October saw me wearing Bear’s collar daily, and sometimes day and night. I loved it. I felt kept and eager to serve Bear. Bear, in turn, tells me he loves seeing it on me more and more.
My neck, unfortunately, did not love it. Major knots, which interfered with the healing of my shoulder. So the collar’s been off for a good three weeks now, or what feels like three weeks. Recently, Bear asked me how my neck felt and whether I thought I was ready to wear the collar again. I said I thought so, if I could adjust it to be a bit wider. We tried having it on for one night, and that wasn’t good, either. I’ve asked to be allowed to wear it during the day, then. Bear says yes, and once he tries that, we’ll see how it goes.
This is fantasy running smack-bang into neuro-muscular reality. I miss the collar, and we’ll adjust.
Denial-wise, October was a month of quiet intensity. I felt less desperate than I had in the past, but at the same time, my arousal felt more all-encompassing. I feel arousal throughout my body. This month, that feeling was more intense, and more often present, than at other times.
Towards the end of October, I started fantasizing about not coming for a good long while longer, maybe until early next year.
I also got very, very sensitive around my balls, getting to a state of near-orgasmic arousal just by tugging on them, which was new.
That might have been a warning, hindsight being perfect. A few days before Bear’s birthday, I came without permission.
I had woken up and, in my groggy and horny state, thought it would be fun (and a good idea) to bind my foreskin shut with a kynodesme, and then apply a leather ball / cock bondage contraption at the same time, and see whether I could wait out the erection until I was soft again, and keep the kynodesme on.
I was tugging on the foreskin to keep it from slipping out of the knot I had tied. What I felt was some discomfort from the stretching of my foreskin, and the skin tugging at my balls in their leather stretcher. I was hard, but I wasn’t feeling any increasing arousal that might lead to an orgasm. Until, that is, I did, in a sudden and unexpected wave originating from my balls. I took the toys off and my hands away, to no avail. I came in three, four spurts.
What annoyed me most about this was that not only had I taken Bear’s decision on whether I’d come, even if not deliberately, I had done so just before his birthday.
A few hours later, I made and served breakfast, and when Bear was done eating, told him what had happened. He listened to the details, then told me that although I had been using toys, given the sudden onset of my orgasm, he’d treat it as a natural occurrence, like a wet dream. He would not blame me for this.
Which is very kind of him. I’m mindful to follow his example and not blame myself, either. I was obedient for a bit over half a year, and take that as progress. I also had no desire whatsoever to “finish myself off,” to make an accidental orgasm into a full one. In the past, I had to will my hands still, so overwhelming was the urge to stroke when I came “accidentally.” No more: All I felt was chagrin. That my orgasm belongs to Bear is a deep-felt emotional reality, is now part and parcel of my connection with Bear. Even, or especially when, I screw up.
I do take a few lessons away. One, be extra careful when combining toys. When in doubt, don’t. Be careful about stimulating my balls: Clearly I can come from that stimulation, now. And two, whenever I start fantasizing in earnest about not coming for another 3, 6, 12 months, then be wary. It seems that when I start feeling like I’d happily be denied for much longer that, maybe paradoxically, I put a stop to that becoming a reality.
I did remain quite horny after that orgasm, and about a week later, begged Bear for a real one. He told me he decided when I’d come, and not now. Maybe next time we had sex. That was about 2 weeks ago. I didn’t come next time we had sex, or the time after that. He has been teasing me nightly, grinning broadly as I writhe and moan. It’s lovely to fall asleep feeling desperately horny and deeply submissive.
We talked about play and bondage some. Bear wants to bind, and he also dreads binding. He feels like he’s being scrutinized, judged, for his skill: Is that tie right? Did he remember to allow himself an easy way back out? Is it the way he tied it before?
To help him with this, I’ll cease all “helpful suggestions” during bondage. I truly don’t care what his knots look like, I just love being in rope. I’ll also keep asking him for bondage, in a “can we this weekend” or “can we this week” manner, and we’ll see how that feels for him.