I don’t need to come (close)

Failure attitudes are a thing around here. My attitude is “I haven’t failed, I just found 1,000 ways that don’t work.” Bear’s attitude is a bit harsher. He’s working on that. Heh.

We’re some 4 years – is that right? – into orgasm denial without a device, and I keep coming when I’m not supposed to. In that time, though, there’s been progress. I learned not to use toys in my ass when playing with my dick, because, well, it seems obvious in hindsight. As does a lot of stuff.

I learned to let go of the idea that I was due an orgasm. I’m not. I don’t need to come, really.

I learned to stop obsessing about how long it’s been. I used to know to the day; now I need to check my Dorky Orgasm Tracker to find out.

I got better and better at edging and not coming, but, ultimately, not good enough.

And then, about a week ago, something that I had read about many times finally clicked: Willpower is finite. The best way to avoid giving in to temptation is to remove temptation.

We still don’t use a device. And even when the one we’re getting from Steelworxx arrives, it still won’t be used on a regular basis. Removing temptation by removing the dick is right out.

Removing temptation by an order not to stroke at all doesn’t work, either. We tried that. I get resentful. And eventually I disobey and come anyway. There’s that finite willpower thing again.

If I will stroke myself, and I keep coming without permission, eventually, even if after weeks or months, when I get close – well then the solution would be not to come close. Seems so obvious all of a sudden. If I don’t need to come, I also don’t need to come close. At least not by my own hand.

What we’re trying right now is modifying a few decades of masturbatory habit. Instead of stroking until I am close and then stopping – edging – I stroke until I am close to being close, if that makes sense. And then wait for at least 30 minutes. If I actually do get close, that’s it for the day. Oh, and there’s a limit to how often I can stroke per day. Determined by a die, the sheer nerdery of it all.

So far so good. I don’t feel resentful, I feel grateful. I get to indulge in the fantasy of being “perpetually aroused”, which I’ve had since I was a teen, and which Michael Manning explores so wonderfully. I’ve had a few days where I’ve been crawl-up-the-walls horny, the kind of day that would have resulted in ejaculation before, and all that happened is that I “almost came close”, instead of “almost came”.

I’ll know in a few weeks whether this approach is helpful. And if I’m very lucky, in a few months that it worked – but I am completely open to the outcome of “needs more tweaks”.

Yay!(6)Meh(0)

A nerdy orgasm denial game

Ever since we started daily check-ins for orgasm control, I’ve had a much easier time obeying Bear and not coming without permission.

And, I still am mostly useless for hours at a time, while I play with my dick. Some way of putting a limit on that is needed, or I won’t get anything done around here when I feel unreasonably horny. The standard answer is “lock it away”, and that’s in the cards, sometime December.

In the meantime, I’ve suggested a nerdy game to Bear. It involves D&D dice!

Edit: This didn’t work out. A D20 is way too much. It’s been modified to a D6, with a “1” meaning “don’t stroke for a day”. Other results now mean “you can stroke”, but edging is out, too.

At the end of the day, roll a D20.

1: Don’t stroke the next day.

2-19: Bring yourself to the edge this many times the next day, don’t come.

20: Don’t stroke for the next 1D10 days.

I’ve gotten much better at getting myself to the edge and not over, as well. I am using my ball sack as an additional indicator. When it gets tight to my body, it’s time to slow down and pay attention and stop just as I can feel the very beginning of emission;  wait until the sack is relaxed and loose again before starting another edge.

The idea here is to get close to orgasm, but not too close, so that I can still let my hands rest on my dick and balls and not come.

I had suggested an ultra-nerdy “obedience modifier” to Bear for the Natural 20 result: Don’t stroke for 1D10 + obedience modifier days, where obedience modifier is taking the number of days since I last came, and treating it like a D&D stat. As I am writing this, for example, that’d be 30 days since I came, hence a modifier of +10.

That escalates rather quickly, and Bear doesn’t want to put me in a situation where I can’t succeed. So, no obedience modifier. Maybe when the cage arrives, we’ll revisit that 1D10.

Bear is still thinking about this game, as in, whether he wants to go ahead with it. I have to say I love the idea of getting a little D&D into my dick play.

If you have played games with orgasm denial or chastity, I’d love to hear about your experience. What did you do, and what was it like for you and your partner?

Yay!(3)Meh(0)

A look back: 3 years

Bear and I started with orgasm denial some 3 years ago. What we do and how we do has changed in that time.

Bear got comfortable teasing me. He used to feel terrible about teasing me, and then denying me an orgasm. What kind of person does that? Turns out, a loving, giving kind of person. He’s completely comfortable now and loves teasing me and hearing me whimper. He’s good at knowing when I get close, and I’ve gotten good at letting him know when I get close.
Most of the time, now, when I make him come, he’ll get me close two or three times during it, then leave me hard and aching. I ain’t complaining, for sure. More to the point, I feel deeply grateful every time he does this to me. If gratitude is the secret to a happy life, I should be all set.

The amount of time between orgasms is slowly getting longer. It used to be one every 2 to 3 weeks. Then it was one every 6 to 7 weeks. And now – I don’t know. I don’t have enough data. When I last came, it was after 12 weeks and a bit, and I’m hoping I won’t come again this year. Only because the year started with multiple orgasms that I wasn’t allowed to have, and I feel like I have something to prove, here.

My attitude towards denial is changing. Or maybe I should say, my attitude towards failure is changing. “Failure is bad” is getting replaced with “experimentation and failure are good, they are part of learning”. Of course I want to be obedient and don’t want to fail. It’s more about the mindset I have when I do, inevitably, fail. And how I can use that failure productively.

Bear’s dislike of chastity devices hasn’t changed. His reasoning has solidified. A chastity device would “let you off the hook”, and he doesn’t want that. I am to do my best to obey, and struggle with being horny. If there’s a device in the way, my obedience is not as meaningful to him.

While there aren’t chastity devices in our play, and likely never will be, Bear did add things over time.
I am pierced now with a Prince Albert, which feels incredible. It’s also a reminder of our dynamic that makes me happy every time I look at it. Best thing that’s been done to my cock, ever.
I am wearing a cock ring while in the house, which I am to take off when I leave the house. I keep forgetting, and Bear keeps taking it away from me for that. He’s telling me I should make checking for the cock ring part of putting on the seat belt. That way I won’t forget to take it off. I’m confident that’ll work – eventually.
And I wear Bear’s collar whenever I can. Which is in the house, out of the house, but not for customer visits. I left it on a few times and got puzzled comments, so I’m erring on the side of “less bold accessorization” now. It’s a rope dog collar, so it’s not extremely obviously a BDSM thing.

 

Yay!(1)Meh(0)