That heading there is tongue-in-cheek. I think people should do what is right for them, and that varies widely. But, you know, it seems that orgasm control is trending right now. Read on.
My therapist approves of D/s in general, and orgasm control in particular. Discussing my sex life with her is not something I had expected to do. The topic came up in the context of some tensions between myself and Bear, and so I found myself relating our morning breakfast ritual – which is that I serve breakfast to Bear in bed, naked and kneeling, and he teases me – and the fact that I come about every 3 weeks. She seemed a bit puzzled at first. She asked a few times how I felt about it all. She asked whether I was frustrated or resentful. I am not, quite the opposite, and so, since I am quite happy with this play, and Bear is, and it is a daily touch point of intimacy and love for us, she approves. And gave me a big hug as I was about to leave.
I still think that was more than just a little strange. Says the man who blogs about his sex life publicly.
And then, just to drive home that orgasm control is about as kinky as wearing shoes with blue soles (which are snazzy, by the way), Psychology Today publishes a piece that talks about pair-bonding, fidelity, oxytocin, and sex. Oxytocin, if you’re unfamiliar with it, is a hormone that creates those happy fuzzy feelings of attachment security and, if in the right mindset, devotion to a partner. It is released with physical touch, intimate talk, sex, and other pair-bonding activities. In men, it is also greatly diminished with orgasm, together with dopamine, its cousin that creates feelings of joy and sexual desire.
The new finding about oxytocin – and do read the article – is that men dosed with it keep a greater distance to attractive females. And so Psychology Today, or rather this author writing in Psychology Today, recommends that couples experiment with Karezza. If oxytocin is good, more oxytocin is better (as long as naturally produced – nasal sprays have nasty side effects), and since oxytocin is diminished with orgasm: Don’t orgasm.
Which is not the first time Psychology Today has gone there. First it’s described as the “ultimate sex hack”, now as the way to bring fidelity and harmony into your relationship. Karezza is sex without orgasm – for the man. The woman may come as much as she likes. Which sounds a lot like kinky orgasm control, minus the “I am doing this because she wants me to” bits. Which then makes it completely vanilla orgasm control. It’s good to know such a thing exists, and I am no longer sure there is even a distinction between a vanilla and a D/s relationship, unless one insists on that distinction. To me, it all increasingly just looks like points on the vast scale that is “normal.”
The Daily Telegraph, just yesterday, declared Karezza the new trend in sexual relations, reviving couples’ sex lives across the nation. It “improves health and restores relationships”, gushes the DT. Which takes this practice firmly out of the realm of Fetlife, and into the mainstream. Which fairly blows my mind. I like it.
So, orgasm control: Try it. But call it Karezza. It lends it an extra air of mystery, and makes it much easier to talk about, as well.
My therapist approves of D/s in general, and orgasm control in particular.
Years ago, Mrs. Edge and I were seeing a counselor, and trying to explain kink to him was about the most humiliating experience ever. It was in a one-on-one session, and he had this deer-in-the-headlights look to him. Somehow, in all his experience, he had managed to not run across anything more kinky than using blindfolds and fake handcuffs.
I still cringe when I think about it.
Ouch. I feel for you. That explains the need for the “Kink Aware Professionals” lists. I saw a book years ago that was meant to help one’s medical professionals understand kink, but I’m not sure I can find it now. “Bound to be free” looks like a likely candidate.
I feel extraordinarily lucky to have found a therapist that fully embraces the idea of being “non-judgmental”.
Interesting post and perspective. I will need to read these articles.
We have played with orgasm denial for several years now. My wife thought it was “weird” at first and I don’t think she knew what to make of it. I get a certain submissive thrill from allowing her control of my orgasms, but my wife enjoys the “courtship behavior” when I am denied. I find that I get the intimacy I really need from her teasing me and allowing me to pleasure her. When I do come, I do “crash” and lose interest in sex for some time. Not so with her.
I have read a bit of Marnia Robinson’s stuff, and I really thought her push was for both partners to stop short of orgasm ~ I never go the sense that she was focused on male orgasm denial. There’s no fun in that for me. I love it when she climaxes, it is the sexiest, most erotic thing in my world.
I just blogged about this, but what causes a dilemma for us is that if I am denied for perhaps longer than a week, I start to get very “needy”, wanting to play every night. Still sorting through this…
I get what you’re saying with getting very needy. From a 10,000 foot view, I see any relationship as a way for both partners to get some needs and desires met, and D/s is no exception. Whatever you come up with has to work for the both of you, and that can take some trial and error.
In our particular case, Bear will tease me just about every day, sometimes twice daily, morning and evening. It may be brief – maybe just a few seconds. We have rituals that help with that. I serve him breakfast in the morning, naked and kneeling, and he teases me a bit. And he hands me the cock ring in the evening, to be worn throughout the night. More often that not, he’ll stroke my erection while he’s at it.
I don’t know how I’d feel about not being able to become erect. I don’t think I’d like it much.
This is all possible because we don’t use a device. I’m not sure if we ever would, Bear has too much fun making me whimper by teasing my frenum, which he does twice a week or so. And he actually likes me horny and needy. If we ever did go for a device, I can see him choosing one of the ones Lori makes that just cover the head.