Gratitude

For our wedding anniversary, with Bear feeling sufficiently recovered, I got to suck his cock. Which I hadn’t done in about a month, so I was eager indeed.

I started by placing kisses on the ridge, the shaft, the cock-head, all over, then took him into my mouth. Bear took some baby oil and started stroking my cock in turn, making me moan around him. I sucked and licked and stroked with my mouth, he stroked me with his hand. I had not come for about 5 weeks at that point. At first, what I felt was to equal measure intense pleasure and intense frustration. I wanted to come so, so bad.

And as we continued giving pleasure to each other, and Bear placed his free hand on my neck, holding me in place as he started fucking my mouth, I could feel that frustration slipping, sliding, and turning on its head to become sheer gratitude: A feeling that spreads through my entire body and leaves me happy, still horny and straining, yet entirely content to be where I am right now, receiving and giving pleasure in the moment. With no need to come.

I fucking love that moment when desperation becomes gratitude, and when I can focus on giving Bear pleasure without being distracted by my own need to come.

Bear came in my mouth, and after I thought I had cleaned him up, he pointed to a small spot of cum forming at his tip, saying “you missed some.” I lapped that up, too, and loved him for accepting me as I was in that moment: Deeply submissive.

He continued stroking me for a bit, then got tired of that and told me to finish myself off. I would have liked to keep teasing myself, but when I asked, Bear said that he’d prefer I came immediately. So I did. Which still feels strange to me:  Before we started medium-term denial, it would take me 10 to 20 minutes to get myself off; and Bear didn’t stand a chance. Now I can come in a matter of minutes – or immediately when sufficiently teased.

 

When Bear first told me that he considered 2 to 8 weeks of denial a medium length of time, and anything past that long, I had to adjust my reality. I thought 3 weeks was long. By now, the way I feel has caught up. What we are doing now, which is 5-7 weeks at a time, doesn’t feel long.

Right now, Bear likes “special days” like anniversaries, birthdays, holidays to let me come. With just enough unpredictability so I can never know exactly when I’d come. For example, he did allow me an orgasm for New Year’s Day – two weeks after New Year’s Day, when he felt like it. Which means I’ll have another 7 weeks to go, unless he decides to wait for his own birthday in October.

And while not obsessing about when I’ll be allowed another orgasm would be very submissive and focused on Bear, I can’t help it. I count the weeks. I count the days. Happily, Bear doesn’t mind. He’s amused by it.

 

Yay!(0)Meh(0)

3 thoughts on “Gratitude”

  1. >For example, he did allow me an orgasm for New Year’s Day – two weeks after New Year’s Day

    Did you make a mistake? 🙂 Great blog btw, I don't have much to contribute, but I like reading it.

    Yay!(1)Meh(0)
    1. I didn't make a mistake. He changed his mind. It drives home the fact that he controls when I come, and I have no expectation of orgasm. And boy do I get off on that, metaphorically speaking. He had announced I'd be allowed an orgasm on New Year's Day, and then he changed his mind. He told me he had changed his mind and he'd let me come "sometime soon", and I said "Yes, Bear" (well actually his name, but you get the idea), and then I didn't pester him. Eventually, about two weeks later, he told me to come, and I didn't know that was going to happen until the moment he told me, when he had already teased me close to orgasm several times.

      I LOVE not knowing. That is, because of his "holidays and special days" pattern, I have a general idea. But he might change his mind, have me come in between for no reason other than he wants to, or delay because he wants to. Because I am unlocked, he caresses and teases me frequently. Most of the time when he gets me close to orgasm, I don't come. I stay horny and thank him for it. Which feeds, powerfully, into the "not knowing." It's hard to figure out by Bear's behavior whether he intends to let me come or not, and I am trying not to focus on that too much. Trying, I say. Failing mostly, really.
      Do I obsess about how long it's been and when I might come again? Truthfully, yes. I am not serene. And I get so very hard every time he says "hmm ... too soon I think" or "not quite yet, maybe in a little while." And I never ever beg for an orgasm. I ask to be allowed to kiss his cock, or to be allowed to get him off, or to be fucked, or to be bound, and a myriad other things that give him and me pleasure. But never for my own orgasm. That's his decision - I come when he sees fit. "Accidentally" reaming my ass with a prostate toy and then coming without permission notwithstanding. No dog is perfect.

      Yay!(0)Meh(0)

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