Taming the monkey

When we started orgasm denial, five years ago, we had no clue and no clear path. There wasn’t, and still isn’t, a lot of material around on how to avoid orgasms without the use of some form of chastity device. We just knew we both wanted this – Bear wants me to obey and come on command only, and I want to feel horny and denied.

With trial and error and many a setback, I think we now have a way that works for us. I’m going to write down, as best I can, what that way looks like. My hope is that it can guide other people, give them ideas and things to try.

This will be written from the perspective of a male dominant and male submissive, in a committed live-in relationship, only because that’s the life I live. Translate to the genders that make sense for you, and the relationship model you find yourself in or you’re looking for. I’ll use D-type for the dominant side of the slash, and s-type for the submissive side, with thanks to Raven Kaldera. There is an element of power exchange in this, in having the s-type only orgasm with permission: And, that might be as far as it goes. Whatever else goes on in your relationship, whether it’s otherwise fully egalitarian or to varying degrees not, is not something I’m writing about here. Which is to say, I think the way we found, or elements of it, can work for vanilla couples as well as leather families.

Build a team

This, more than anything else, is key. Both D-type and s-type are in this together, with a common goal: To modify the behavior of the s-type to allow them to give their genital pleasure and orgasm over to the D-type. I’ve found that to be challenging, and not something I could have achieved alone. There is a power dynamic, and we’re partners in this. We took a team-based approach, not an adversarial one. This runs exactly counter to just about every bit of erotica you’ll ever read on the subject of orgasm denial. Fantasy is that, and does not work well as a basis for long-term, committed relationships.

Start with a book. Building the team, by Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny.  I was unable to communicate to Bear the kind of relationship I wanted, despite using words like “I want us to be partners, and have a power dynamic”. He had this idea that power dynamics had to be adversarial, and that clashed with who he understood himself to be. It also clashed with the way I learn best. It was this book that helped him to see what a cooperative power dynamic can look like. I can’t recommend this book highly enough.

There is work here for D-type and s-type. There’s no zero-effort method I can think of to play with orgasm denial. It’s an incredibly intimate part of myself to be giving over to Bear, and that requires care and empathy and effort from him, and from me.

Take it day by day

Use positive reinforcement. This means things to do, and things not to do.

Not to do: No shaming. When .. not if … the s-type orgasms without permission, talk about what happened, and how it can be avoided in future. You both have the same goal; stick your heads together and figure it out. Have some patience, while always driving towards your common goal. It took us five years. Hopefully it won’t take you that long, and … behavior does not modify overnight.

Bear tried shaming early on (“I am disappointed in you”), and it backfired. I resented that weeks or months of obedience could be wiped out with one mistake. Why, I asked, then even try. I even started hiding orgasms from him. There’s no good I can see that can come from negative reinforcement.

To do: Regular check-ins and praise. What we figured out is that daily reinforcement works best. In the morning, Bear will ask me how my night was, and I’ll ask about his. If I stroked during the night, that’d be the time to mention that. In the evening, Bear will ask me “how did you do”, and I’ll tell him whether I did or did not stroke that day. If I didn’t, he praises me, and orders me to “continue not stroking”. We also have mid-day check-ins, to see how our day is going. These small positive moments throughout the day help.

To do: Regular teasing. Giving the s-type pleasure is important. Being denied and ignored just plain sucks, there’s nothing sexy or good about it. How often depends on the people involved. We do this once or twice a week. Bear will come; I won’t. He’ll get me close, usually a few times, and then, if I did well, continues stimulating me for a minute or two past his own orgasm. I thank him for the pleasure I received. This is my payoff, more even than the daily feeling of being horny.

How to work this over long distance, by the way, is beyond me. I know people do; I have no idea how.

Let go of the need to come

This one is almost entirely on the s-type. It’s a doozy. I was used to decades of stroking myself whenever I wanted, and orgasming whenever I wanted.

Early on, I felt resistance, a sort of “dammit who is he to keep me from orgasm. I’m a grown man, I can come whenever I want!” I got through that with a little denial mantra. When stroking myself, or being stroked, I’d repeat a few sentences about how my cock belonged to Bear, not me; how I was grateful for the pleasure I received; and that I was better off without orgasm.

It worked. The resentment lessened and disappeared. It took about a month for me. Your mileage will vary.

The part that was most difficult was not stroking at all. What I learned was that if I stroked myself, then eventually, I’d come. No ifs or buts about it. It might take 2 weeks or 2 months, but I’d eventually go too far. At the same time, I decidedly did not feel ready to give up that pleasure. It took me years to get this part.

Once we started daily check-ins, that helped a lot. I’m good now with being teased once or twice a week: I can see an arrangement where, at least initially, that happens much more often, maybe even daily, so the s-type gets pleasure and doesn’t have to resort to using their own hands. I think the key here is a combination of meeting the very real needs of the s-type, and the s-type coming to understand deep in their bones that indeed, they cannot masturbate and refrain from orgasm. I got better and better at knowing my own point of no return, but I never got to the point where I could avoid ejaculation entirely for more than 4 months. 6-7 weeks was the average. Eventually, I had to concede that there was a limit to “skillful masturbation”, and while I could masturbate and not come for weeks, I would eventually ejaculate.

Behavior, modified

The goal is modified behavior. The s-type can refrain from masturbating, without needing to use limited reserves of willpower. Once achieved, this state requires maintenance. Daily check-ins and praise, and regular teasing and denial to give the s-type pleasure, while the D-type receives theirs.

Getting there will take time. Patience, resilience in the face of setbacks, excellent communication about emotions arising in both s-type and D-type, and a relentlessly positive and loving attitude will lead to success. 

3 thoughts on “Taming the monkey”

  1. Thanks for the academic alike approach to this down to earth (yet highly important thing).
    One note and one question
    – Are you trained to cum only with permission or to cum on command. Those are completely two different levels.
    – The one thing that I tottally agree (and fail to communicate to my D type) is the need to teasing. For me I’m willing to do the effort but can’t do it and feel forgoten.

    1. Good question! I am trained, in a loose sense, to only come with permission. That is, I am able to come without permission, but want to obey more than I want an orgasm. At least that’s been true for the past half year or so. Early days still, I won’t pretend I’m perfect at this.

      I cannot come on command. That’d take a level of effort and conditioning that Bear has shown no interest in. I am told it’s possible with males, though challenging. Bear finds the idea hot; he doesn’t like the work that goes into it.
      Conversely, I’ve not come when I was supposed to, and felt bad about it. Bear told me I never needed to apologize for not coming. That was a relief. This happened earlier this year, when Bear had me come every 1 to 2 weeks, and it was just getting too much for me. He told me to come, and a stubborn part of me went “again so soon?”, and despite having the sensation of arriving at the point of no return and then going over it, I did not ejaculate. There’s an opportunity there for further training to achieve “come only with permission” in the stricter sense, and, again, more work than Bear wants to take on.

      I hear you on feeling forgotten. That sucks utterly. If you’re not playing with chastity, are your needs for physical touch met? I’ve seen the notion that the s-type’s needs aren’t that important, and I disagree most strongly. Yes, it’s hard to distinguish a need from a want. And, basic needs like feeling loved, desired, receiving touch, having sex, &c., absolutely need to be met for both partners. Kink aside, we’ve all got similar needs.

      1. My needs are purely physical. As any two normal people we do not have the exact same sex drive. From her point of view there is no need for sex daily like I want (need?) it. Thus said she is really happy for me to be locked all the time, she really like the idea that I’m uncomfortable for her…

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