4 submissive concepts

I am in “submissive training” or, probably more accurately and less formally, in “submissive mentoring” with Mistress Sky, and she taught me 4 submissive concepts during our first session together. I find them immensely useful, more so as the weeks go by, and wanted to share.

Being alert. Specifically, being aware of my surroundings, and noticing things that might benefit Bear, and thus us. And then taking action on that, not being shy. That might be noticing something that I think Bear may like, and making him aware of it. That might be noticing something that can be improved in our household or our lives, and doing something about it.
– I can get a whole lot better at this. This will be a constant opportunity for improving myself.

Honesty. Not so much the dictionary definition of “don’t tell a lie,” but showing my true inner self, honestly. That takes a ton of trust, and feeling safe enough to do that. In some cases, the “true inner self” can surprise the submissive, once it comes out.
– I’d say we’re doing well here. No surprises yet, though. Who knows what’s in store.

In the first instance. To react to Bear’s dominant energy with my own submissive energy, first and foremost. He tosses the ball, I toss it back. To give a concrete example, say Bear orders me to get him a drink. First and foremost, “yes Sir.” And then, if needed, “what kind of drink”, or “I’m in the middle of something, can it wait 2 minutes”, or whatever other minutiae and questions may come up. But first, react submissively to my dominant partner.
– Oh dear, “in the first instance”. I am so so good at analyzing and picking apart and thinking it through, I really struggle with this. And I am getting better at this. I enjoy the opportunity to practice.

Being fully present. To give my full attention, for sure, but more than that. To be fully present emotionally. To connect with Bear from the heart, to hold nothing back. To be emotional first, analytical and in the head second.
– I’m pretty happy with where I’m at here. There’s room for growth to be sure. When I feel myself growing distant from Bear, I recall this and see that I can use a small gesture or turn of phrase to bring us closer together again.

I hope these can be as useful to you as they are to me. If they help you, leave a comment and let me know how it went!


Sir and pet

Since my last “here’s everything that happened since 2016” post, there’s been good progress. Bear told me that he wanted to talk about my being his pet again, since he felt awkward every time the topic came up. A few days later, we sat down and discussed it. He is now my Sir, and I am his pet. It’s been — I don’t even know how long since we last tried that. Over a decade, I think.

To fill that with life, we have some “touchpoints” throughout the day. Hitting them consistently is a team effort.

In the morning, while still in bed, we check in with each other, ask how each other’s night was, and make a point to touch.

I make breakfast for Bear and serve him coffee kneeling (and if the weather is warm enough, naked) – that’s not changed, we’ve been doing that.

We embrace before Bear goes to work.

When Bear comes back from work, we check in with each other, ask how each other’s day was.

In the evening, just before getting into bed, we embrace. Bear tells me “I share myself with you, pet” and I tell him “I give myself to you, Sir.”

Once we’re in bed, Bear checks in with me to ask me how I have been doing with orgasm control that day.

I love the emotional connection this gives us. The structure is incredibly helpful to deal with the fact that we both have jobs and sometimes busy lives and it’s easy to let D/s be swamped by the day-to-day. Having specific points in the day to reassure each other of our love for each other and our roles in the relationship is truly lovely.

Bear has made a point of telling me what he wants me to do that day. It’s becoming quite common for him to say something along the lines of “Make sure to pay this bill today, pet”; or “I want you to fix the button on this shirt for me, pet.” I’m thriving on it.

Our couples therapist, T., asked Bear why he wanted control, and he answered “to feel safe”. She cautioned Bear that having control and having control over someone are two very different things, and if dominance – “control over” – is not true to his self, going down that path will be dis-empowering, not empowering.

He’s still feeling his way along, for sure. He asked for my support, and he has it. We’re in this together. Regardless of where this leads. Bear may find that having “control over” is truly in his nature, or he may find that he just wants control to feel safe, and “control over” is not something that really works for him. Either outcome is fine. To get there, he’ll need to experience what “control over” feels like. So far he seems to like it. Yesterday, he told me he might want to pick my clothes for me, now and then.

Mistress Sky, who is helping us tremendously with D/s mentoring, told us in our last meeting with her that she doesn’t have a read yet on where Bear stands with regards to D/s, either. And then she went on to say that, although she’s only seen me for submissive training twice, she’s asked me to give myself to her both times, and I did, and hence I am a “true submissive.” I’ll leave the implications that there might be “false submissives” to the side. She also keeps telling us that “Sir and his pet are so beautiful together.”
The positive reinforcement is welcome, actually, even as I recognize it for what it is. She is sincere in what she says, and I can do with hearing that what I’m after is good and wholesome and desirable.

I’m feeling better right now than I have been in years. The daily emotional connection and daily touch fills a need, as does being the pet in a D/s relationship. I can’t rightly explain this, and – I don’t want to live in a completely equal partnership. I am so much happier when I have a partner I can give myself to. There’s a part of me still that says “you’re out of your gourd” – I am in my late 40s and quite capable, so what am I doing wanting to be someone’s pet? And I can’t deny that when I live as a submissive man, I am happy and fulfilled, and when I don’t, I am degrees of miserable.

How does that jive with me saying that whatever Bear’s truth is, I am good with it, and I want him to get to it? Simply by wanting him to feel empowered and happy, and accepting all possible outcomes for our relationship. If being Sir to my pet is not in his true nature, our relationship will change. It may, very likely, end in that case, as Bear is in no way okay with non-exclusive relationship arrangements. And if that’s what needs to happen so we can both live true to ourselves, then that will be more than okay: It’ll be necessary and good.

I do hope that’s not how this ends, of course, and that Bear is most true to himself by being dominant. That’d be amazing. Also, truthfully, the easiest way forward. A breakup after 18 years together would hurt, and might get quite messy.

On the orgasm control side of things, the daily check-ins and touchpoints help a lot. I find that I crave that positive reinforcement more than I crave orgasm. I want to hear that “good boy” from Bear at the end of the day. I’ve been edging (getting myself close to orgasm and then not coming), and yesterday, with my body wanting release oh-so-very-badly, my own voice pops into my head and says “No! No!” sharply, followed by “Be a good boy.” And I was, and stopped before I came; and when I later told Bear about it, he smiled and praised me. Ah. Bliss.




August’s been a month of changes. For starters, Bear wants me to write a monthly recap. And he’ll do a bit of fetish photography each month, which is a hobby he’s been wanting to get into but that daily life always seems to get in the way of.

I’ve been wearing the collar Bear picked out for me a lot. Has it only been two weeks since that arrived? I have been wearing it most every day. It comes off when we have guests or leave the house, and Bear puts it back on me sometime during the evening, sometimes earlier. When the snap closes, I feel submission settling over me like a mantle. Our relationship is evolving, and I think the collar plays a big role.

Bear is unconcerned with our daughter seeing me in the collar, and she has not asked about it. I think Bear’s more relaxed attitude has a lot to do with our daughter having turned 18 earlier in the year.

She has in recent months expressed curiosity about our private lives, by exclaiming “I don’t want to know!” I’m respecting her and our right to privacy, and am not volunteering. Last year, she had asked me once why I brought breakfast to Bear every day. I explained that I did that because both Bear and I enjoyed it, and that it gave us a chance to be together for a moment in the morning before our busy lives take us out of the house for the day. All of which is true. Saying any more than that would have been out of line, I feel. That said, I’m sure she has connected the dots by now.

I had asked Bear, after he had gotten me the collar, how he felt about seeing it on me. He said he wasn’t quite ready to share. Fair enough. I in turn was feeling things wearing the collar, and wasn’t quite ready to share yet, either.

A week or so later, Bear told me that we “needed to figure out” what the collar meant. I thought “to figure out” was an active process, and so I started asking a bunch of questions, and annoyed Bear with that.

The next day, I picked back up: But with a different tack. “What does “to figure out” mean?” I asked Bear. “Is that an active process or a passive one?”
I didn’t get my meaning through immediately, and got a “what, more questions?” reaction. With some perseverance, I managed to tell Bear what I meant. For me, “to figure out” is very active. It means, in this context, to explore by talking. It turns out what Bear meant by it was to “sit with it and see how it feels,” a more passive and introspective process. Which is fine by me. Years ago, I couldn’t have asked the right question, and would probably have been upset that Bear wanted to figure something out and then was not willing to talk. Now, at least I knew not to assume that my reading of “to figure out” is identical to Bear’s.

Dog Collar

No, that’s not my collar :).

I feel more submissive when wearing Bear’s collar. It’s a constant presence, and a very powerful symbol. It’s snug around my neck, with a little more than one finger’s width of play. When my neck muscles contract, the collar offers resistance. And so, I may feel a warm submissive glow at the oddest of times, such as when eating lunch: Because the movement of my neck muscles while chewing and swallowing means the collar “grips” me around the throat. When Bear grips me around the throat, I melt in a puddle of submissive goo. This is but a faint shadow of that – and a powerful reminder.

Bear has become more demanding and commanding. Shortly after the collar arrived, he gave me some simple commands – “undress me”, “suck me off”, “strip for me.” I enjoyed it greatly and obeyed with as much grace as I could muster. After, Bear wanted reassurance: He asked me whether it was okay that he was demanding. I laughed. It’s more than okay. It’s wonderful. It’s what I want.

I asked Bear whether he wanted a verbal acknowledgement of his commands. He said yes, he would like that. So now, when he commands me, I reply with “Yes, Sir.” That’s new. I had not been allowed to address Bear as “Sir” or “Master” before. He’s enjoying the “Sir”.  For me, it’s a learning curve. Sometimes I will forget to acknowledge a command and simply obey wordlessly. That will come with time.

In the past, Bear insisted that he was not my Master, mainly because of our failed attempt at D/s 14 years or so ago. At the same time that me saying “you are not my Master” when we were discussing our relationship gave him a jolt. I asked Bear how he stood with that now. He says he’s “evolving.”

We’ve discussed marking me permanently. Bear thinks a PA is hot, and impractical. He doesn’t like the risk of urinary track infections, and the fact that it would change the way I piss. He thinks a frenum piercing may be more practical. All of that is just idle discussion right now.

Bear told me it was “too bad” that I couldn’t wear the collar while at work. I’ve been giving that some thought. A somewhat-practical idea would be to dress more conservatively: A shirt with a wider-than-necessary collar and a tie. A more practical idea may be a metal collar that looks like jewelry. He likes the “Talena” neck ring, and pointed out that we can’t afford it right now.

I’ve always been free to expose myself to Bear whenever I wanted. I really enjoy seeing his hand on my cock, not just feeling it there. The last time I folded the covers back, Bear told me that this felt odd to him. He wanted me to ask for permission to “present yourself”, as he put it. So I put the covers back in place and asked for permission: “May I present myself, Sir?”

This was difficult for me. I felt a momentary resistance to acting that way. It’s more submissive, and more humbling, than what I have been used to. A part of me really didn’t want to go there. I have had occasion to ask for permission to present myself a few times since, and it’s getting easier bit by bit. If I were to take a grand view – and boy am I prone to do that – I’d say I was molding myself into a more submissive husband.

I’ve been struggling with feeling horny and needy all the time. I’ll have an erection several times a day, and when Bear touches my chest or belly, I’ll get hard. That’s usually as far as it goes, and I am left with an aching need to be teased. This isn’t new, but for some reason, I’ve been having a harder time than usual with the concept of it, with the thought that this is my normal state. That feeling sated and not horny is going to be a rare exception once every few months, and not last longer than half an hour, maybe a few hours tops. It’s humbling to be at Bear’s mercy for pleasure, and to be that desperate for any attention and touch he may give me. The “thunder shirt” helps.

Full circle then to the beginning of the post: How do we both feel about the collar, now that it’s been on me for 3 weeks or so?

Bear says that I act noticeably more submissive towards him when I wear the collar, and that he enjoys that. Also, the collar makes him feel less awkward when he gives me a command.

I feel like I have closure, finally. As I’ve mentioned a few times in this blog, we tried an Owner / pet relationship when we first met. We had a collaring ceremony, and then we moved together, and it didn’t work out. Bear didn’t know what to do with a collared husband, and I felt hurt and neglected, and I didn’t know how to communicate that, nor did Bear know how to hear me, or how to talk about his own struggles. We’ve worked through this, we’ve had years of relationship therapy and learned how to talk openly and vulnerably with each other. I’ve forgiven Bear, and he says he has felt forgiven for about a year, now.

And, I didn’t have closure, not fully, until now. What we are building now is the kind of relationship I have wanted all along. I feel like Bear is fulfilling the promise he made to me 14 years ago. And that gives me closure. I can finally let go of the old hurt. I love how this phase of our relationship feels, and I revel in every challenging moment when I learn to submit more deeply to Bear.

We are not Master and pet. And I predict we will be, as Bear is “evolving” and as I learn to submit, and as we figure out what “Master and pet” means to us, now.


Disobedience as service. Say what?

One other thing I did this past weekend was to, quite deliberately, go against Bear’s wishes.

I had taken some downtime during the weekend, and time in the morning, to upgrade Bear’s PC to Windows 8.1, from Windows 7. The upgrade went well, but somewhere along the line his sound card acquired the most godawful hum.

I knew this was a hardware problem. I knew I had to get in there to fix it. And, Bear’s PC was on a small table by his desk, with a printer wedged in there, and a bunch of paper and stuff piled all around.  There was no way I was going to fix it while it was in there. The cables at the back were bunching up against the wall, it was sitting at an angle propped up partially by the printer, with bottom airflow obstructed.

So I moved all of that out of there, at something like 8 in the evening. Everything under Bear’s desk, and everything to the side of Bear’s desk, creating a godawful mess in the middle of the floor. I knew he wouldn’t like this. He had talked about cleaning this area up for a while now, and as with several previous weekends, it hadn’t happened this weekend.

Bear came upon this and asked me whether that couldn’t have waited, and he was going to do it this weekend. He was annoyed. I told him that in order to fix his PC, I needed to tackle this now.

Once I had the PC out of there, fixing the sound card turned out to be a simple matter of taking it out, re-soldering the stressed power connector, and putting it back in.

I was feeling quite stressed. I didn’t want to incur Bear’s displeasure, but I had seen no good way out of this without doing so. Short of waiting for another undetermined length of time until I could get at the PC, and I wasn’t prepared to do that.

Once the PC was working again, with the mess still in the middle of the floor, I knelt before Bear and explained that I was sorry that I went against his wishes. I knew I had. I had done it because I believed that going against his wishes was the best way I could serve him, right now. And that if he felt that this needed to result in a consequence, I was going to accept that.

Then I set to cleaning up the mess I had created, with Bear’s help as to what could be tossed, what recycled or given away, and what was to be kept. Halfway through I asked him, with some anxiety, whether he accepted my apology. “Can I leave you hanging on that?” he said, with a bit of a twinkle in his eye.

Of course he could. An hour later, when the mess was taken care of and we were getting ready for bed, he told me he accepted my apology, and no further consequences would be coming.

One change I notice in my own behavior is that half a year ago, I probably would have also tackled this without Bear’s say-so, but I’d then have gotten into an argument about it with him, likely full of references to how long that area had remained cluttered, with shots fired back about my own cluttered desk, and so forth and so tiresome.
Now, I still did what I felt I had to do. But without accusations, but rather an apology and being prepared to accept the consequences of my action, should there have been any.

I don’t want to repeat that performance. In the same situation, I’d do so again, but I will aim to not let things get to such a head where I feel I have no choice but to go against Bear’s express wishes.

Two days later, by the way, Bear seems quite happy that this task is now done. As I am typing this, he’s chasing the dog through the house with a little mini-copter that was unearthed while going through that pile.

If you read this and you are in a D/s dynamic of some kind: How would you have acted in this situation, on either side of that dynamic?


Freedom porn

It’s been a pleasant 4th of July weekend. There were steaks (overdone), burgers (just right), yard work, we had the daughter’s boyfriend over and played with the dog (the actual dog, I should clarify). And somewhere in there, we also found time to be frisky.

I had knelt sometime Friday and asked Bear whether he wanted some dog play (not with the actual dog, thank you very much). To my delight, he had said yes. I was thinking “Sunday”, since that was the most likely day to give us some time. Bear was horny Saturday afternoon, and I wasn’t clean, and he wasn’t in the mood for waiting around. He handed me the lube and told me to get him off by rubbing my cock against his.

“Oh boy,” I said, not really thinking.
Bear raised an eyebrow. “Why ‘oh boy’?” he inquired.
“I get so excited,” I explained, possibly a little bashfully.
“If you get close, you have permission to take your cock out and keep stroking me until you’re cooled down again a bit,” Bear said.

“Thank you,” I said, with heartfelt relief in my voice. I didn’t want to come, not quite yet. I straddled Bear, applied plenty of lube, and started stroking away. This is a lot of fun for me. I get to see Bear’s face and the pleasure playing across it, and I get to feel his dick in my hand and mine sliding against it, and I get to have Bear tell me how great my dick feels against his. Only, I get so very excited. This time was no exception, and as Bear was nearing his orgasm, I was nearing mine. I made an effort to really focus on his pleasure, and let mine just flow through me, trying not to dwell overly on whether I would get too close before he came. I didn’t want to change up the rhythm so close to his release. I know he just wants “more of the same” when he’s that close.

I got lucky. Bear started coming when I was still a good five or so strokes away, and I let my dick slip from my grasp and finished milking Bear with just my hand. Then I cleaned him up, we showered, and I was feeling horny and desperate and needy and full of a warm, submissive glow.

Sunday morning, I got up before Bear, as I usually do. I cleaned myself, and prepared breakfast for him. Getting clean was, I thought, a bit optimistic – but it doesn’t hurt me any, and I might just get lucky again. Plus, I had promised to be clean every Sunday, and what with Bear’s illness and just life getting busy, I hadn’t been good at keeping that promise.

After serving Bear his breakfast, I knelt again and asked him whether he still wanted dog play. He said he probably didn’t, now, after yesterday’s activities. I told him I understood and knew it was a long shot, but thought I’d offer. I suggested that, maybe, this was an opportunity for Bear to do some erotic photography, which he wanted to take up as a hobby. Whether of bondage, or combined with dog play, or just a detail piece, such as a nice piece of cock and ball bondage we had seen and been wanting to attempt to replicate. If I can find my paracord needle. Which is around here somewhere.

Photography didn’t happen. Later that morning, as I was chatting with Bear and cuddling him and pressing my erection into his thigh, he told me that he was feeling a little horny. That, he didn’t need to tell me twice. I briefly caressed his dick through his night clothes, then knelt again, my own erection jutting up between my thighs, and asked: “How may I please you?”

Bear liked that phrasing, I could tell. “By taking off my pants for a start,” he said. Fuck yeah. Off come his pants, and then his T-shirt. I stroked him for a little bit, and he told me he wanted to fuck me. He also told me he was in two minds about dog play. He was nervous because in the past, he might lose his erection by the time I had a dog mask on. I reassured him that that was the past, and was much less likely to happen now that his health was better.

I didn’t waste time getting off the bed, getting the rubber mask on, and getting back on the bed. Bear directed me to suck his cock, and I did so eagerly, filling my mouth and nose with his taste and smell. I heard some “good dog”, then a command to rub myself against his thigh. Sucking Bear and dry-humping him, I got very, very close and started worrying about that a little, while still concentrating on giving that dick my all, and then I heard something I didn’t understand, because all I could hear in that mask, really, was the sound of my own slobbering. “Huh, what?” I asked, not very dog-like at all. “Would doggie like the bone in the ass?” Bear repeated, gamely plowing on. Did I ever!

And so we shuffled positions, and Bear humped me, pressing me into the mattress, while I arched my back and moaned. After he came, he stayed in me for a bit, and I squeezed him and rotated my ass cheeks against him. He pulled out, and then I could feel his hand at my balls, teasing me. I rocked back and shuffled on all fours, giving him better access, and moaning for all I was worth. Dignity be damned, I’m already wearing a dog mask and just got fucked in the ass, and loving it. He lightly ran a hand over the underside of my shaft, rubbing his wrist against my balls. It was maddening, and lovely all at once. He kept that up for a few seconds, and then it was time to shower.

After, Bear remarked that sometimes he couldn’t tell.
“Tell what?” I asked.
“You are so eager,” he explained. “I sometimes can’t tell where your excitement for your own stuff ends and your excitement for my stuff begins.”

It may need explaining that dog play was Bear’s idea, as a pivot from pony play, and I went along with both ideas eagerly after an initial “wait what now?” reaction of a day or two.

I don’t know any more that where my stuff ends and Bear’s begins is an easy distinction to make, and told him so. My eagerness is real. My desire to please Bear is my stuff, and so dog play becomes my stuff, because it’s his stuff.

And, well, truthfully, dog play is easier than pony play. I find it easier to get into a dog mindset than a pony mindset. Though I’d do my damnedest to be the best pony Bear could wish for if he wanted to pivot back in that direction again.

So, that was my weekend. No point to this post other than a bit of porn. How was yours?