6 and a half weeks ago, I screwed up. And then I talked with Bear about it, and I was determined to do better, and had grand ideas of being oh so obedient. And then, almost to the day 6 weeks after I came without permission, I did it again. Screwed up again.
This time around, I was idly touching and squeezing my cock. Not stroking. Not touching the “sweet spot” at the underside of my cock head. I was wearing my favorite cock bondage device, and touching myself, I thought, just enough to enjoy the frustration. Not frequently, and yet, it was too much. I had squeezed the underside of my shaft lightly, and been careful not to tug on the frenum, and I came.
Not. Again. This is getting old. Sure, “failure is a necessary part of success”, but only if I learn from failure.
Thumper has written about his thoughts on that kind of failure, and on device-less obedience versus control through a device. Go ahead and read that. I’ll wait.
I discussed my screw-up with Bear that night, and said that the only solution I saw was that I didn’t touch myself at all when I was rock-hard. “We may have to think about a device,” he said. “I don’t want you in a device. But I want you not to come a lot more than I want you out of a device.”
I told Bear I was conflicted. The idea of wearing a device because he wants me to is hot. But the idea of wearing a device because I cannot do what he wants me to do, to have to wear a device although he’d prefer me out of one, is not hot. It makes me anxious.
“That should be even more incentive for you to get this right, then” Bear said. “And you need to see this from my perspective,” he continued. “Devices have a function, to keep you from coming. I don’t think they are hot. I’ve seen pictures, and I think they look a bit silly.”
I said that if we had to go there, and he still wanted the kind of device that covers my cock head but allows an erection, I’d need to get a piercing to keep that on. “That’s a bit heavy, getting a piercing for that, don’t you think?” Bear said. He’s not enamored of the idea one little bit.
I offered that if I didn’t touch myself when rock hard, that might be good enough. “And then you need to figure out what “rock hard” is,” Bear countered. Okay, good point. I won’t touch myself when I am hard.
“You need to consider that there might not be an end to this,” Bear said. He went on to explain that he cannot fathom being so horny, so desperate, that touching the underside of his shaft would make him come. “What if you get more and more sensitive?” he asked. “Maybe eventually just this will set you off.” He mimed two pats on the covers. Which is one way he likes to tease me, by squeezing my cock through the covers.
I thought that couldn’t happen. Surely I couldn’t ever get that sensitive.
But yesterday, while driving home, I had the strangest “close to being close” sensation. I don’t know whether this translates to other people’s experiences. I am familiar with a state where the underside of my cock, my balls and the inside of my thighs are tingling. I am not close, but I am “close to being close” – a few good strokes in that state will get me close.
And this happened while driving a car. My cock was limp, not leaking as far as I could tell, and yet I was in this highly aroused state for a good half hour. I didn’t dare even squeeze myself lightly.
So, maybe I can get that sensitive. Maybe that’s the far shore of coming at the slightest touch. Or without touch. And maybe there’s no bridge to the other shore, and I’m safe as long as I don’t touch myself. But there’s no way of knowing. For all I know, I’ll pull the covers tighter, or roll over, and come from that contact, one day.
I am a little envious of Thumper, who wrote:
I still touch it and fiddle with it absentmindedly and give it a squeeze if it’s hard and I’m liking that, but I will not “play with it.” Which means I’ll not be able to find myself in that spot Schnoff did.
I thought I could do that safely, but my orgasm Monday means I can’t “squeeze it if it’s hard”, and my experience in the car has me thinking that depending on how I feel, I might not even be able to “fiddle with it absentmindedly” and be safe.
And I don’t know how successful I will be. I don’t want to give Bear cause to put me into a device, because it’s not what he wants. He wants me desperate and obedient, and I want to be that for him.
I have a fantasy now of eventually becoming so sensitive that I come by Bear fucking me, and that’s the only way I’ll come. Bear likes the fantasy, and I get instantly aroused by it. And that’s a fantasy. The reality right now is, I can’t go reliably beyond 6, 7 weeks. That has got to get better. I have to be better at this.
I want to address Thumper’s comment – and do read his piece on this:
Bear doesn’t use a device on Schnoff like Belle does on me and that’s always seemed a little weird from my perspective
The first comment would be that “with device” kinks on control, and “without device” kinks on obedience. They are apples and oranges. Tom wrote eloquently about that.
But I don’t think that’s what Thumper meant, because he knows all that theory. That’s just knowledge. It seems weird to him, because his perspective is one of being under control. Belle wants him in a device.
So there’s a similarity. Bear wants me out of a device. Just like Thumper is in a device because Belle wants him in it, I am out of a device because Bear wants me out of it.
Bear’s reaction to my mistakes of saying “I don’t want you in a device. I want you coming even less” is very telling. His choice of device if he has to go that way, one that allows erections, is telling as well. He really enjoys teasing me. And it doesn’t take much. He might rest his hand on my cock for a while, maybe give me a few light squeezes. And when he takes his hand away, I whimper and writhe. I feel very, very submissive, and I thank him for teasing me.
From my perspective, I’m attempting to obey, to be a “good boy.” Bear wants me out of a device, he wants me desperate, he wants me not to come until he tells me I can. And so I have to do the best I can to give that to him. It’s part of my service to him.
I asked Bear tonight why he prefers device-less chastity. What he told me was that this was about trust for him, and about my desire to obey him being stronger than my desire to come. This is what he wants: He wants to know that he can trust me to obey, and he wants to know that I want to submit to him, to obey him, a lot more than I want to give in to my desperation and give myself relief through an orgasm.
He told me that when I obey him, he gets satisfaction out of that. And more, that when I obey him, he feels loved. And that includes obeying his command not to come.
Thumper writes about Belle’s reasons for wanting him locked up:
First, she doesn’t trust me with the penis.
There are strong similarities here, then. Belle doesn’t trust Thumper with the penis, and that fuels her desire to lock him in a chastity cage. Bear needs to trust me with obeying his command not to come, he feels loved when I obey, and that fuels his desire to keep me out of a cage.
This is why he felt so hurt when I used to come every 7 to 10 days, before I figured out that by staying away from the frenum, I could be obedient much longer. That was last August. He tells me that now, he is still disappointed when I come without permission, but it isn’t nearly as bad for him as it was: Because he believes that I truly want to obey him, that I want to stay horny and desperate for him for as long as he wants me to.
This explanation helps me a lot. Now that I know that Bear feels loved when I obey, I am even more motivated to work on that and stay obedient. I expect that I will fail again, though, hopefully, not right away, not a third time in a row. And I expect that I will learn from each mistake, and that I will get better at translating my desire to be obedient into actual obedience.
Bear didn’t used to be that adamant about my not coming. He’s become a lot more assertive since August, and I am loving it. This extends to small everyday things as well, where he has become much more comfortable with ordering me to do something for him. It’s feeding my desire to serve him, and my desire to be owned by Bear, something fierce.
There’s a local hypnosis group forming. I’ve told Bear about it. We’re both really skeptical. And maybe, just maybe, “erotic hypnosis” can be a part of my obedience, making it easier for me to not come, and not forcing Bear to put a device on me. We may explore, I don’t know yet. I’ll have to follow Bear’s wishes there.
I could say more about being owned. We discussed it, as well. But I think that will keep for another post.