A few weeks ago, Bear ordered me to come. Again. And I asked him to please not make me. He looked puzzled for a moment, then obliged. As I’m writing this, it’s been a little over five weeks since I last came, and it feels a lot better than coming every 2 weeks.
There were a few times during the first half of this year where Bear ordered me to come, and I couldn’t. Or wouldn’t. I’d come close to the edge, then over what I know to be my edge – and still I wouldn’t orgasm. Cue bucking, groaning, maybe some shouting, more bucking, I’m definitely past that point of no return … and no orgasm. This came as somewhat of a surprise. I don’t think this is physiological. I am able to orgasm, of course. Just, psychologically, while I wanted to obey Bear, I also really really wanted a break from coming yet again, when I had just come 2 weeks ago.
I apologized to Bear for not coming when ordered to, and he told me I never, ever, needed to apologize for not having an orgasm. That’s a relief. It’s not like I set out to disobey, but there’s definitely that defiant part of me that just did not want to come, and it somehow, and I don’t know how, won out.
I cannot make this happen at will, by the way. I suspect it won’t happen again, unless Bear goes back to “all the orgasms all the time”.
I suppose this is conditioning. If you’d told me four or five years ago that I’d consider 4 weeks without orgasm as “just right”, and two weeks as “way too often”, I’d have scoffed. Yeah right. Not coming for two or three days was a challenge, never mind two or three weeks. That stuff belonged in kinky fiction. Which I am now living, if without the rope and chains and outward kink stuff.
After four weeks or so, I felt that I was ready in body and mind to come. Bear didn’t order me to, and I didn’t ask. I am enjoying the state I’m in now: I really do want to come, and I don’t know when I will. I feel immense gratitude when Bear brings me close, and then denies me orgasm.
Knowing what it’s like to come every 2 weeks is a powerful motivator to keep my hands off myself, as well. I really want to show Bear that I can control myself, and I don’t want to give him cause to go back to “you’ll come every 2 weeks”. If I come without permission, he’ll see that as failure, and I know he’ll go back to making me come so often I won’t have a thought of disobedience. Yeah, I don’t want to be the cause of going there.
We have a nightly ritual where Bear asks me how I did that day, I tell him how I felt, and whether I stroked – with a few exceptions, I didn’t – and he gives me praise, then orders me to “continue not stroking”. That daily reinforcement really helps.
The Steelworxx cage is too painful to wear, because the pin that holds it in place traps some tissue. I have an idea of how to improve upon that, and it’s going back to Germany to be reworked.
Bear wants to order another collar for me, a more formal one. Fun! I’ve seen this exact model on a friend, and they’re gorgeous. I’m looking forward to it.