Lessons

I have been avoiding this entry something fierce.

About seven weeks ago, and at the time seven weeks into denial, I came without permission. I had been playing with my NJoy Pure Wand. Which I had bought for “milking” and prostate health, but really was using that day for pure enjoyment. Bear had bought a dress mirror for the bedroom a while ago, and I was using it to see the toy enter my ass, and enjoy the sight of my swollen cock. I played with the toy for a while, not having much success with the “milking” part, and then shoved it deep inside me. Past the prostate and past the pretense of doing anything but pleasuring myself. I got raging hard in a hurry, and squeezed the skin at the top of my cock head with my thumb and the knuckle of my index finger. I could feel tension in my balls and intense pleasure at the underside of my cock. So intense I know I’d come if I continued, so I laid off, breathed deeply, and hoped I’d back off the edge. And I did, for about 10 seconds, panting and hoping I’d dodged a bullet. I hadn’t. With my hands still at my side, I could feel an orgasm building, and came in three, four squirts on my belly.

My first reaction was dismay. We’ve had a rough start to our year. Our dog had just died, Bear’s mother was in the hospital, he was not feeling well health-wise. And I had to go and drop this on him, too. Like he didn’t have enough to deal with and needed a disobedient husband on top of it all.

When I told Bear, he took it calmly. He listened to my description of what had happened, and then said “You cheated”. But no, I protested, what do you mean I cheated? “When you squeezed the top of your cock, that tugged on the skin underneath. You’re not supposed to do that.” But … okay, he’s right. I cheated. “New rules,” he declared. No squeezing on top of the cock. Nothing that tugs at the skin of the frenum. “You bought that thing for health reasons,” he said. “You don’t need to touch your cock when you use it.” Aye. He’s right. I didn’t use it for health reasons.

About a week after that, Bear allowed me a full orgasm. And you’d think that would be that, and I am sure for him, it is. For me, it’s been bugging me ever since. I don’t think I’ll be fully “over it” until I’ve proven to myself that I can be obedient well beyond the 8 week mark. I might just get the chance to prove that. My eight-ball says it might be another 5 weeks before I am allowed another orgasm, maybe longer.

I am coming around to the idea that failure is a necessary part of success. I had been obedient since we started in August, and I am upset that I can’t say that any more. At the same time, coming without permission led to growth: I was cheating and kidding myself about it, and that had to come to a head eventually. I was forced to look at what I was doing with less self-deception. That’s a good thing.