In a discussion over on fetlife, someone said this to me:
To be honest I’m smiling both at the patience and nurture of your master and also at you failing, even willfully, cause I’ve been there too.
That sounded real good. Only, that Bear is not my Master and I am not his pet. I shared that snippet with him and asked him where he stood these days with being my Master. I had to bug him a bit to get an answer, and what I got was “I am not ready.”
Which made me sad. I thought about that sadness for a bit, and discussed it with Bear. The reason I am sad is that I feel that Bear is not fully committing to me. Intellectually, I get what he is saying and I agree. In my heart, I am sad about it. It’s a feeling he knows well, it was my stance towards him after our first failed attempt at D/s.
The reason he is not ready to make that commitment and promise, he says, is that he is afraid he will not live up to his end of the bargain, that he’ll forget to do things he said he’d do. He is afraid of hurting me. He is aware of the Catch-22 in that statement.
What Bear suggested we do right now is that I remind him of things he said he’d do. “A light version,” he called it.
We also discussed what ownership meant to each of us. Bear said he thought he’d be “more demanding” of me as my Master. I told him I think he’d have more say over my behavior if I am his pet.
“If things progress as they do now, maybe sometime in the future you’ll get just what you are hoping for,” Bear said. That’s a lot of qualifiers. As long as I draw breath, I hope: And still, that’s a lot of qualifiers.