That heading there is tongue-in-cheek. I think people should do what is right for them, and that varies widely. But, you know, it seems that orgasm control is trending right now. Read on.
My therapist approves of D/s in general, and orgasm control in particular. Discussing my sex life with her is not something I had expected to do. The topic came up in the context of some tensions between myself and Bear, and so I found myself relating our morning breakfast ritual – which is that I serve breakfast to Bear in bed, naked and kneeling, and he teases me – and the fact that I come about every 3 weeks. She seemed a bit puzzled at first. She asked a few times how I felt about it all. She asked whether I was frustrated or resentful. I am not, quite the opposite, and so, since I am quite happy with this play, and Bear is, and it is a daily touch point of intimacy and love for us, she approves. And gave me a big hug as I was about to leave.
I still think that was more than just a little strange. Says the man who blogs about his sex life publicly.
And then, just to drive home that orgasm control is about as kinky as wearing shoes with blue soles (which are snazzy, by the way), Psychology Today publishes a piece that talks about pair-bonding, fidelity, oxytocin, and sex. Oxytocin, if you’re unfamiliar with it, is a hormone that creates those happy fuzzy feelings of attachment security and, if in the right mindset, devotion to a partner. It is released with physical touch, intimate talk, sex, and other pair-bonding activities. In men, it is also greatly diminished with orgasm, together with dopamine, its cousin that creates feelings of joy and sexual desire.
The new finding about oxytocin – and do read the article – is that men dosed with it keep a greater distance to attractive females. And so Psychology Today, or rather this author writing in Psychology Today, recommends that couples experiment with Karezza. If oxytocin is good, more oxytocin is better (as long as naturally produced – nasal sprays have nasty side effects), and since oxytocin is diminished with orgasm: Don’t orgasm.
Which is not the first time Psychology Today has gone there. First it’s described as the “ultimate sex hack”, now as the way to bring fidelity and harmony into your relationship. Karezza is sex without orgasm – for the man. The woman may come as much as she likes. Which sounds a lot like kinky orgasm control, minus the “I am doing this because she wants me to” bits. Which then makes it completely vanilla orgasm control. It’s good to know such a thing exists, and I am no longer sure there is even a distinction between a vanilla and a D/s relationship, unless one insists on that distinction. To me, it all increasingly just looks like points on the vast scale that is “normal.”
The Daily Telegraph, just yesterday, declared Karezza the new trend in sexual relations, reviving couples’ sex lives across the nation. It “improves health and restores relationships”, gushes the DT. Which takes this practice firmly out of the realm of Fetlife, and into the mainstream. Which fairly blows my mind. I like it.
So, orgasm control: Try it. But call it Karezza. It lends it an extra air of mystery, and makes it much easier to talk about, as well.