3 submissive positions

As part of our mentoring with Mistress Sky, we’ve been taught positions to use. They’re fun and can add an easy way to remind both sides of the slash of the dynamic.

Position 1:
Shoulders back, back straight, gaze down, hands on top of each other in front of the body / crotch. Standing or kneeling.

Position 2:
Like position 1, with hands on top of each other behind the back. Standing or kneeling.

Position 3:
Like position 1, with hands on top of each other above the head. Standing or kneeling. The “inspection” position.

Bear took to position 1 initially, and then stopped using it. I’ll remind him that these are fun. ūüôā

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I don’t need to come (close)

Failure attitudes are a thing around here. My attitude is “I haven’t failed, I just found 1,000 ways that don’t work.” Bear’s attitude is a bit harsher. He’s working on that. Heh.

We’re some 4 years – is that right? – into orgasm denial without a device, and I keep coming when I’m not supposed to. In that time, though, there’s been progress. I learned not to use toys in my ass when playing with my dick, because, well, it seems obvious in hindsight. As does a lot of stuff.

I learned to let go of the idea that I was due an orgasm. I’m not. I don’t need to come, really.

I learned to stop obsessing about how long it’s been. I used to know to the day; now I need to check my Dorky Orgasm Tracker to find out.

I got better and better at edging and not coming, but, ultimately, not good enough.

And then, about a week ago, something that I had read about many times finally clicked: Willpower is finite. The best way to avoid giving in to temptation is to remove temptation.

We still don’t use a device. And even when the one we’re getting from Steelworxx arrives, it still won’t be used on a regular basis. Removing temptation by removing the dick is right out.

Removing temptation by an order not to stroke at all doesn’t work, either. We tried that. I get resentful. And eventually I disobey and come anyway. There’s that finite willpower thing again.

If I will stroke myself, and I keep coming without permission, eventually, even if after weeks or months, when I get close – well then the solution would be not to come close. Seems so obvious all of a sudden. If I don’t need to come, I also don’t need to come close. At least not by my own hand.

What we’re trying right now is modifying a few decades of masturbatory habit. Instead of stroking until I am close and then stopping – edging – I stroke until I am close to being close, if that makes sense. And then wait for at least 30 minutes. If I actually do get close, that’s it for the day. Oh, and there’s a limit to how often I can stroke per day. Determined by a die, the sheer nerdery of it all.

So far so good. I don’t feel resentful, I feel grateful. I get to indulge in the fantasy of being “perpetually aroused”, which I’ve had since I was a teen, and which Michael Manning explores so wonderfully. I’ve had a few days where I’ve been crawl-up-the-walls horny, the kind of day that would have resulted in ejaculation before, and all that happened is that I “almost came close”, instead of “almost came”.

I’ll know in a few weeks whether this approach is helpful. And if I’m very lucky, in a few months that it worked – but I am completely open to the outcome of “needs more tweaks”.

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4 submissive concepts

I am in “submissive training” or, probably more accurately and less formally, in “submissive mentoring” with Mistress Sky, and she taught me 4 submissive concepts during our first session together. I find them immensely useful, more so as the weeks go by, and wanted to share.

Being alert. Specifically, being aware of my surroundings, and noticing things that might benefit Bear, and thus us. And then taking action on that, not being shy. That might be noticing something that I think Bear may like, and making him aware of it. That might be noticing something that can be improved in our household or our lives, and doing something about it.
– I can get a whole lot better at this. This will be a constant opportunity for improving myself.

Honesty.¬†Not so much the dictionary definition of “don’t tell a lie,” but showing my true inner self, honestly. That takes a ton of trust, and feeling safe enough to do that. In some cases, the “true inner self” can surprise the submissive, once it comes out.
– I’d say we’re doing well here. No surprises yet, though. Who knows what’s in store.

In the first instance.¬†To react to Bear’s dominant energy with my own submissive energy, first and foremost. He tosses the ball, I toss it back. To give a concrete example, say Bear orders me to get him a drink. First and foremost, “yes Sir.” And then, if needed, “what kind of drink”, or “I’m in the middle of something, can it wait 2 minutes”, or whatever other minutiae and questions may come up. But first, react submissively to my dominant partner.
– Oh dear, “in the first instance”. I am so so good at analyzing and picking apart and thinking it through, I really struggle with this. And I am getting better at this. I enjoy the opportunity to practice.

Being fully present. To give my full attention, for sure, but more than that. To be fully present emotionally. To connect with Bear from the heart, to hold nothing back. To be emotional first, analytical and in the head second.
– I’m pretty happy with where I’m at here. There’s room for growth to be sure. When I feel myself growing distant from Bear, I recall this and see that I can use a small gesture or turn of phrase to bring us closer together again.

I hope these can be as useful to you as they are to me. If they help you, leave a comment and let me know how it went!

Yay!(4)Meh(0)

Panties, and gender roles

I was reading Lion’s entry on being forced to wear frilly panties and the humiliation that causes him, and that got me thinking about deep-rooted sexism in our society. That’s not a particularly original thought, to be sure. I figured I might as well blog about it anyway and see where I am at with it.

Lion had this to say:

My view is that the reason I am embarrassed is that¬† being discovered would make me different and inappropriate. The¬†political issue of women being free to dress in male clothes and men¬†humiliated by wearing women’s clothes is a longstanding¬† sexism issue. I definitely didn’t choose to address that.

So there’s “violating societal norms”, and the embarrassment that stems from that, and “violating gender norms”. And then there’s the whole “men who dress in women’s clothes aren’t real men” thing, which is where the sexism comes in.

What a mess. I’m not sure I can untangle this in my own mind.

Personally, I own frilly panties and love them. I’m not embarrassed by them. To the contrary, I feel sexy and empowered and desirable in them. And definitely very male.

This might be simpler for me because I am (for all intents and purposes) gay, and so “violating societal and gender norms” kinda comes with the territory.

Yay me, right? But not so fast. Bear recently mentioned he wanted to pick out clothes for me, and my first response after “yes Sir” was to make sure he didn’t mean he was going to pick out women’s clothes for me. I had to be reassured. Because that would be embarrassing.

And I can’t figure out exactly whether that’d be embarrassing because I am violating societal and gender norms, or because it’d make me less of a man somehow. I want to say the former and not the latter, that I could run around in what’s widely considered “women’s clothes” – as long as the cut is male and fits my body well, obviously, who wants to wear dumpy stuff – and feel just as male and empowered. And I’m not sure that’s so. I don’t know that I’ll find out, either, because the “draw stares by violating societal norms” awkwardness / shame would be too great.

I don’t have any great insights, other than that I’d encourage people to be a little “different and inappropriate”. Within reason.

Frilly panties – they are no more inappropriate than boxer shorts while not visible in public, and just as inappropriate when visible. That’s a safe one. They’re sexy, so go right for it.

A dog rope collar – I wear one all the time, but I stopped wearing it to work or when socializing with colleagues. I got a few “what the hell dude” comments, and decided it was less than professional to wear, even under a dress shirt, or even when in casual wear but still during a work-related function. Outside of work, strangers always ignore the thing or will give a “that’s so cool” compliment, and my friends mostly ignore the thing, and a few have commented because they are curious. I tell them it means exactly what they think it means, and that’s usually as far as it goes. So if you’re wondering whether you can wear a collar in public – you can.

Those are safe expressions of individuality. I’d love for men to be able to wear more colorful clothes and more types of clothes. “Be the change you want to see in the world,” I know. Maybe if I achieve Fuck You Money or retire, but until then, I care too much about what that might mean professionally.

In the meantime, the best I can do is be aware of when I’m embarrassed, acknowledge there’s likely an element of sexism in it, because one simply cannot escape this shit, and do my best to not feed that element of sexism.

What are your experiences with wearing clothing that doesn’t conform to gender norms? And how hard do you believe we should think about this stuff?

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A nerdy orgasm denial game

Ever since we started daily check-ins for orgasm control, I’ve had a much easier time obeying Bear and not coming without permission.

And, I still am mostly useless for hours at a time, while I play with my dick. Some way of putting a limit on that is needed, or I won’t get anything done around here when I feel unreasonably horny. The standard answer is “lock it away”, and that’s in the cards, sometime December.

In the meantime, I’ve suggested a nerdy game to Bear. It involves D&D dice!

Edit: This didn’t work out. A D20 is way too much. It’s been modified to a D6, with a “1” meaning “don’t stroke for a day”. Other results now mean “you can stroke”, but edging is out, too.

At the end of the day, roll a D20.

1: Don’t stroke the next day.

2-19: Bring yourself to the edge this many times the next day, don’t come.

20: Don’t stroke for the next 1D10 days.

I’ve gotten much better at getting myself to the edge and not over, as well. I am using my ball sack as an additional indicator. When it gets tight to my body, it’s time to slow down and pay attention and stop just as I can feel the very beginning of emission;¬† wait until the sack is relaxed and loose again before starting another edge.

The idea here is to get close to orgasm, but not too close, so that I can still let my hands rest on my dick and balls and not come.

I had suggested an ultra-nerdy “obedience modifier” to Bear for the Natural 20 result: Don’t stroke for 1D10 + obedience modifier days, where obedience modifier is taking the number of days since I last came, and treating it like a D&D stat. As I am writing this, for example, that’d be 30 days since I came, hence a modifier of +10.

That escalates rather quickly, and Bear doesn’t want to put me in a situation where I can’t succeed. So, no obedience modifier. Maybe when the cage arrives, we’ll revisit that 1D10.

Bear is still thinking about this game, as in, whether he wants to go ahead with it. I have to say I love the idea of getting a little D&D into my dick play.

If you have played games with orgasm denial or chastity, I’d love to hear about your experience. What did you do, and what was it like for you and your partner?

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