I got to emailing with a member on Fetlife about my experiences with chastity over a distance. With her permission, I am posting that exchange here.
What occurred to me after that exchange, because I am slow like that, is that “long distance” is convenient short-hand that really needs to be unpacked to understand where someone is at in their relationship and play. In our case, we were long distance on opposite sides of an ocean, and saw each other every 6 months. And “long distance” can also be a relationship on opposite sides of a city, with a one or two hour ride between. Or anything really that’s not “right next to each other”.
Which is to say: If you want to try chastity over a distance, go for it. Your experience will vary from mine.
I’m pretty new to all this so if you don’t mind I would really love to hear from someone who’s tried the long distance thing, even though it didn’t work for you, if you don’t mind. What were the issues that came up?
Really, what happened was simple, and predictable.
For starters, to put this into context, I was touch-starved at the time. I hadn’t had a live-in relationship ever, a minimum of sex, and I was 28. So, the “sad geek” factor had a lot to do with it :).
I wasn’t happy with being horny, and not allowed to come, and not receiving any physical attention on top of it. For me, touch and tease is vital: It let’s me know that I am loved, beyond rational thought, on a purely “body” level.
Since I wasn’t getting that, and I couldn’t give myself release through orgasm, I was growing resentful.
When I did, inevitably, come without permission, my partner became discouraged and disappointed. So he didn’t get a warm and fuzzy out of it either, and he grew resentful: He needs to be obeyed.
There was no way this was ever going to work long distance. Well, that, and there was a lot of other stuff too that didn’t work in the relationship, which could not possibly be figured out until we lived together. We’re still figuring some of it out, 14 years later. It’s definitely much better, and we both enjoy tease&denial play now.
We started this back up a bit over a year ago. For about a year, it sort of worked – I’d still come without permission maybe once a month or so, and that bothered Bear more than he let on. What finally worked, and this, too, is entirely personal and may not translate, is that I figured out that it is very hard, to the point of “almost impossible” for me to come without direct stimulation of the frenum. Once I knew that, I could modify my behavior: Yes, play with my dick, but leave the frenum alone.
I figured that out in August, and orgasm control has been working well for us ever since. I used to come about every 10 days (with permission), now it’s about every 3 to 6 weeks. Bear seems to want these longer periods, and now that he can be confident that I will obey, we’re both happy with the arrangement.
There are so many variables here that are specific to just the way Bear and I live our relationship. Starting with the fact that we both kink on obedience, not direct control, so that our way of enjoying this kink is deviceless. “With device” is going to be different. Though feelings of resentment in the absence of teasing are common, I am told.
I completely understand what you mean about the ‘touch-starved’ feeling and I can see how chastity, combined with that, could be a bad time. It was actually my boy who suggested denial, so I’m hoping it’ll work out, but if it doesn’t I’m not going to be angry with him, right now it’s just something we’re trying out.
I’m glad you guys managed to figure something out, I think what I need to take away from this is that it’s important to make him feel appreciated physically even when he’s locked up.
What I am reading
Hard-wired differences in the brains of men and women. A note of caution: This is one study, with 950 participants. We know connections between neurons change with experience. This experiment does not establish causality: Is the behavior shaped by the connections, or are the connections shaped by the behavior? Nature vs. Nurture, and the answer may well be that there’s a feedback loop here somewhere. Living things seem to thrive on feedback loops. http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/the-hardwired-difference-between-male-and-female-brains-could-explain-why-men-are-better-at-map-reading-8978248.html
Research that shows that memories can be passed on genetically. Not through DNA itself, but through the “sheath” around DNA that controls gene expression. The results are more specific than anything seen before: A fear of the smell of cherry blossoms was passed on to the offspring of mice. More research needed, for sure – and a fascinating start. http://www.spring.org.uk/2013/12/fearful-memories-passed-between-generations-through-genetic-code.php