Yesterday, Bear and I sat down and talked about ownership, as we do every so often. Bear’s been nervous about the idea of owning me ever since our first attempt at Master/pet crashed and burned. I still want to be owned: That I am not is an ongoing source of sadness for me.
I had just read a post by the excellent Tom Allen about negotiation in a relationship: In a nutshell, ask for the core of what you want, and leave the fully-developed fantasy at the door.
So I did that. I said to Bear I liked what he had written in a comment on the previous post, that it is important to him to know that I truly desire to be his and to be under his restrictions.
“I do truly desire to be yours and to be under your restriction,” I say. “And I know you are nervous about owning me.” He nods. “So how about this: It doesn’t have to be a big thing. Just tell me you own me. It doesn’t change anything about our dynamic, about what we do day-to-day.” I pause. “Sure,” I say, “I’m fantasizing about being marked by you. But that’s not core. Core is that you own me.”
“I like that,” Bear says. And he goes on to explain that he’s been worried that owning me would mean big changes to our relationship. “I like that a lot,” he says.
Very cool. This is the most engaged I’ve seen Bear on that topic. We’re negotiating, the way you do in a relationship, and I’m elated.
I ask Bear how he likes the idea of a PA piercing, which we’ve been tossing back and forth for a while. “I think I like it,” Bear says.
Bear remarks that there were so many unspoken expectations before, on my part and on his part, when we first tried ownership. And that it was those unspoken expectations that led to all the hurt.
“We’ve grown as people,” I say. “I don’t see us making the same mistakes again. And I don’t think anything has to change,” I say. “We’ve been together so long and we have a routine, I expect that’ll continue. I just really want to be owned by you, and to be marked as yours.”
Bear tells me hearing me say that makes his heart flutter, in a good way. “It’s the ultimate commitment,” he says.
So I speak about commitment for a bit. That I am looking for that commitment from him, as well. Have been for the longest time. “I know you’re completely committed to me as my husband and partner,” I say. “I am looking for you to be that committed as my Dominant.”
We talk back and forth a while longer. He says he could see owning me again, maybe have another collaring ceremony. I tell him I’d love that, and that to me, a ceremony is welcome but optional.
And then I’m forward again, and I say: “I think you’re about as comfortable with this idea as you’re going to get.” Because Bear still looks a little nervous. He nods and agrees. “So how about we set a date,” I say. “Pencil something in. We’ll keep talking, and if it doesn’t feel right, we’ll reconsider.”
Bear gives a little laugh. But he’s game. “A date,” he says. “Like, how …”
“I don’t know,” I say. “What do you think? What’s a good date?”
“Well, our anniversary is already past …,” Bear says.
“That’d work,” I say. “That’s ten months from now. We can do the anniversary if you like that date.”
Bear expresses surprise that I’m considering a date that far out.
I ask him whether he really likes the idea of using the anniversary. He does, no doubt. “I’ve been waiting 15 years,” I say. “Another 10 months is not going to make a difference.”
“I never really thought about it in those timelines,” Bear says.
I bring up the PA again, and a locking barbell that Drew came up with. Which, incidentally, is so so hot. Pure genius in its simplicity. Bear’s on board. So we are agreed: Bear will take ownership of me on May 24th, and he’ll lock a barbell into me as a symbol of his ownership. And we’ll keep checking in and make sure that continues to feel right.
While we’re negotiating, I tell Bear I’m confused about when to use the honorific “Sir.”
“I never really know when the right time is to call you ‘Sir’,” I say. “It’s confusing. We’re equal partners but we’re also not.”
Bear nods. He tells me a bit more “Sir” would be good.
“All right,” I say. “So, when do I call you ‘Sir’?”
He doesn’t really know.
“You can help me there,” I say. “When it comes up in the moment, when you feel you would have liked for me to have called you ‘Sir’, tell me. So I have something to go by.”
Bear agrees. A couple moments go by, then he says “That would have been a good time to use the word ‘Sir’. When you asked me to tell you when to call me ‘Sir’.”
“Oh,” I say. “So when I ask you something, you want me to call you ‘Sir’?”
Bear nods. “When you ask me something in a BDSM context, yes. Or when we’re talking about BDSM.”
“Yes, Sir,” I say. He smiles. “So if I get this right – you want me to call you ‘Sir’ when we’re talking about BDSM or sex. Is that right, Sir?”
Yes, he says. Then he tells me to go manicure his nails. Which I do, happily, and still sporting the erection I’ve had all through our discussion. He hasn’t touched it or shown much interest and that, too, is good in that moment.
Later that day, he gets the giggles. I sound like Marcie in the peanuts, he says. “I’m glad I amuse you, Sir,” I say. That makes the giggles worse. Life is good.