Failure attitudes are a thing around here. My attitude is “I haven’t failed, I just found 1,000 ways that don’t work.” Bear’s attitude is a bit harsher. He’s working on that. Heh.
We’re some 4 years – is that right? – into orgasm denial without a device, and I keep coming when I’m not supposed to. In that time, though, there’s been progress. I learned not to use toys in my ass when playing with my dick, because, well, it seems obvious in hindsight. As does a lot of stuff.
I learned to let go of the idea that I was due an orgasm. I’m not. I don’t need to come, really.
I learned to stop obsessing about how long it’s been. I used to know to the day; now I need to check my Dorky Orgasm Tracker to find out.
I got better and better at edging and not coming, but, ultimately, not good enough.
And then, about a week ago, something that I had read about many times finally clicked: Willpower is finite. The best way to avoid giving in to temptation is to remove temptation.
We still don’t use a device. And even when the one we’re getting from Steelworxx arrives, it still won’t be used on a regular basis. Removing temptation by removing the dick is right out.
Removing temptation by an order not to stroke at all doesn’t work, either. We tried that. I get resentful. And eventually I disobey and come anyway. There’s that finite willpower thing again.
If I will stroke myself, and I keep coming without permission, eventually, even if after weeks or months, when I get close – well then the solution would be not to come close. Seems so obvious all of a sudden. If I don’t need to come, I also don’t need to come close. At least not by my own hand.
What we’re trying right now is modifying a few decades of masturbatory habit. Instead of stroking until I am close and then stopping – edging – I stroke until I am close to being close, if that makes sense. And then wait for at least 30 minutes. If I actually do get close, that’s it for the day. Oh, and there’s a limit to how often I can stroke per day. Determined by a die, the sheer nerdery of it all.
So far so good. I don’t feel resentful, I feel grateful. I get to indulge in the fantasy of being “perpetually aroused”, which I’ve had since I was a teen, and which Michael Manning explores so wonderfully. I’ve had a few days where I’ve been crawl-up-the-walls horny, the kind of day that would have resulted in ejaculation before, and all that happened is that I “almost came close”, instead of “almost came”.
I’ll know in a few weeks whether this approach is helpful. And if I’m very lucky, in a few months that it worked – but I am completely open to the outcome of “needs more tweaks”.
“I don’t need to come, really.”
Nope. I didn’t understand that at all at the beginning. I assumed the need to come would grow infinitely and forever until relieved or I combusted and, to an extent, that’s how it *felt* for a long time, but that’s not how it works at all. Coming is totally optional. Once you get the addiction to the orgasm hormones under control, you realize that.
“I learned to stop obsessing about how long it’s been.”
Yep. I track it just to know, but I too have learned to let go of obsessing over how long it’s been and hoping it’s longer and longer (or never). That’s a critical part of accepting you don’t control it, I think.
“I got better and better at edging and not coming…”
I’m *super* good at knowing where the line is now. Like Neo during bullet time kind of able to dodge coming. Ironically, my ability to stroke or fuck before feeling an orgasm is super short, but I totally know where it is and can back off when I need to.
“Willpower is finite.”
Indeed. I have more to say about that, but I’m still formulating. Bottom line, for me, a device is required. But I think our situations are different, too. I don’t get to touch it or play with it at all and, if it wasn’t secured, I’d lose my mind keeping my hands off.
It’s so interesting, the different situations we are all in.
My Masters are not at all interested in chastity. That is a fantasy that I have, but the Masters don’t give two fuck’s about it. When we first got together, they knew I had a thing for it, and were willing to indulge me (which is why I love them) but when I asked if THEY were into it, they said, “well, not really.”
So I politely stated that I was there to serve THEIR needs. Not mine. So the whole chastity thing was dropped.
It’s still a fantasy for me. Ironically, I jerk off thinking about being locked in chastity by my Masters. There’s no guilt because they don’t care.
It’s an odd situation, but it works for us. I think everyone needs to realize: we don’t have to fit into a cookie cutter. Even in kink circles.
It’s so cool to read about all y’alls experience. I love it. Thank you all, for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your situation! I like that you made it about your Masters. It says good things about your character.
I think the irony you describe is super-common. In hetero circles, one of the things I see written about over and over is the guy asking his partner to keep him in chastity. She does, and he gets moody and frustrated and just an all-around ass because he’s not getting his orgasm fix. At which point she goes “I was doing this for you – if you’re going to be a dick about your dick, the deal’s off”.
A lot of guys fantasize about not being allowed to come – so hawt! But the reality, and the work that goes into accepting to live that way, to give up the idea that an orgasm can be had any time, for guys who jacked off most of their lives: That’s too much for, probably, the majority.
As for the cookie cutter: Don’t get me started. Oy gevalt, the nerve of people, to demand conformity to arbitrary sex rules in a community centered around the idea of busting conformity! I could rant. But I won’t. 🙂
I am so with you on the control part. Bear is in charge, and that means I come as often and when he wants me to. A few times every week? A few times every year? I may have some head cinema about which gets me more excited, but that’s not up to me. It’s up to him. I count myself lucky that so far, he’s preferred my orgasms to be frequent but not super-frequent – every six to seven weeks or so.
You’re right that “not touching it at all” would require a device, for me as well. I just can’t. Can’t even, even. That might not be written in stone: Sky says she knows quite a bit about orgasm denial, and I know she’s into hypnosis and behavior modification. Head games, not devices. So there may be a way. I’ll be sure to report here what I learn.
I like how you state “come close to coming close”. I’ve discovered that fairly quickly. It’s a cool trick, and it helps take the edge off while staying honorable.
For me the problem is not that I get horney so much (though I do, I really enjoy that so it’s something I welcome rather than avoid) as it is getting emotional about something. Masturbation is a huge tension tamer and stress relative. It also helps bury feelings I don’t want to have about situations. So to get those happy endorphins going is a necessity. But only if I run out of coping skills or can’t solve a problem that’s really getting to me at an emotional level..
Did you every notice what you were feeling or thinking right before and during masturbation? What happened to those thoughts and feelings afterwords? How has any of it changed as you’ve grown used to not stroking?
Thankfully, I can’t really get off without toys. So I’ve wrapped them in a bag and wrapped that in ductape. I can’t imagine trying to not cum if I could get off with Just my hand!!
Yeah, so as you say, this modification didn’t work either – I had to stop stroking myself so I wouldn’t (eventually) come. And, I think I had to get to that point gradually, really understand that if I stroke, I’ll come – after 2 weeks, after 6, after 14, but eventually I will – so I’m better off not stroking.
Before and during masturbation, I had feelings of overwhelming desire for genital pleasure. Particularly during, I just wanted another moment of bliss, another moment of not quite getting there – yup, with predictable results. I learned that when I fantasize about going months or a year without orgasm, while masturbating, that’s a really good predictor for an orgasm. Ironic, really – fantasize about not coming, and promptly come.
Afterwards depends. If I didn’t come, I’d feel proud, and enjoy the sexual frustration from tease and denial. If I did come, I’d feel like shit, and berate myself. There goes all the effort of the past weeks!
Since I’ve gotten used to not stroking, a few things have changed.
I no longer am so obsessed with giving myself an edge – since I won’t, I can focus on other things. The desire for an edge could interfere with work, at times.
The feelings of gratitude when Bear gets me close and denies me have intensified. And, I really am keen to do what I can on my end to make sure Bear is relaxed and feels happy and sexy and has sex with me once or twice a week. Going weeks without coming close can be rough.
I am proud of going on 9 months without orgasm (*), and mortified of fucking that up. That, as much as anything, keeps me from trying to get myself close.
My fantasies of being denied for a year, or two years, or even longer, seem more realistic now. I can see a path to that, both for Bear and for myself.
Because I no longer make myself come, Bear feels more trusting. That means he’s now fine with using a cage as a sex toy, which I am looking forward to; and he’s fine with me experimenting with an “auto-edger” device – eventually, when we both think that the inevitable “accidental” or “fine-tuning” orgasms when playing with such a toy are okay.
I envy you for being unable to come without a toy. The idea of being able to stroke myself but unable to make myself come that way is hot indeed. Then again, I’m not sure I’d still get work done, so maybe it’s for the best I can’t do that :).
(*) For some value of “without orgasm”. I’ve had one involuntary nocturnal emission during that time. Those can’t be avoided, though I am still to try and stop them – which I tried, which hurt – and so while a nocturnal emission is technically an orgasm, I discount it for purposes of kinking on “how long it’s been”.
ALL of what you said rings a similar bell for me! Especially, “The desire for an edge could interfere with work, at times.
The feelings of gratitude when Bear gets me close and denies me have intensified.”. I spent more time watching porn on my phone and fantasizing about kink in all the dark corners of my old building, than actually working. I would be so preoccupied with edging and finally orgasm, that I’d stay up way past my 11 pm bedtime, just masturbating. Then try again in the morning, making me late for everything!
I understand the empty disjointed feeling after some orgasms. I gem that way too and it leads to being short tempered, irritated and unhealthy with myself and everything around me.