so, he looked over, saw me standing there, and said “you can get dressed again.”

“Yes, Sir,” I said, looked at the untouched puddle of pre in my slit with longing, and took off the cock and ball harness and got dressed.

This scene was exciting and painful and uncomfortable while it happened, and gets hotter every time I think back on it. Bear tells me he enjoyed causing me discomfort, and he will use Ben Gay on my balls again. I can hardly wait.

 

As for the subject of this post: It was right there! I had to!

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Teasing, collar, piercing

I’m hanging in a casino, waiting for the company holiday party to start. As good a time as any to update the blog.

Bear has really taken to teasing me in the past couple months. He’s gotten frighteningly good at it. Recent accident notwithstanding, he can now usually get me close repeatedly, and keep me in a state of frazzled near-orgasmic arousal, without my needing to tell him I’m close. He says he doesn’t think about it, he just does it. Pure intuition.

I am fucking loving it. I feel connected to him, and loved, and accepted – and of course there’s the intense pleasure, that doesn’t hurt either. Though it did, that one time. I didn’t know pleasure can become so intense it’s near painful. It can.

 

Bear got me a collar a while back, which I love. It’s a simple rope dog collar with a clasp. Etsy has a gazillion people making these and Bear picked one, which I may link when I’m back home. Of course the one he picked out is far superior to all the other, nearly identical ones.

I tried wearing it to work and that sorta was okay, as dress shirts mostly hide it, but I’ve ultimately decided that wasn’t worth it. But I wear it at every other time, and to and from work. It makes me happy to be having that reminder that I am his.

I saw Thumper’s tweet about “imagine living in a world where you could wear a collar openly” and I’d argue we do. Live in that world. Sorta. At least this collar, as no one’s said a thing. Not in the grocery store, in the pub, or at work when I forgot to take it off when I’m coming in. I get the occasional look but am probably imaging it. One friend recognized it for what it was and commented, and everyone else is either oblivious or really polite.

Now, an obvious leather collar, that might be more difficult depending on where you live and what your job is. And, there’s chain, and there’s rope, and there’s jewelry. Collars are doable, is all I’m saying.

The piercing is taking its own sweet time to get to the point where it can be stretched. I tried a few times, and it really doesn’t want to. These “auto-stretch” all by themselves for many people, but that’s not been my experience. I’ll give it until January 1st and then I may grab a taper. Carefully, mind you, I’m not going to force anything. I am looking forward to getting off the 8ga. It can be a bit pinchy at times. I’m thinking 6ga should improve on that (and then 4ga, and 2ga).

May 24th for the day Bear locks a 2ga hollow barbell into my dick might not be realistic at this point. There’s no rush, I’m telling myself.

 

My attitude towards denial has shifted. Ever since Bear got me the collar and I was pierced, my obsession with “how long it has been” has lessened. My conflicting desires to be denied for longer periods, and to come right fucking now, have unconflicted (that’s a word as of right now). I just want to come right fucking now. When and whether I do is Bear’s concern, not mine.

Well that’s the theory and the attitude at this point in time, anyhow :).

 

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Violent fantasies

Trigger warning: This post is about rape fantasies.

 

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That happy subby feeling

The other night, I told Bear that getting pierced was the best thing that had happened to me in a long time.

“Why is that?” he inquired.

Because it felt like he finally accepted me for who I am, I said.

“I’ve always accepted you for who you are,” Bear said. “I think it’s more that I am now accepting my part of that, my responsibility.”

He has an excellent point. To unpack that conversation a little: The piercing is a first step. It’ll heal, and I’ll stretch it to 4ga, and then for our wedding anniversary next year, Bear will put a locking curved barbell into my dick, and he’ll take ownership of me again. Which he relinquished when our first attempt at Master/pet crashed and burned, lo these many years ago.

To me, then, this isn’t just a piercing. It’s a symbol. Bear has told me that the piercing and the jewelry in it are his. By extension, my dick belongs to him; and next year, I will belong to him. And that feels great.

I told him that I view the piercing as a piece of his will and desire that is always in me. He looked at me somewhat blankly, then joked “if I could always be in you, I would be.” I think I may have gone a little overboard with the flowery language.

I am definitely reacting to Bear’s increasing sense of dominance. It makes it easier for me to remember that he has the last say – though I still talk back plenty – and to address him as “Sir” in the appropriate context. And I am hoping that this, in turn, makes it easier for him to show his dominant side, that we have the beginnings of a positive feedback loop here.

However our relationship evolves, you know I’ll be blogging about it here.

This Saturday, Bear started teasing me again. Very lightly, just running a fingertip along the underside of my cock or the edges, or touching a fingertip to the piercing. This is intensely pleasurable, and I get vocal and loud when he does that. Until he reminds me our son is in the house and I should keep it down.

I am happy he’s comfortable teasing me again. I crave more, I want him to wrap my cock in his hand and stroke me. He is waiting until the piercing has had more time to heal. I want to be patient, and I am. I was debating whether I should tell him about the cravings I feel, and decided it was better for me to tell him, and tell him that I want to be patient and this is not to be understood as me pestering him. He told me he wants to know what I feel.

The piercing feels healed at this point, though being careful with it is definitely still the order of the day. It’s been a bit over 2 weeks since it went in.

Bear has had 3 orgasms in the past 4 days, which is quite unusual for him. He doesn’t often have that much sexual appetite. I am enjoying it thoroughly.

 

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