I ain’t dead yet

I’ve taken a serious break from blogging. I think it’s been over a year since I wrote here. We’re still around, stuff has been happening, and I’ll try and catch the Interwebs up on what’s been going on with my relationship, and my dick.

Someone was kind enough to leave me feedback:

It’s been more than four years. Can we get a quick update? I’m a straight male, but I so enjoy reading about your dynamic. Thanks!

That dynamic really is the core of why I’ve not been blogging. I’ve been increasingly frustrated with it. It always felt like I was just not “getting enough”, and then I second-guessed myself, and so it went. Part of my issue was that I had absolutely no-one to model M/s for me, at least not the type of M/s I have in mind. The team-based, collaborative kind, not the adversarial “beat up on the slave” kind.

For the tease and denial, I kept failing every few weeks or so, having a ruined orgasm without permission, and that brought me down, too.

Negative energy all around, and something needed to change for the better.

The below is going to be the short version. I won’t retell every moment of frustration or hope here.

Mistress Sky (she’s got a web presence) released her “Unequal Partnership” book in April. I read it, and I knew that this was what I wanted. I reached out to her asking her to mentor us in D/s, and Bear said he wanted a chance to read the book first. That took us to September before he was through with it, and we started talking to Mistress Sky.

It’s been a real eye-opener for me. For the first time, I have someone who can model M/s for me, and where I can learn what a good, functioning M/s relationship can look like.

In a nutshell, the leading partner or Master or Dominant or whatever you want to call that creates a framework, “holds” the implementing partner / submissive / slave, and is particularly invested in long-term planning and constantly checking the health of the relationship.

That is, in a nutshell, not Bear. I, at this point, just want him to get to his truth. If he wants to and can be that, I’d be ecstatic. If he can’t or won’t, I’ll love him no less for it – and I’ll have to figure out how I get my needs met, then.

We’ve had one couples session so far, Bear has had one session with her, I’ve had two “submissive training” sessions with her, and we have another couples session coming up.

She had us read another book, “Building the team” by Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny. It’s a gem, really full of wonderful ideas.

Out of that came Bear telling me that he had never understood what I meant by wanting to be equal partners and having a D/s relationship, but that he got it now, and that this was part of why he had always been so reluctant to commit to D/s. Now he tells me, 18 years in, right? Oy gevalt. And, positive thoughts, hope, it can only get better from here.
Edit: I want to add to this. The “oy gevalt” comes across as me being solely on the receiving end here. And I’m not. I’ve chosen to be with Christopher for 18 years, because I had things to learn, which I learned and am learning in that relationship. And I am looking forward to how our relationship will change, even as the prospect of change can be scary.

One of the slightly jarring things that came out of my last session with Mistress Sky was her flat-out stating that she could not teach Bear how to be a Master. He is standing in his own way, and until he moves past (or blasts through or whatever) and is able to be “fully present” – her expression for engaging emotionally without reservation – she won’t be able to teach him Mastery.

We’ll continue the couples sessions with Mistress Sky though, we’re seeing our vanilla therapist again, and I’m hopeful that Bear can get to me. He is my beloved and I am his, I have no doubts about that at all. He’ll just have to let himself step in front of the mountain of fear he has erected.

I’ll probably blog a little about the concepts Mistress Sky taught me, or will teach me, in my sessions with her. I’m not sure how much of it is still going to be submissive training while we work through relationship stuff. She tells me she wants to “continue to show up for” me, and I am immensely grateful for it.

She had us watch two TED talks by Dr. Brene Brown, and I am seeing the “shame” dynamic in particular everywhere right now. In our relationship, in our relation to our kids (heartbreaking, that), in Bear’s reactions to being questioned, in my own reaction to having trouble with a difficult task or being in a group of strangers. Shame shows up and says “you are not good enough” and “who do you think you are anyway”, and while those are not new concepts to me, right now I’m at a point where I can really hear this and can make changes based on it. I highly recommend watching these. One on vulnerability, and one on shame.

One of the concrete changes I’m making is that I will be clear in wanting to establish community. I never really engaged with the local D/s or kink community, despite sending out feelers, mainly because Bear was very reluctant. I am going to change that. Community is important. I’ll always invite Bear to be part of this, and I hope he will be. We’ll be at Bound in Boston and the Spring Flea, so if you’re going to either one of those and would like to say hi and connect, please do! I’m on Fetlife as “Schnoff”.

I’ve vowed to be better at communicating my needs, in a way that doesn’t set Bear off. I’m making progress. Mistress Sky is helping us with that.

Bear has been way more engaged in relating to me as his submissive partner than he ever has been in our time together. It’s making me happy and giving me a lot of hope. I’m calling him Sir way more often in response.

On the orgasm denial side of things, I’ve asked Bear to please help me out. Being obedient is something I can do for a few weeks, and then my willpower runs out, and I have a ruined orgasm. I said that a couple paragraphs ago, didn’t I.

To my delight, this time around, he said yes. He likes the idea of a chastity device, now. I’m over the moon. Imagine being able to obey and not needing super-Schnoffan willpower for it! I reached out to Dietmar and will be ordering a Securo-Cage 2, essentially a bell for the bell-end, just as soon as I can figure out exactly what I am supposed to be measuring, here.

I think that does for a quick catch-up. Lots of stuff happening. Lots of good stuff. Also scary stuff, because this puts the exact form our relationship will take up in the air. This change is good, though. Way better than me killing the relationship in pain and confusion and fear.

Yay!(1)Meh(1)

Dick jewelry – recommendation

Since I’ve had my dick pierced, I’ve been trying different jewelry manufacturers. I’ve finally settled on one that works best for me, and so I’ll make a straight-up recommendation.

What I am looking for in steel jewelry is:

  • High quality surgical steel
  • Well crafted
  • Large end balls available
  • Ideally: Balls can be re-used when gauging up
  • Ideally: Threaded tapers available

The desire to have large end balls bears explaining. To avoid the top ball of my PA slipping into my meatus, I need a 9/16″ ball. I rushed stretching because I am a) impatient and b) wanted to get to a larger gauge so the jewelry wouldn’t “slip in” any more, sooner rather than later. That was not ideal. If I could have had a 9/16″ ball at 6ga, that’d have been ideal.

And so my recommendation: Body Circle Designs.

Their “large-gauge” barbells (6ga and up) can be ordered without balls, and you can order balls individually from 1/4″ all the way up to 1″. These balls work from barbell gauges as low as 6ga and as high as 1/2″ (beyond 000ga).

I’ve been using a 2ga curved barbell with a 9/16″ ball at the top and a 3/8″ ball at the bottom since August 2016. It’s been completely comfortable, and has helped me heal the “blowout” I caused when stretching to 2ga too soon.

I’ve also used Industrial Strength, which was my go-to vendor while stretching. I can’t re-use end balls from gauge to gauge there, and they don’t offer sufficiently large balls below 2ga. Even at 2ga they don’t go beyond 1/2″, which is still not quite right for me. While they are a good vendor, that makes them unsuitable for my personal use.

I am not an affiliate of either vendor. I don’t get paid for this recommendation.

Yay!(1)Meh(0)

A look back: 3 years

Bear and I started with orgasm denial some 3 years ago. What we do and how we do has changed in that time.

Bear got comfortable teasing me. He used to feel terrible about teasing me, and then denying me an orgasm. What kind of person does that? Turns out, a loving, giving kind of person. He’s completely comfortable now and loves teasing me and hearing me whimper. He’s good at knowing when I get close, and I’ve gotten good at letting him know when I get close.
Most of the time, now, when I make him come, he’ll get me close two or three times during it, then leave me hard and aching. I ain’t complaining, for sure. More to the point, I feel deeply grateful every time he does this to me. If gratitude is the secret to a happy life, I should be all set.

The amount of time between orgasms is slowly getting longer. It used to be one every 2 to 3 weeks. Then it was one every 6 to 7 weeks. And now – I don’t know. I don’t have enough data. When I last came, it was after 12 weeks and a bit, and I’m hoping I won’t come again this year. Only because the year started with multiple orgasms that I wasn’t allowed to have, and I feel like I have something to prove, here.

My attitude towards denial is changing. Or maybe I should say, my attitude towards failure is changing. “Failure is bad” is getting replaced with “experimentation and failure are good, they are part of learning”. Of course I want to be obedient and don’t want to fail. It’s more about the mindset I have when I do, inevitably, fail. And how I can use that failure productively.

Bear’s dislike of chastity devices hasn’t changed. His reasoning has solidified. A chastity device would “let you off the hook”, and he doesn’t want that. I am to do my best to obey, and struggle with being horny. If there’s a device in the way, my obedience is not as meaningful to him.

While there aren’t chastity devices in our play, and likely never will be, Bear did add things over time.
I am pierced now with a Prince Albert, which feels incredible. It’s also a reminder of our dynamic that makes me happy every time I look at it. Best thing that’s been done to my cock, ever.
I am wearing a cock ring while in the house, which I am to take off when I leave the house. I keep forgetting, and Bear keeps taking it away from me for that. He’s telling me I should make checking for the cock ring part of putting on the seat belt. That way I won’t forget to take it off. I’m confident that’ll work – eventually.
And I wear Bear’s collar whenever I can. Which is in the house, out of the house, but not for customer visits. I left it on a few times and got puzzled comments, so I’m erring on the side of “less bold accessorization” now. It’s a rope dog collar, so it’s not extremely obviously a BDSM thing.

 

Yay!(1)Meh(0)