While enjoying a bubble bath with Bear and stroking his cock (side note: Highly recommended things, these jet bath tubs), I brought up the topic of ownership.
A bit of context will be helpful. When I met Bear these many years ago, I wanted to be owned quite badly. We were both new to D/s. Bear agreed to take me on as his pet, and we had a collaring ceremony with friends, which was lovely.
At the time, we were living 3,000 miles apart. Bear wanted to control my orgasm then, and it didn’t work too well. I’d come without permission every one to two weeks, then I’d apologize, and we’d continue. Part of that was the distance – I really do need touch. And part of that was that I hadn’t figured out how to obey, yet.
What happened when we moved together was not lovely. Our relationship did not unfold the way I had hoped for. Bear wasn’t ready to be my dominant, after all. And after a while, I handed him back my collar, with a heavy heart and many a tear. That was over a decade ago.
Since then, we’ve been in and out of couples therapy, have grown as people as well as a couple, and understand ourselves and each other better.
Back to the present time, then, and us sitting in a bath while I stroke Bear leisurely. I brought up the topic of ownership, and for a change, he didn’t flinch from it. Encouraged, I commented that he seemed at least comfortable talking about this now. And asked whether he knew why.
Yes, he answered. He has more trust, now, since I figured out how to obey and not come without permission. He told me that he was really dismayed and upset when I came without permission. And that he had not, until this moment, been able to put his finger on what it was that made owning me not work for him: A lack of trust because I didn’t obey his command not to come.
Now, he tells me, he trusts me mostly in this regard. Ninety percent, he says, where it was twenty percent before.
You know, I get that. I can see how being able to trust your submissive to obey is key to enjoying dominance, and wanting to be dominant. No one wants to feel disappointed all the time. If commands are not being obeyed, then one possible reaction is not to command.
I think we’re on the right path, and I remain hopeful that I will be owned again by Bear. Neither one of us knows what that means in practice. I think that practical piece will be easy to figure out, though. It could come gradually. It’s the emotional piece that’s difficult.
To that end, I have suggested that we revisit old hurts. We have been taught somewhat formal techniques for speaking to each other in such a way that the other truly feels heard. These are beyond useful when both sides have a hurt, and when both sides have a “yeah but” to what the other has to say. So, we’ll take a look at how we felt then, likely this weekend.
Communication truly is a learned skill. Talking to each other is easy, but talking to each other in an open, vulnerable and compassionate way, and moreover, being willing to truly listen to each other: That did not come naturally to either one of us.
We both have a picture of what ownership means. For Bear, the picture is of me kneeling before him and calling him Master. For me, the picture is of me kneeling before him, collared and leashed.
Those are compatible fantasies. I will continue to work on being obedient and trustworthy in my submission. And I hope Bear will eventually feel not just comfortable, but enthusiastic about the idea of owning me.
Denial
If there’s one thing I don’t get tired thinking and talking about, it’s my own denial. Even when I know I’m repeating myself.
Bear had mentioned that he planned for me to come on New Year’s Day. I didn’t really feel ready to come. So I told him that I was enjoying the way that I felt right now, and that I wouldn’t mind going longer. And that I’d come when he wanted me to, of course.
“You’re not telling me anything new,” he said. “And if you come now, there’s always Easter to look forward to.” (I’ll come back to this theme of feast days)
On New Year’s Day, I made sure I was clean. Bear fucked me in his preferred position: From behind, with him pressing down on my upper back and shoulders, and me pressed into the mattress. Neither one of us touched my cock, and I was raging hard regardless. It was a wonderful, intense fuck, and I loved it when Bear came in me. I am particularly fond of the way his cock flexes and throbs after he came. I couldn’t tell you why.
“Maybe I’ll let you come later,” he said when he had pulled out of me. “Right now I want to snooze.”
Bliss. I lay there whimpering softly and humping air, and loving every second of it.
Later that day, I asked him whether he wanted to tease me. “No,” he said. “I don’t feel like it right now. Maybe I’ll let you come on the weekend.”
Oh yeah. I have a few, simple buttons, and he just pushed all of them.
Since then, Bear has teased me a few times. When he teases me and I get close, I want nothing more than to come. The physical urge is nearly overpowering.
And when he denies me once more, I can’t stop babbling about how grateful I am.
Lately, Bear has been establishing a pattern of letting me come on or near a feast day. The last two times I came were a day after his birthday, and on Thanksgiving. And he planned to have me come again on New Year’s Day, and mentioned Easter as the next possible date.
At that rate, I’ll come a half dozen times this year, maybe less. And I am excited about that prospect. I expect that I will struggle with obedience at times, and I look forward to it. I feel confident I will be obedient to Bear, and I really want to prove to him that he can trust me, regardless of how badly my body wants to come.
As an outside party, one thing that I picked up on right away is that Schnoff is not only sometimes a bit lax in obeying, but perhaps also in submitting as well.
In my own experience, I know all too well that it isn’t always easy to comply 100% of the time. But in those moments of weakness when I feel sad or upset that things aren’t going the way I think they should be, I have learned to snap myself out of that head space. It’s not my place to dwell on ‘my’ neediness. My job is to make SIRS life more enjoyable.
So when I fall into those periodic episodes of self indulgence, I immediately go to work on some activity that I know will please SIR. It doesn’t have to be a major project: maybe I’ll wash and detail his truck, or bake his favorite dessert (lemon merenge pie). Maybe I’ll polish his Wescos again, even if they’re not really in need of a shine.
The point is to stay busy and do something that SIR will appreciate (and keep your mind off irrelevant nonsense). SIR is extremely considerate, and 9 times out of 10, he rewards me for going above and beyond, or as SIR says, ‘taking initiative.’
Those rewards are always the sweetest because I feel that I truly earned them.
I never question SIRS decisions, opinions and judgement. If SIR says that I am to cum on New Year’s Day and I don’t ‘feel’ like it –tough shit! I would never suggest that I could go another week, or whatever. Maybe SIR has been looking forward to milking me on New Year’s. The point is, it’s not my place to decide.
Jack, thanks a lot for your time and thoughtful comments. It means a lot to me to get an outside view of where I’m at.
I think you are right in that I am not the most submissive of partners. There’s definitely room for improvement there.
I also like your focus on service, on finding something to do. I’ll keep that method in mind.
> It’s not my place to dwell on ‘my’ neediness. My job is to make SIRS life more enjoyable.
I am with you to an extent. I am submissive, I am also a normal human being. Which means that I have needs and will be miserable if those are not met. The trick, I think, is to distinguish needs and wants. For example, coming is a want, not a need. Feeling desired is a need.
> I never question SIRS decisions, opinions and judgement
I am not sure I can do that, nor do I know that I’d serve Bear best that way. Mostly because our roles are blended: We are equal partners in this household as well as Dominant and submissive. Where one lets off and the other one starts can be a bit confusing at times to me, though Bear has, of late, and to my delight, made the line much clearer to me.
I challenge Bear’s opinions, and his decisions, and his judgment. What I am, and need, to continually improve on is how I do that. From my perspective, challenging him has helped him grow as a person.
I’ll make Bear aware of your comment, he might want to weigh in from his perspective.
After reading further into your blog, I became more aware of the unique dynamic between you and Bear. So I began to regret posting my comment. Thanks for taking it so graciously. Of course your relationship works differently than mine, or anybody’s for that matter.
No worries. No apologies needed. I really am glad you shared your view, which means you shared your reality and the way your relationship works. I took it in that spirit.
I am slowly waking up to the fact that our dynamic really is unusual, and not just in a “everyone’s a special snowflake” way. It’s the exclusivity that makes it unusual, and I’m not yet sure how unusual the “partners, lovers, friends and Dom/sub all at once” arrangement is.
Yes, it is pretty unique. I personally don’t want complete autonomy because as his partner I want his input because things tend to overlap. I am sure that if I wanted to I could insist and he would probably go along with it within reason unless it was something life changing and significant. We have our list of likes and wants which has certainly changed over the years, but I find that getting his input can prevent headaches later. In fact recently in making a minor decision I had asked him where he wanted something as we were moving some stuff for a contractor to come into our home and he asked me where I wanted it. What I wanted was his input, but we were talking past each other and I got frustrated. Finding that balance between D/s and every day real life is still an ongoing thing. 🙂
Yes, in my own experience, I have learned that when SIR asks me my opinion on certain topics, it’s OK for me to forgo the generic ” I like what YOU like, SIR.” He actually wants my honest input.
Of course there are times when I give my honest opinion, and it is NOT wanted and so I pay the consequences –which always gets me reved up!