Communication. It’s easy to call for it, I tell myself I’m great at it, until I find my insecurities got in the way.
I don’t want to “bother” Bear. Left to my own desires, I’d have kinky play and sex daily, and I don’t want to be a pest. So, when I feel lonely or frustrated, I am more likely to leave Bear to whatever he is doing than speak up. Sometime November, Bear asked me about a bottle of wine I had finished the previous evening, while watching some MASH with him. I thought about it for a moment, and told him it was self-medication. He had been playing a video game, I had felt lonely that day, but did not want to bother him.
Bear wasn’t happy with that, though understanding, and ordered me to tell him when I was lonely.
Fast forward to early December. We’ve just come back from 5 days of in-laws over Thanksgiving, and I am going away for 5 days of training. Not a lot of time for intimacy, though we did make a little time. The last night away, I felt unbearably frustrated. I wanted to stroke myself so, so badly. Bear, when I texted him a “whatcha doing” texted back that he was playing a video game. So, again with the “not bothering.” I didn’t feel lonely, after all, just really horny and frustrated.
Which led to me blatantly disregarding Bear’s express command, and stroking myself in the shower the next morning. The mind is amazing at rationalizing just about anything. With predictable results: I didn’t stop in time, and while I managed to avoid orgasm, I did dribble a few droplets of come.
Thumper’s not wrong when he comments that there isn’t enough willpower to avoid this kind of thing, and that devices exist for a reason.
When I told Bear about it, he was, in his words, “unhappy” that I had disobeyed him. As a result, for now, he does not want to put his collar on me, and I miss it.
In both of these cases, what was missing was communication: Me telling Bear how I felt. That, we have resolved, will get better. Writing this down, I notice a common “Bear is playing a video game” theme. I think that’s my insecurities speaking up again. “Oh, he prefers the game to me. I better sit quietly over here.” That, I can change as well.
There is more missing than just communication, though. My frustration was real, and if I find myself that frustrated again, I don’t know that I will (always) have the willpower to stay away from my dick. What I crave is sensation, and loving attention. And when the most common way I get strong sensation is by giving it to myself, the wrong lesson is being taught. Bear, by and large, has avoided stroking me and getting me close. When I asked him about it, he told me this was because he was worried he might misjudge and I’d come. Because he wants to control when and how I come.
Would that be so bad, I asked. Couldn’t he take his hands away and allow a “ruined” orgasm if he misjudges how close I am? That would demonstrate his control over me.
Bear thought about it for a few hours, and then asked me how I’d feel if he ruined an orgasm deliberately when he would have let me come otherwise, and told me he had done that because I had disobeyed him. I’d be grateful for the attention and for being trained, I told him.
That’s what he’d be doing then, he said. I could expect to have an orgasm ruined because I disobeyed him. Also, every time I touched my frenum from here on out, he’d add time until he’ll allow me to come again.
I’m more than good with that. I want to feel forgiven, and having a consequence to my behavior will give me that, I think.
Bear also told me that if I came once more by stroking myself, he’d put me in a device. He doesn’t want me in there, and he wants to control my orgasm. I am apprehensive that I may, best intentions notwithstanding, force his hand.
I asked him whether that would mean a change to his standing “no toys outside the house” rule. Presumably, I’d wear a cage while traveling? Yes, he confirmed.
In that case, I asked, would he want my dick pierced now? Just so he has the option of using a device without needing to wait 3-4 months for healing?
No, Bear said, and then he explained further. If I developed a urinary tract infection, rare as they are, from a genital piercing, he wouldn’t know how to deal with that and would have to seriously reconsider his role as my dominant, he says. Because he does not want to injure me.
I pointed out he’d injured me before, with hemp rope. The burns healed after a few weeks and there are no marks. Had I noticed he was no longer using the hemp rope, Bear asked. Funnily, I hadn’t. I mean, I had noticed he had used other rope, but bondage play is not something we do often, so I hadn’t seen a pattern. Side note on bondage play, I’ll get back to that.
I’ve asked for two changes. One is that Bear stroke me more often, so I am not so frustrated and so that I learn that pleasure come from him. The other is that I be allowed to take my shaft and glans rings with me when I travel. If I find myself similarly frustrated again, I’ll tell Bear, and ask for permission to wear them. The snugness of the rings helps: It makes me feel “held”, and gives me some of the sensation I crave.
We’re making this up as we go along. There is no road map for this kind of sexual expression. I can find other people’s journeys in chastity, with cock cages and gear. What we are attempting, orgasm denial where Bear’s control really is not present directly, I can find no guide for. We’ll continue trying things out, and hopefully we’ll stumble on something that works, having fun along the way.
Fun is being had. A week ago, after he had fucked me well, I asked Bear to please stroke me. “A little later,” he said, and he made good on that promise in the afternoon. He used baby oil to stroke me, got me close, then told me “Don’t come.” “Yes Sir,” I breathed. After a brief cooling-off period, he’d resume stroking me, until I was close again. “Don’t come,” came the command, and my response. He continued stroking me very slowly, making me shudder and struggle. He repeated this about four times. Every time I was close, he’d tell me “Don’t come”, I’d reply “Yes Sir” and arch my back and clench my PC muscles and hold on as best I could while he would slowly, slowly give me one more stroke.
“I love torturing you and command you not to come,” Bear said. Then, with some wonder, “All I’ve been doing is sit here and stroke you, and I am rock hard.”
“May I make you come, Sir, please?” I asked eagerly. Bear looked a bit surprised. He undressed, laid down, and I started stroking him, presenting myself to him in hopes he would stroke me some more. He didn’t. While I got him to his second orgasm of the day, my own cock bobbed there fully erect, ignored by him. And that, too, was very good indeed.
What Bear was surprised about, I learned later, was my eagerness. “I haven’t seen you like that before,” he said. I thought about it. “Actually you have, Sir,” I said. “Just that I already had access to your cock at that time. I get like that whenever you bring me close a few times. It’s a very submissive place I go to, one where I am deeply grateful and all I want to do is please you. Remember when I was stroking you, and you were stroking me, and I started mouthing your balls for all I was worth? That was the same reaction.”
Details make a big difference. Bear experiences my eagerness completely differently when I am not already pleasing him than when I am. That’s good to keep in mind.
I am very happy that Bear has found that “torturing” me – the sweetest kind of torture, really – excites him greatly. Not only do I get what I crave, I am pleasing him at the same time. It doesn’t get better than that.
I said I’d briefly circle back on bondage. The reason Bear does not bind me often, he discovered in our discussions, is that he is conflicted. He likes binding me, he also gets stressed. His inner critic tells him that the knots are no good, and the ropework is sloppy, and he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Which is to say, rope bondage is not a honed skill. It can’t be without the honing of that skill. He realizes how self-defeating those thoughts are. I’ll continue asking him for bondage, and I suggested he may try to view his inner critic with loving detachment.