Sir and pet

Since my last “here’s everything that happened since 2016” post, there’s been good progress. Bear told me that he wanted to talk about my being his pet again, since he felt awkward every time the topic came up. A few days later, we sat down and discussed it. He is now my Sir, and I am his pet. It’s been — I don’t even know how long since we last tried that. Over a decade, I think.

To fill that with life, we have some “touchpoints” throughout the day. Hitting them consistently is a team effort.

In the morning, while still in bed, we check in with each other, ask how each other’s night was, and make a point to touch.

I make breakfast for Bear and serve him coffee kneeling (and if the weather is warm enough, naked) – that’s not changed, we’ve been doing that.

We embrace before Bear goes to work.

When Bear comes back from work, we check in with each other, ask how each other’s day was.

In the evening, just before getting into bed, we embrace. Bear tells me “I share myself with you, pet” and I tell him “I give myself to you, Sir.”

Once we’re in bed, Bear checks in with me to ask me how I have been doing with orgasm control that day.

I love the emotional connection this gives us. The structure is incredibly helpful to deal with the fact that we both have jobs and sometimes busy lives and it’s easy to let D/s be swamped by the day-to-day. Having specific points in the day to reassure each other of our love for each other and our roles in the relationship is truly lovely.

Bear has made a point of telling me what he wants me to do that day. It’s becoming quite common for him to say something along the lines of “Make sure to pay this bill today, pet”; or “I want you to fix the button on this shirt for me, pet.” I’m thriving on it.

Our couples therapist, T., asked Bear why he wanted control, and he answered “to feel safe”. She cautioned Bear that having control and having control over someone are two very different things, and if dominance – “control over” – is not true to his self, going down that path will be dis-empowering, not empowering.

He’s still feeling his way along, for sure. He asked for my support, and he has it. We’re in this together. Regardless of where this leads. Bear may find that having “control over” is truly in his nature, or he may find that he just wants control to feel safe, and “control over” is not something that really works for him. Either outcome is fine. To get there, he’ll need to experience what “control over” feels like. So far he seems to like it. Yesterday, he told me he might want to pick my clothes for me, now and then.

Mistress Sky, who is helping us tremendously with D/s mentoring, told us in our last meeting with her that she doesn’t have a read yet on where Bear stands with regards to D/s, either. And then she went on to say that, although she’s only seen me for submissive training twice, she’s asked me to give myself to her both times, and I did, and hence I am a “true submissive.” I’ll leave the implications that there might be “false submissives” to the side. She also keeps telling us that “Sir and his pet are so beautiful together.”
The positive reinforcement is welcome, actually, even as I recognize it for what it is. She is sincere in what she says, and I can do with hearing that what I’m after is good and wholesome and desirable.

I’m feeling better right now than I have been in years. The daily emotional connection and daily touch fills a need, as does being the pet in a D/s relationship. I can’t rightly explain this, and – I don’t want to live in a completely equal partnership. I am so much happier when I have a partner I can give myself to. There’s a part of me still that says “you’re out of your gourd” – I am in my late 40s and quite capable, so what am I doing wanting to be someone’s pet? And I can’t deny that when I live as a submissive man, I am happy and fulfilled, and when I don’t, I am degrees of miserable.

How does that jive with me saying that whatever Bear’s truth is, I am good with it, and I want him to get to it? Simply by wanting him to feel empowered and happy, and accepting all possible outcomes for our relationship. If being Sir to my pet is not in his true nature, our relationship will change. It may, very likely, end in that case, as Bear is in no way okay with non-exclusive relationship arrangements. And if that’s what needs to happen so we can both live true to ourselves, then that will be more than okay: It’ll be necessary and good.

I do hope that’s not how this ends, of course, and that Bear is most true to himself by being dominant. That’d be amazing. Also, truthfully, the easiest way forward. A breakup after 18 years together would hurt, and might get quite messy.

On the orgasm control side of things, the daily check-ins and touchpoints help a lot. I find that I crave that positive reinforcement more than I crave orgasm. I want to hear that “good boy” from Bear at the end of the day. I’ve been edging (getting myself close to orgasm and then not coming), and yesterday, with my body wanting release oh-so-very-badly, my own voice pops into my head and says “No! No!” sharply, followed by “Be a good boy.” And I was, and stopped before I came; and when I later told Bear about it, he smiled and praised me. Ah. Bliss.

 

Yay!(0)Meh(0)

I ain’t dead yet

I’ve taken a serious break from blogging. I think it’s been over a year since I wrote here. We’re still around, stuff has been happening, and I’ll try and catch the Interwebs up on what’s been going on with my relationship, and my dick.

Someone was kind enough to leave me feedback:

It’s been more than four years. Can we get a quick update? I’m a straight male, but I so enjoy reading about your dynamic. Thanks!

That dynamic really is the core of why I’ve not been blogging. I’ve been increasingly frustrated with it. It always felt like I was just not “getting enough”, and then I second-guessed myself, and so it went. Part of my issue was that I had absolutely no-one to model M/s for me, at least not the type of M/s I have in mind. The team-based, collaborative kind, not the adversarial “beat up on the slave” kind.

For the tease and denial, I kept failing every few weeks or so, having a ruined orgasm without permission, and that brought me down, too.

Negative energy all around, and something needed to change for the better.

The below is going to be the short version. I won’t retell every moment of frustration or hope here.

Mistress Sky (she’s got a web presence) released her “Unequal Partnership” book in April. I read it, and I knew that this was what I wanted. I reached out to her asking her to mentor us in D/s, and Bear said he wanted a chance to read the book first. That took us to September before he was through with it, and we started talking to Mistress Sky.

It’s been a real eye-opener for me. For the first time, I have someone who can model M/s for me, and where I can learn what a good, functioning M/s relationship can look like.

In a nutshell, the leading partner or Master or Dominant or whatever you want to call that creates a framework, “holds” the implementing partner / submissive / slave, and is particularly invested in long-term planning and constantly checking the health of the relationship.

That is, in a nutshell, not Bear. I, at this point, just want him to get to his truth. If he wants to and can be that, I’d be ecstatic. If he can’t or won’t, I’ll love him no less for it – and I’ll have to figure out how I get my needs met, then.

We’ve had one couples session so far, Bear has had one session with her, I’ve had two “submissive training” sessions with her, and we have another couples session coming up.

She had us read another book, “Building the team” by Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny. It’s a gem, really full of wonderful ideas.

Out of that came Bear telling me that he had never understood what I meant by wanting to be equal partners and having a D/s relationship, but that he got it now, and that this was part of why he had always been so reluctant to commit to D/s. Now he tells me, 18 years in, right? Oy gevalt. And, positive thoughts, hope, it can only get better from here.
Edit: I want to add to this. The “oy gevalt” comes across as me being solely on the receiving end here. And I’m not. I’ve chosen to be with Christopher for 18 years, because I had things to learn, which I learned and am learning in that relationship. And I am looking forward to how our relationship will change, even as the prospect of change can be scary.

One of the slightly jarring things that came out of my last session with Mistress Sky was her flat-out stating that she could not teach Bear how to be a Master. He is standing in his own way, and until he moves past (or blasts through or whatever) and is able to be “fully present” – her expression for engaging emotionally without reservation – she won’t be able to teach him Mastery.

We’ll continue the couples sessions with Mistress Sky though, we’re seeing our vanilla therapist again, and I’m hopeful that Bear can get to me. He is my beloved and I am his, I have no doubts about that at all. He’ll just have to let himself step in front of the mountain of fear he has erected.

I’ll probably blog a little about the concepts Mistress Sky taught me, or will teach me, in my sessions with her. I’m not sure how much of it is still going to be submissive training while we work through relationship stuff. She tells me she wants to “continue to show up for” me, and I am immensely grateful for it.

She had us watch two TED talks by Dr. Brene Brown, and I am seeing the “shame” dynamic in particular everywhere right now. In our relationship, in our relation to our kids (heartbreaking, that), in Bear’s reactions to being questioned, in my own reaction to having trouble with a difficult task or being in a group of strangers. Shame shows up and says “you are not good enough” and “who do you think you are anyway”, and while those are not new concepts to me, right now I’m at a point where I can really hear this and can make changes based on it. I highly recommend watching these. One on vulnerability, and one on shame.

One of the concrete changes I’m making is that I will be clear in wanting to establish community. I never really engaged with the local D/s or kink community, despite sending out feelers, mainly because Bear was very reluctant. I am going to change that. Community is important. I’ll always invite Bear to be part of this, and I hope he will be. We’ll be at Bound in Boston and the Spring Flea, so if you’re going to either one of those and would like to say hi and connect, please do! I’m on Fetlife as “Schnoff”.

I’ve vowed to be better at communicating my needs, in a way that doesn’t set Bear off. I’m making progress. Mistress Sky is helping us with that.

Bear has been way more engaged in relating to me as his submissive partner than he ever has been in our time together. It’s making me happy and giving me a lot of hope. I’m calling him Sir way more often in response.

On the orgasm denial side of things, I’ve asked Bear to please help me out. Being obedient is something I can do for a few weeks, and then my willpower runs out, and I have a ruined orgasm. I said that a couple paragraphs ago, didn’t I.

To my delight, this time around, he said yes. He likes the idea of a chastity device, now. I’m over the moon. Imagine being able to obey and not needing super-Schnoffan willpower for it! I reached out to Dietmar and will be ordering a Securo-Cage 2, essentially a bell for the bell-end, just as soon as I can figure out exactly what I am supposed to be measuring, here.

I think that does for a quick catch-up. Lots of stuff happening. Lots of good stuff. Also scary stuff, because this puts the exact form our relationship will take up in the air. This change is good, though. Way better than me killing the relationship in pain and confusion and fear.

Yay!(1)Meh(0)

August

August’s been a month of changes. For starters, Bear wants me to write a monthly recap. And he’ll do a bit of fetish photography each month, which is a hobby he’s been wanting to get into but that daily life always seems to get in the way of.

I’ve been wearing the collar Bear picked out for me a lot. Has it only been two weeks since that arrived? I have been wearing it most every day. It comes off when we have guests or leave the house, and Bear puts it back on me sometime during the evening, sometimes earlier. When the snap closes, I feel submission settling over me like a mantle. Our relationship is evolving, and I think the collar plays a big role.

Bear is unconcerned with our daughter seeing me in the collar, and she has not asked about it. I think Bear’s more relaxed attitude has a lot to do with our daughter having turned 18 earlier in the year.

She has in recent months expressed curiosity about our private lives, by exclaiming “I don’t want to know!” I’m respecting her and our right to privacy, and am not volunteering. Last year, she had asked me once why I brought breakfast to Bear every day. I explained that I did that because both Bear and I enjoyed it, and that it gave us a chance to be together for a moment in the morning before our busy lives take us out of the house for the day. All of which is true. Saying any more than that would have been out of line, I feel. That said, I’m sure she has connected the dots by now.

I had asked Bear, after he had gotten me the collar, how he felt about seeing it on me. He said he wasn’t quite ready to share. Fair enough. I in turn was feeling things wearing the collar, and wasn’t quite ready to share yet, either.

A week or so later, Bear told me that we “needed to figure out” what the collar meant. I thought “to figure out” was an active process, and so I started asking a bunch of questions, and annoyed Bear with that.

The next day, I picked back up: But with a different tack. “What does “to figure out” mean?” I asked Bear. “Is that an active process or a passive one?”
I didn’t get my meaning through immediately, and got a “what, more questions?” reaction. With some perseverance, I managed to tell Bear what I meant. For me, “to figure out” is very active. It means, in this context, to explore by talking. It turns out what Bear meant by it was to “sit with it and see how it feels,” a more passive and introspective process. Which is fine by me. Years ago, I couldn’t have asked the right question, and would probably have been upset that Bear wanted to figure something out and then was not willing to talk. Now, at least I knew not to assume that my reading of “to figure out” is identical to Bear’s.

Dog Collar

No, that’s not my collar :).

I feel more submissive when wearing Bear’s collar. It’s a constant presence, and a very powerful symbol. It’s snug around my neck, with a little more than one finger’s width of play. When my neck muscles contract, the collar offers resistance. And so, I may feel a warm submissive glow at the oddest of times, such as when eating lunch: Because the movement of my neck muscles while chewing and swallowing means the collar “grips” me around the throat. When Bear grips me around the throat, I melt in a puddle of submissive goo. This is but a faint shadow of that – and a powerful reminder.

Bear has become more demanding and commanding. Shortly after the collar arrived, he gave me some simple commands – “undress me”, “suck me off”, “strip for me.” I enjoyed it greatly and obeyed with as much grace as I could muster. After, Bear wanted reassurance: He asked me whether it was okay that he was demanding. I laughed. It’s more than okay. It’s wonderful. It’s what I want.

I asked Bear whether he wanted a verbal acknowledgement of his commands. He said yes, he would like that. So now, when he commands me, I reply with “Yes, Sir.” That’s new. I had not been allowed to address Bear as “Sir” or “Master” before. He’s enjoying the “Sir”.  For me, it’s a learning curve. Sometimes I will forget to acknowledge a command and simply obey wordlessly. That will come with time.

In the past, Bear insisted that he was not my Master, mainly because of our failed attempt at D/s 14 years or so ago. At the same time that me saying “you are not my Master” when we were discussing our relationship gave him a jolt. I asked Bear how he stood with that now. He says he’s “evolving.”

We’ve discussed marking me permanently. Bear thinks a PA is hot, and impractical. He doesn’t like the risk of urinary track infections, and the fact that it would change the way I piss. He thinks a frenum piercing may be more practical. All of that is just idle discussion right now.

Bear told me it was “too bad” that I couldn’t wear the collar while at work. I’ve been giving that some thought. A somewhat-practical idea would be to dress more conservatively: A shirt with a wider-than-necessary collar and a tie. A more practical idea may be a metal collar that looks like jewelry. He likes the “Talena” neck ring, and pointed out that we can’t afford it right now.

I’ve always been free to expose myself to Bear whenever I wanted. I really enjoy seeing his hand on my cock, not just feeling it there. The last time I folded the covers back, Bear told me that this felt odd to him. He wanted me to ask for permission to “present yourself”, as he put it. So I put the covers back in place and asked for permission: “May I present myself, Sir?”

This was difficult for me. I felt a momentary resistance to acting that way. It’s more submissive, and more humbling, than what I have been used to. A part of me really didn’t want to go there. I have had occasion to ask for permission to present myself a few times since, and it’s getting easier bit by bit. If I were to take a grand view – and boy am I prone to do that – I’d say I was molding myself into a more submissive husband.

I’ve been struggling with feeling horny and needy all the time. I’ll have an erection several times a day, and when Bear touches my chest or belly, I’ll get hard. That’s usually as far as it goes, and I am left with an aching need to be teased. This isn’t new, but for some reason, I’ve been having a harder time than usual with the concept of it, with the thought that this is my normal state. That feeling sated and not horny is going to be a rare exception once every few months, and not last longer than half an hour, maybe a few hours tops. It’s humbling to be at Bear’s mercy for pleasure, and to be that desperate for any attention and touch he may give me. The “thunder shirt” helps.

Full circle then to the beginning of the post: How do we both feel about the collar, now that it’s been on me for 3 weeks or so?

Bear says that I act noticeably more submissive towards him when I wear the collar, and that he enjoys that. Also, the collar makes him feel less awkward when he gives me a command.

I feel like I have closure, finally. As I’ve mentioned a few times in this blog, we tried an Owner / pet relationship when we first met. We had a collaring ceremony, and then we moved together, and it didn’t work out. Bear didn’t know what to do with a collared husband, and I felt hurt and neglected, and I didn’t know how to communicate that, nor did Bear know how to hear me, or how to talk about his own struggles. We’ve worked through this, we’ve had years of relationship therapy and learned how to talk openly and vulnerably with each other. I’ve forgiven Bear, and he says he has felt forgiven for about a year, now.

And, I didn’t have closure, not fully, until now. What we are building now is the kind of relationship I have wanted all along. I feel like Bear is fulfilling the promise he made to me 14 years ago. And that gives me closure. I can finally let go of the old hurt. I love how this phase of our relationship feels, and I revel in every challenging moment when I learn to submit more deeply to Bear.

We are not Master and pet. And I predict we will be, as Bear is “evolving” and as I learn to submit, and as we figure out what “Master and pet” means to us, now.

Yay!(1)Meh(0)

Disobedience as service. Say what?

One other thing I did this past weekend was to, quite deliberately, go against Bear’s wishes.

I had taken some downtime during the weekend, and time in the morning, to upgrade Bear’s PC to Windows 8.1, from Windows 7. The upgrade went well, but somewhere along the line his sound card acquired the most godawful hum.

I knew this was a hardware problem. I knew I had to get in there to fix it. And, Bear’s PC was on a small table by his desk, with a printer wedged in there, and a bunch of paper and stuff piled all around.  There was no way I was going to fix it while it was in there. The cables at the back were bunching up against the wall, it was sitting at an angle propped up partially by the printer, with bottom airflow obstructed.

So I moved all of that out of there, at something like 8 in the evening. Everything under Bear’s desk, and everything to the side of Bear’s desk, creating a godawful mess in the middle of the floor. I knew he wouldn’t like this. He had talked about cleaning this area up for a while now, and as with several previous weekends, it hadn’t happened this weekend.

Bear came upon this and asked me whether that couldn’t have waited, and he was going to do it this weekend. He was annoyed. I told him that in order to fix his PC, I needed to tackle this now.

Once I had the PC out of there, fixing the sound card turned out to be a simple matter of taking it out, re-soldering the stressed power connector, and putting it back in.

I was feeling quite stressed. I didn’t want to incur Bear’s displeasure, but I had seen no good way out of this without doing so. Short of waiting for another undetermined length of time until I could get at the PC, and I wasn’t prepared to do that.

Once the PC was working again, with the mess still in the middle of the floor, I knelt before Bear and explained that I was sorry that I went against his wishes. I knew I had. I had done it because I believed that going against his wishes was the best way I could serve him, right now. And that if he felt that this needed to result in a consequence, I was going to accept that.

Then I set to cleaning up the mess I had created, with Bear’s help as to what could be tossed, what recycled or given away, and what was to be kept. Halfway through I asked him, with some anxiety, whether he accepted my apology. “Can I leave you hanging on that?” he said, with a bit of a twinkle in his eye.

Of course he could. An hour later, when the mess was taken care of and we were getting ready for bed, he told me he accepted my apology, and no further consequences would be coming.

One change I notice in my own behavior is that half a year ago, I probably would have also tackled this without Bear’s say-so, but I’d then have gotten into an argument about it with him, likely full of references to how long that area had remained cluttered, with shots fired back about my own cluttered desk, and so forth and so tiresome.
Now, I still did what I felt I had to do. But without accusations, but rather an apology and being prepared to accept the consequences of my action, should there have been any.

I don’t want to repeat that performance. In the same situation, I’d do so again, but I will aim to not let things get to such a head where I feel I have no choice but to go against Bear’s express wishes.

Two days later, by the way, Bear seems quite happy that this task is now done. As I am typing this, he’s chasing the dog through the house with a little mini-copter that was unearthed while going through that pile.

If you read this and you are in a D/s dynamic of some kind: How would you have acted in this situation, on either side of that dynamic?

Yay!(0)Meh(0)

Long Distance Chastity

I got to emailing with a member on Fetlife about my experiences with chastity over a distance. With her permission, I am posting that exchange here.

What occurred to me after that exchange, because I am slow like that, is that “long distance” is convenient short-hand that really needs to be unpacked to understand where someone is at in their relationship and play. In our case, we were long distance on opposite sides of an ocean, and saw each other every 6 months. And “long distance” can also be a relationship on opposite sides of a city, with a one or two hour ride between. Or anything really that’s not “right next to each other”.

Which is to say: If you want to try chastity over a distance, go for it. Your experience will vary from mine.

H:

I’m pretty new to all this so if you don’t mind I would really love to hear from someone who’s tried the long distance thing, even though it didn’t work for you, if you don’t mind. What were the issues that came up?

Schnoff:

Really, what happened was simple, and predictable.

For starters, to put this into context, I was touch-starved at the time. I hadn’t had a live-in relationship ever, a minimum of sex, and I was 28. So, the “sad geek” factor had a lot to do with it :).

I wasn’t happy with being horny, and not allowed to come, and not receiving any physical attention on top of it. For me, touch and tease is vital: It let’s me know that I am loved, beyond rational thought, on a purely “body” level.
Since I wasn’t getting that, and I couldn’t give myself release through orgasm, I was growing resentful.

When I did, inevitably, come without permission, my partner became discouraged and disappointed. So he didn’t get a warm and fuzzy out of it either, and he grew resentful: He needs to be obeyed.

There was no way this was ever going to work long distance. Well, that, and there was a lot of other stuff too that didn’t work in the relationship, which could not possibly be figured out until we lived together. We’re still figuring some of it out, 14 years later. It’s definitely much better, and we both enjoy tease&denial play now.

We started this back up a bit over a year ago. For about a year, it sort of worked – I’d still come without permission maybe once a month or so, and that bothered Bear more than he let on. What finally worked, and this, too, is entirely personal and may not translate, is that I figured out that it is very hard, to the point of “almost impossible” for me to come without direct stimulation of the frenum. Once I knew that, I could modify my behavior: Yes, play with my dick, but leave the frenum alone.
I figured that out in August, and orgasm control has been working well for us ever since. I used to come about every 10 days (with permission), now it’s about every 3 to 6 weeks. Bear seems to want these longer periods, and now that he can be confident that I will obey, we’re both happy with the arrangement.

There are so many variables here that are specific to just the way Bear and I live our relationship. Starting with the fact that we both kink on obedience, not direct control, so that our way of enjoying this kink is deviceless. “With device” is going to be different. Though feelings of resentment in the absence of teasing are common, I am told.

H:

I completely understand what you mean about the ‘touch-starved’ feeling and I can see how chastity, combined with that, could be a bad time. It was actually my boy who suggested denial, so I’m hoping it’ll work out, but if it doesn’t I’m not going to be angry with him, right now it’s just something we’re trying out.

I’m glad you guys managed to figure something out, I think what I need to take away from this is that it’s important to make him feel appreciated physically even when he’s locked up.

What I am reading

Hard-wired differences in the brains of men and women. A note of caution: This is one study, with 950 participants. We know connections between neurons change with experience. This experiment does not establish causality: Is the behavior shaped by the connections, or are the connections shaped by the behavior? Nature vs. Nurture, and the answer may well be that there’s a feedback loop here somewhere. Living things seem to thrive on feedback loops. http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/the-hardwired-difference-between-male-and-female-brains-could-explain-why-men-are-better-at-map-reading-8978248.html

Research that shows that memories can be passed on genetically. Not through DNA itself, but through the “sheath” around DNA that controls gene expression. The results are more specific than anything seen before: A fear of the smell of cherry blossoms was passed on to the offspring of mice. More research needed, for sure – and a fascinating start. http://www.spring.org.uk/2013/12/fearful-memories-passed-between-generations-through-genetic-code.php

 

Yay!(0)Meh(0)

Submission: Better with chastity

I want to come. I prefer not to. I think I’m better off when I don’t, on balance.

After the last time I came (after 5 weeks and 5 days, for those of us completely obsessed with counting time), I started thinking about whether chastity made me a “better submissive.”

Certainly, chastity makes submission better for me. It takes me about 4 days to get back to a place where I have at least a background buzz of sexual arousal going on most if not all the time. This makes serving Bear more pleasant for me, and it makes going through my day more pleasant for me. Peaks of desperate arousal included, which seem to happen more during the first two weeks after orgasm.

That’s not the same as “a better submissive”, though. The only yard stick for that is Bear. So I asked him: Am I a “better submissive” when I am denied? Because there’s nothing I like quite so much when denied than talking about my denial. Well, or, truthfully, being teased. That’s better. But still, talking ranks pretty high up there.

Bear’s answer was: “Yes. You’re more eager to please me when you’re denied.”

I was glad to hear it. I had thought that was the case, and it’s good to get affirmation.

I feel I should take a short detour here. The entire idea of a “good” or “better” submissive is entirely subjective, and, at least in my world, can only be judged from one perspective: That of the dominant partner. If your dominant tells you you’re doing good, then you are. On the Interwebs at least, there is a (vocal) subgroup of people that will declare what does and does not a submissive make. Who believe they can chime in on whether you can call yourself slave, or whatever other title floats your houseboat. Who believe they can make distinctions between those who are real, because, for example, they would allow their hair to be shorn, and those who are simply posers in for their own gratification. All while asserting that they do not, in any way, advocate a “One True Way.”

Screw all that. Your relationship is the only yardstick that counts. If you’re happy, and your dominant tells you you’re doing great, then you are the best damn submissive you could possibly be.

Right, off the soapbox again. That wasn’t very sexy, but it may come in handy to someone stumbling over this blog: So I’d rather put it there than leave it implied.

I am glad Bear is into chastity, and kept insisting on making this part of our relationship, even when it didn’t really work for a year. I am glad that what we’re doing now is working: No orgasms that Bear didn’t explicitly give permission for, since early August. (Though, the whole “prostate milking” thing, more on that in a bit.) I enjoy chastity in our relationship, and I want that to remain a part of it. If it wasn’t, I’d miss it greatly.

“Prostate milking”, at least with a vibrator, is off the table again. I had originally suggested it, because of concern for prostate health, and I’m not comfortable with how it turns out in practice. While I don’t experience a full orgasm in any way, there is a refractory period after I ejaculate. And there is a period of lessened desire, which can last a few days.
That’s far too close to “coming without permission” for me to be comfortable. No more of that.

I am planning on getting an njoy pure wand, for the pleasure as well as regular prostate massage. I still want to be healthy. Given that the few studies on prostate health and ejaculation link very frequent ejaculation to increased prostate health, and that even with “milking”, I wouldn’t ejaculate more often than every 10-14 days, I am on balance not convinced it’s going to make a difference to my health. Prostate massage has been shown to make a difference, and that I (hope) I can do easily without even getting close to breaking our agreement.

And now it’s time for me to make Bear’s breakfast. Eagerly.

 

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Navel Gazing

It’s not all Sexy Fun Times at Bear & Schnoff’s, all the time. Bear has been out for the count since I came back from my trip, some type of cold. So, some teasing, but not much else in the way of sex, and a lot of chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese and clearing the daughter’s hair ball out of the sink and washing the (supremely reluctant) dog and time to blog about the harder stuff.

What I did not mention in my first post is that before the fun play time, we had a very difficult moment. I had become frustrated over the course of our vacation: Frustrated that Bear cannot keep up with me, because he does not have my energy levels1. That meant we did not do as much together as I would have liked, from hiking to, yes, of course, rope and sex; and it meant that I was increasingly grumbling to myself and dismayed that “everything takes 2 to 3 times as long as it really should.”

And so, towards the end of our vacation, I expressed my frustration, and my doubt that I “can make this relationship work.” When I talk like that, it hurts Bear, and he cried. He promised he’d work out with me, and do what he could to help me control clutter in our home, another long-standing cause of stress for me.

And then we had make-up sex, I suppose you can call it, and it was great.

We have been back in couples counseling since earlier this year. So, back home, when we saw our counselor, Bear expressed his frustration that I am impatient, and always ten steps ahead of him when walking, even when he is passing people. And I got incredibly technical about it all, about the ratio of my steps to his, and yeah, that was as ludicrous as it sounds.

And as I relate the story of why I am walking so fast, something that has been staring me in the face for a decade hit me: When Bear doesn’t keep up with me – be that walking, or really, any other activity at all – then I believed, deep down, that this was “because he didn’t love me enough.” And as I let that realization sink in, it was my time to cry – sob, really, for the kid I was and the bullshit that kid had to put up with. And for the way I have, myself, perpetuated that hurtful bullshit, as we are wont to do. Family relationship issues get passed down through the generations, they become family stories that repeat themselves over and over again. I have known this, intellectually, for three decades. That I was, still, blind to a big family relationship issue of my own is no surprise.

This realization, now a bit over a week old, is at the root of many of the changes in our relationship. I am grieving for the kid I was. He needs some hugs, badly. And I can be more patient with Bear, which in turn allows him to be more tender and loving towards me, allows him to give me the frequent touch I so crave. Being touched is how I know, beyond words and reason, that I am loved. I feel like a part of me that I had held tightly compressed is slowly unwinding, and the changes that brings go beyond our relationship. For example, I have always been impatient with music. I would listen to music maybe once every few months. Now, I find myself drawn to music – particularly soulful, emotional music – every other day or so.

Now and then in “BDSM circles”, I come across people who try to use kinky sex and play as an alternative form of therapy, in a cathartic sort of way. I firmly believe that this is entirely the wrong way around and incredibly risky, at best, and actively harmful, at worst.

Learning to communicate openly and vulnerably with each other, and the intimacy that brings, enables us to explore D/s more fully. It’s the strength and emotional intimacy of our relationship as equal partners that enables us to be unequal in parts of that relationship, enables the D/s overlay.

On a silly note to offset all that seriousness: This made me smile. A bona fide, genu-wine bar chart tracking hornyness over time. The geek in me that constantly obsesses over “how long it’s been” can totally relate. Envisioning someone entering “the data” into Excel makes me giggle way too much. Easily amused, that’s me.

 

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  1. Caused by a combination of barely controlled Crohn’s Disease, being heavily overweight, and being severely deconditioned