It’s okay to hurt the one you love

A fitting end to the year. December was a jumble, an out-of-kilter month, a month for stubbing toes and then untangling and setting things where they wanted to be.

It started with stroking myself when I knew that was wrong. And so we changed a few things, you can read those there.

When I helped Bear with some computer trouble, I got impatient with him, as I do. He’s a help desk tech by trade, and I get into “you should know better” and “you’re doing it wrong” mode when he struggles with troubleshooting his own machine. Not, not helpful. I’ll watch that. I’ll tend to his PC, and I’ll offer to teach along the way. I’m quite sure my impatience isn’t gone. Still, that boil needed lanced.

We’ve become a little bit more formal. In the mornings, I great Bear now with “Good morning, Sir,” and I kneel on the floor when I’m awaiting his pleasure. Before, I didn’t quite know what to do with myself – I’d stand, or sit on the bed, or just fidget. Kneeling is good. And he likes it.

I won a bet! Some game implemented a feature that Bear said they wouldn’t for a year, and so I won the bet. If I won, I could give him head for a month whenever I wanted. If he won, I’d have to not talk back to him at all for a month. Those were the terms he had set when we made the bet.
Well I won. We’ll never have to find out whether I’d have been able to uphold my end of the bargain. Bear then decides that he doesn’t like losing control like that. So, change of reward: I can suck him off if I can get him in the mood first. Needless to say, there’s not been much of a change in sucking-off frequency. That right there, I think, is a perfect example of what a D/s dynamic is like. It’s inherently unfair, and at the same time so very right for both sides.

Around the end of the year, I got a bit frantic. Bear had promised bondage, and it was the last day during our holiday break that this could happen, and I asked him about his plans for the day, and he said he had none. And I got upset. And then he got upset, at feeling pressured and not trusted, and said he had thought about bondage, but now he didn’t really feel like it any more.

And we talked it over. I pleaded to be given a chance to obey. I told Bear I needed to feel desired, as his submissive as much as any other aspect of my person. And that (re)building trust that he’ll do as he promised will take time. To please give me commands more often. And to let me know when he’s thinking of kinky play, so I can feel that desire.

Bear told me he still felt guilty for wanting to hurt me, that a good person didn’t do such things. I told him I knew he doesn’t want to harm me, and although I have no experience with pain whatsoever, I’m willing to be hurt if that arouses him. And I encouraged him to talk to a rigger acquaintance of ours, who happens to be both a wonderful human being and a sadistic bastard. They did talk, and Bear was encouraged to reach out to others, and we’ll see where that leads. To good things I’m thinking.

So that was a mess. I was a mess. And Bear did decide to bind me, after all, which was fun for both of us.

Since then, Bear has been giving me small commands more often, things like “get me a drink” or “go to the store and get eggs.” Sometimes I obey right away, sometimes I need to get over a momentary “but I’m comfy!” response. It’s been good for me, and I know Bear enjoys it, too.

I shared an article with Bear that had been posted over on Fetlife, a thoughtful piece on things a dominant partner might need. It’s been a good catalyst for discussion, though a lot of the items on that list just don’t apply to us.

So that’s where we are. I work on obedience. Bear works on allowing himself his desires. And if those things come together well, 2015 should be a lovely year.