I’m looking back to the last 8+ months of denial, and what we both learned, as prompted by a post on Fetlife.
Before I get to that, a surgery update: The excess scar tissue (pic at the bottom of that post) that has been bothering me for a half year or longer is gone. I was really worried that my piercing would close down after surgery, and it did. Right down to 6ga, like an angry fist. 9 days after surgery I decided I could insert jewelry again, starting with 6ga, one step above the size I was originally pierced at. It took only 5 days to come back to 0.5ga (that’s what’s in the “Four months” picture), with some pain for a few hours on the stretch back up to 2ga and 0ga, and zero pain or even effort to get to 0.5ga – that slid right back in. 2 days after that, 00ga “slid right back in”. Now 00ga is heavy steel, and 0.5ga is light Titanium. I’ll play this by ear, and go back to 0.5ga if the move to steel was to soon. I do want my dick to heal well from surgery.
Side note: Saline wound wash is amazing, use it, even when it’s not in the hospital discharge instructions.
And by the by: If you’re even just considering getting your dick pierced, do it. Best. Thing. Ever.
So. 8 months and counting, 1 year of tease and denial on May 18th. What can I say about that?
I learned quite a bit.
Positive reinforcement works best to change my behavior, though it can take a very long time to “stick”.
I really really can’t edge myself. If I do, I will eventually come – after 6 weeks, after 2, after 14, but come I will. Being edged is fine; edging myself, no way, not for any length of time.
I get happier the longer this denial lasts. It’s becoming a part of my sexual identity, along the lines of “I am someone who is edged and denied, I don’t masturbate or orgasm. That is for other people.” That conviction also makes this easier. I have “blinders” as it were when it comes to getting myself off. I am becoming convinced that that’s just not who I am, so it’s not a temptation.
I do need frequent genital pleasure. Which in our case comes in the form of being edged while we have sex. Once a week is okay, twice a week is better. Without it, I feel lonely; with it, I feel loved and grateful.
I learned that going this long without orgasm “on the honor system” deepened Bear’s trust in me. He is now okay with adding toys (a chastity cage, maybe an automated edger) to this play, in fact is looking forward to it, where previously he was opposed, because chastity cages make it “too easy”. Now that he trusts that I can stay away from making myself come for months, he likes the idea of seeing me in a cage.
I learned that being apart from Bear for a week is the time that it is most difficult to stay with denial, that temptation may creep back in.
The greatest challenge was getting to where I could be denied this long. It took us roughly 5 years of trial and error to find a method of behavior modification that worked. A lot of that is trial, including negative reinforcement, and error, finding that didn’t lead anywhere good. Once we went to positive reinforcement and daily check in and affirmation, it took – I don’t even know. A year or so for the behavior to change sufficiently to where I could credibly ask for long term denial.
That said, there were other challenges along the way. I really struggled in December, and it was towards the end of December that I started to be at peace with being denied for this long. I find I am now rewriting this history in my mind, because I am so excited for permanent denial right now. That rewriting is likely what may make it possible for me to be denied for over a year: I’ll think of myself as someone who is denied and grateful for it, and who grew smoothly into being that way, even as I definitely did struggle along the way.
So where do we go from here? Would I “go this long again”? Where does it all end?
Well I’m not at the end of this period of denial by a long stretch, or so I hope. I hope Bear will grant my request to extend throughout 2020 and make it 1.5 to 2 years. After that, I don’t know. Play it by ear. I am keen that he doesn’t feel deprived of my orgasm in any way, it can be fun to see your partner come, and I’d want reassurance that he is enjoying seeing and hearing me squirm when he edges me just as much. As long as he’s on board, “until further notice”, that is, “permanent with the option for my owner to change his mind at any time”, is a really hot thought.