While enjoying a bubble bath with Bear and stroking his cock (side note: Highly recommended things, these jet bath tubs), I brought up the topic of ownership.
A bit of context will be helpful. When I met Bear these many years ago, I wanted to be owned quite badly. We were both new to D/s. Bear agreed to take me on as his pet, and we had a collaring ceremony with friends, which was lovely.
At the time, we were living 3,000 miles apart. Bear wanted to control my orgasm then, and it didn’t work too well. I’d come without permission every one to two weeks, then I’d apologize, and we’d continue. Part of that was the distance – I really do need touch. And part of that was that I hadn’t figured out how to obey, yet.
What happened when we moved together was not lovely. Our relationship did not unfold the way I had hoped for. Bear wasn’t ready to be my dominant, after all. And after a while, I handed him back my collar, with a heavy heart and many a tear. That was over a decade ago.
Since then, we’ve been in and out of couples therapy, have grown as people as well as a couple, and understand ourselves and each other better.
Back to the present time, then, and us sitting in a bath while I stroke Bear leisurely. I brought up the topic of ownership, and for a change, he didn’t flinch from it. Encouraged, I commented that he seemed at least comfortable talking about this now. And asked whether he knew why.
Yes, he answered. He has more trust, now, since I figured out how to obey and not come without permission. He told me that he was really dismayed and upset when I came without permission. And that he had not, until this moment, been able to put his finger on what it was that made owning me not work for him: A lack of trust because I didn’t obey his command not to come.
Now, he tells me, he trusts me mostly in this regard. Ninety percent, he says, where it was twenty percent before.
You know, I get that. I can see how being able to trust your submissive to obey is key to enjoying dominance, and wanting to be dominant. No one wants to feel disappointed all the time. If commands are not being obeyed, then one possible reaction is not to command.
I think we’re on the right path, and I remain hopeful that I will be owned again by Bear. Neither one of us knows what that means in practice. I think that practical piece will be easy to figure out, though. It could come gradually. It’s the emotional piece that’s difficult.
To that end, I have suggested that we revisit old hurts. We have been taught somewhat formal techniques for speaking to each other in such a way that the other truly feels heard. These are beyond useful when both sides have a hurt, and when both sides have a “yeah but” to what the other has to say. So, we’ll take a look at how we felt then, likely this weekend.
Communication truly is a learned skill. Talking to each other is easy, but talking to each other in an open, vulnerable and compassionate way, and moreover, being willing to truly listen to each other: That did not come naturally to either one of us.
We both have a picture of what ownership means. For Bear, the picture is of me kneeling before him and calling him Master. For me, the picture is of me kneeling before him, collared and leashed.
Those are compatible fantasies. I will continue to work on being obedient and trustworthy in my submission. And I hope Bear will eventually feel not just comfortable, but enthusiastic about the idea of owning me.
If there’s one thing I don’t get tired thinking and talking about, it’s my own denial. Even when I know I’m repeating myself.
Bear had mentioned that he planned for me to come on New Year’s Day. I didn’t really feel ready to come. So I told him that I was enjoying the way that I felt right now, and that I wouldn’t mind going longer. And that I’d come when he wanted me to, of course.
“You’re not telling me anything new,” he said. “And if you come now, there’s always Easter to look forward to.” (I’ll come back to this theme of feast days)
On New Year’s Day, I made sure I was clean. Bear fucked me in his preferred position: From behind, with him pressing down on my upper back and shoulders, and me pressed into the mattress. Neither one of us touched my cock, and I was raging hard regardless. It was a wonderful, intense fuck, and I loved it when Bear came in me. I am particularly fond of the way his cock flexes and throbs after he came. I couldn’t tell you why.
“Maybe I’ll let you come later,” he said when he had pulled out of me. “Right now I want to snooze.”
Bliss. I lay there whimpering softly and humping air, and loving every second of it.
Later that day, I asked him whether he wanted to tease me. “No,” he said. “I don’t feel like it right now. Maybe I’ll let you come on the weekend.”
Oh yeah. I have a few, simple buttons, and he just pushed all of them.
Since then, Bear has teased me a few times. When he teases me and I get close, I want nothing more than to come. The physical urge is nearly overpowering.
And when he denies me once more, I can’t stop babbling about how grateful I am.
Lately, Bear has been establishing a pattern of letting me come on or near a feast day. The last two times I came were a day after his birthday, and on Thanksgiving. And he planned to have me come again on New Year’s Day, and mentioned Easter as the next possible date.
At that rate, I’ll come a half dozen times this year, maybe less. And I am excited about that prospect. I expect that I will struggle with obedience at times, and I look forward to it. I feel confident I will be obedient to Bear, and I really want to prove to him that he can trust me, regardless of how badly my body wants to come.