Don’t stroke today

Early this year, up until the first week of February, I did not hold to my agreement with Bear. I’d stroke myself, giving in to a yearning for pleasure. And I’d tell myself I’d be fine, I wouldn’t ejaculate. And of course I did. Regardless of how clever I thought I was or how well I thought I could judge my excitement, I’d eventually go too far, take my hands away, and then 10 seconds later or so,  my cock would start pumping and there’d be a puddle. That must have happened three times in that short time.

And worse, I didn’t tell Bear about this, because I dreaded his response: That he felt disappointed in me. That’s the nuclear option of punishments, that is. There’s nothing I can do to redeem myself, and it feels awful.

Not that it gets any better by keeping him in the dark, but tell that to my brain.

I was so so tired of this pattern. I do well, I think I have myself in hand finally, Bear can be proud of me, and then, well, then it turns out I don’t have nearly as much self-control as I thought I had. And it feels like I’m back to square one. Though I know it’s not square one, it’s all part and parcel of learning.

At that point I had the idea to break  down the enormous, daunting task of obeying Bear for months and years, to just one day: Don’t stroke today. I even created it as a recurring task in Wunderlist. It felt good ticking it off every night.

I eventually did tell Bear about my lapses. He was not amused, as you might imagine. Even less about the fact that I hadn’t told him, and worse, had started playing word games: “The last time you let me orgasm was 15 weeks ago, Sir.” It was the praise I received for that statement that finally got me to see what I was doing, and to come clean.

We did talk about the emotional impact of his disappointment, and how my dread of that played into my silence. Not that that’s an excuse for my staying silent.

I kvetched that it wasn’t fair that half a year of obedience would be wiped out, in his view, by one moment of disobedience. But then, as I told him a day or so later after reflection, not fair is part and parcel of our dynamic. He has every right to not be fair.

During that discussion, Bear said, with incredulity in his voice: “But I just let you come!”

I gave a little laugh. “Yeah, 6 weeks ago.”

“That’s what I said,” Bear said. “That’s just.”

I mumbled something.

“Do you disagree?” Bear asked.

“No, Sir, I don’t disagree,” I said.

In retrospect, that moment was insanely hot.

In my frustration at not getting a handle on obedience, I asked, somewhat plaintively, if we couldn’t use a device sometimes. When I’m having a particularly rough time of it, say.

“I worry that’d let you off the hook,” Bear said. “You could just rely on the device, and not need to be obedient any more.”

He has an excellent point.

The “don’t stroke today” task worked well for a few months. At which point I, again, came without permission, about 6 weeks after Bear let me come. So, it didn’t work any better or any longer than anything else I’ve tried.

Bear has, quite possibly, let me off the hook after all. About 5 weeks ago he told me: “I’ve thought about it, and I want you to use the prostate toy you have to ejaculate. For health reasons. I don’t want our play to cause issues with your prostate. I used to think I didn’t want you doing that, because I’d no longer control your orgasms. But thinking on it, I still control your orgasm if I order you to do this. Even if I’m not present.”

I’ve managed to do that once, so far. I took 50 minutes of tapping my prostate with a “Pure” toy by NJoy. I ejaculated, while limp. It’s an odd sensation. Bear wants me to ejaculate every one to two weeks that way, and so far, I haven’t been able to do that again. I’ve given up in exhaustion after an hour and a half a few times.

I think that ejaculating that way may just reduce the urge to come enough that I won’t have my reptile brain taking over again. That’s why I say he may just let me off the hook after all.

 

In thinking about all this – the obedience, the disobedience, my constant struggle to turn the latter into the former – I realized that I have two (mostly unconscious) core beliefs that make this task infinitely harder:

“Failure is bad.”
“I am not good enough.”

I’ll sit with that. Be mindful of it, as it were. Disbelieving those statements can only be good, in all areas of life.

 

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